Husband and DD 9

[ThisBusyBee]

Tonight when my husband put our daughter to be bed, he was nit-picking, DD was getting upset and all I could hear was what felt like 2 bickering kids. He made these comments:
‘Keep playing us off’.
‘Called me her get out of jail free card!’
‘You’re just like Mum, always talking over me and not listening!
He then proceeded to record their conversation on his mobile (he has threatened to do this to me too many times, to try and prove his point and DD wasn’t aware he was recording them). DD then gets upset and often involves me, she feels her Dad doesn’t listen to her and picks on things, she cried and I ended up putting her to bed. She then wanted to speak to her Dad before I said goodnight, he played her a recording of their conversation, she clearly wasn’t happy with this and told him, he didn’t have her permission, it felt like he spent the time trying to prove his point and didn’t actually resolve anything.
I feel like his behaviour wasn’t right and unfair on DD.

Well I don't think anyone ever improved their relationship by proving who was technically right. I think there's a feelings conversation that needs to happen instead of setting up a court of law.

Your husband's view of your daughter sounds warped and worrisome, so I suggest therapy. Nine is still a little kid, far too young for a grown man to compete with or heap his adult marital issues onto.

His behaviour is awful. The way you write about the situation is as if you are writing about two independent and equally mature people in a situation. He’s not a “bickering kid”. She’s a 9yo child, bedtime should be her safe time, and of course she’s going to “involve you” her mother to help and protect her. There’s no point getting in to the details of his actions, his attitude and behaviour towards her are not those of a kind, loving parent who prioritises their child’s wellbeing and peace. It sounds like he bullies you, and has easily moved on to his 9yo daughter, so I have little hope for the situation. Your daughter’s self esteem and sense of self is built from here. Imagine winding her up again just before she goes to sleep, after you’ve calmed her down. What an awful parent. It’s a good opportunity to think about what’s acceptable for your 9yo, what’s acceptable for you and where to go from here.