I am making a total hash of this parenting thing

[grumpysaur]

I have a five year old and have split with his father. I spent the preschool years feeling lonely and isolated as ex didn't want to spend time with us, so whenever I was with DS I was alone. Now I've left it's better but I'm still always alone. I hate it. I do not enjoy spending time with a small child and I feel guilty that lovely DS isn't as adored as he should be. How do you enjoy your time with your small child? I thought I was signing up to a family and am completely drowning in the relentlessness of this. Ex does have him every other weekend, so I do get a break, but it doesn't seem to make me any happier.

You don’t mention working op?

Yes, I do work too while DS is at school.

Firstly - it's OK to grieve (and, in time-controlled bouts, resent) that parenthood hasn't turned out as you'd hoped. I think that disconnect between what you wanted and what you got is often at the heart of finding it difficult.

Secondly - I've been a single parent from the beginning, which is different for me as I chose that, but what I really love/d about it is that as the parent you really are in control and you can shape it to whatever suits you both. At that age, DC1 and I both really loved being outside and exploring new places, so we did a lot of National Trust and similar stuff. That may not be your thing, but there will be something, I promise. There are things you like but DC doesn't (or can't share with you, because adapting it for a child takes the enjoyment out for you, eg i had to give up on a lot of outdoorsy stuff with DC2 who is SUCH A WHINGEBAG about walking) - those are for child-free times. There are things DC likes but you're less keen (this was how I always felt about baking and playgrounds!) - you need to do these sometimes. But the key IMO is finding the things you can genuinely enjoy together - that's how you keep it from feeling a chore.

I also always loved an early bedtime, because that was my decompression time. Some people are sneery about that but I was a more present and kinder parent in the daytime for keeping my evenings sacrosanct.

Other single parent friends can be gold if you can find the right 'pair' for you two, although this can be easier said than done (and sometimes, friends without children who are happy to hang out with you both anyway are even more valuable).

I probably accept lower standards of housework, incl cooking, than many others do. I bet that helps things feel less relentless too.

Colleagues?

How long ago did you split up? Sounds quite fresh. Give yourself time to grieve and recuperate emotionally, and get used to your new situation.

I find I enjoy parenting and time with DC more when I’m rested and happy myself. I’d see what you can do to start rebuilding your own life a little bit when you don’t have your DC - get rest, eat what you love, try a hobby or group etc to lift your spirits. You’ll get there!

Thank you for the kind words. It is quite fresh, I moved out in January, although it was a long time coming. I do worry I'm letting DS down though. I just seem to get stuck and fail to do better.

What is it that you don't enjoy exactly? Maybe we can give some advice.

I think the loneliness and not enjoying spending time with your DC may be separate issues?

What would make you enjoy time with your DC more (other than another adult present)?

Honestly, I would find it so much easier if he'd go out more. He will almost always choose to stay in whereas I dream of walks along the river, feeding the ducks, going to the park. I know I'm the adult but he doesn't really enjoy that sort of thing.

I just find everything hard work and dull. He either whinges or enjoys something for 10 minutes and then is bored. He doesn't enjoy books or puzzles, loves Lego but I'm constantly told I'm doing it wrong. Which applies to everything really - it's over in a few minutes (but takes forever to tidy up) or I'm gritting my teeth while being micromanaged and criticised. His happy place is watching telly on my lap but even that makes me feel disconnected from him and utterly bored.

Where did you get the idea from that spending long stretches of time with a small human wouldn’t be mind numbingly dull?

Pretty much everywhere, you look, right? There’s a serious amount of fakery online, on tv, even amongst our friends unless you look a bit closer. I think it’s really important to recognise this. We can see through ordinary advertising and know that we’re being manipulated to buy the beer/make up/ pizza that will make us happy. It’s harder to see the insidious and ubiquitous messaging about parenting. People can make a lot of money presenting a facade and our perception of reality is being altered.

Once I realised that parenting is relentless, time dragging drudgery in the main, I was better able to experience the good bits. And once I started giving myself credit for doing the basics well (feeding, clothing, cleaning, cuddling) instead of wallowing in mum guilt and comparisons, it freed up more mental energy for finding the parts of parenting that I excelled at, and the points of connection (these can be different for different children so don’t worry too much ) and enjoyment.

The stage of being constantly instructed and criticised for playing wrong does pass (that was tiresome!) you can be playful with that, push back a little, stretch him to use his language skills by being a little dense, and any of those reactions take you out of yourself a bit.

And sometimes it’s actually better to say no to activities you truly loathe (“mum doesn’t play football”) and keep a firm boundary rather than giving off confusing emotional signals where you’re pretending and the dc doesn’t quite know what’s off.

Don’t feel you always have to be child centric. It’s good to get dc to join in with adult tasks and activities too, or to go for a walk with you first before doing something of their choosing. Obviously if there are sensory issues you might need to mitigate that.

I used to plan my day in 15 minute segments, and if I got 30 minutes out of the activity it felt like a lottery win. Tidying up is a legitimate activity with small children. The trick is to keep a low calm energy about it (don’t gamify it, make it a race or put on hyper music regardless of the advice you’ll read on every parenting blog ever. That leads straight to trouble)

Hang in there. It really does get better.

I do sympathise and feel for anyone who feels it's dull but I really can't stand the idea that if you enjoy it, it's fake.

I love spending time with children.

Regarding the drudgery, just a couple of suggestions:

• you say he gets bored easily - let him - push through 2 days of whingeing and he will start to find his own creativity (if you can stand the first time of doing it, it will be easier thereafter).
• try to occasionally do things that are fun / funny together to create some positive energy between you - pop all the bubbles in a piece of bubble wrap, have a pillow fight, do 'indoor tennis' with a balloon and table tennis bats, have an indoor picnic etc.

Regarding the loneliness and relentlessness, can you lean on family (close or extended) in any way?

I am a similar parent to you OP, I really need to be out and about to enjoy parenting my dc. We are out of the house most of the day at weekends and I enjoy it because I'm out in the world, visiting places and being amongst people even if it's just me and my dcs and I'm not talking to any other adults (I like eavesdropping on their conversations though!)

We've just always done things this way, so I've never had to persuade dcs to come out. It help me to focus to have specific events in mind, eg this weekend we went to an Easter craft event and a Pets at Home petting event which we had to book for in advance (but were free), but it put pressure on me to get out of the house by a certain time. I also pack a picnic the night before and pick out clothes etc so we're ready to go in he morning. Have a look at your local council website and library events, and look for park events like nature safaris or pond dipping.

I am at home with two small children and I also would find it dreadful if I had to spend long stretches of time playing with them! In my experience when I get on with the things I need to/ want to - they then go and get on with their stuff, playing! Then we come back together at intervals throughout the day and I absolutely love spending time with them.

The micromanaging/criticism etc is a sign that maybe he doesn't want you involved in his play, which is as it should be honestly!

So maybe the advice is, do less?

If you can cut back screens/TV after awhile independent play goes way up, grumpiness/unwillingness to go out goes down.
A five year old shouldn't be getting bored, and this suggests to me that maybe screen time is too high - he's become used to a higher level of stimulation than he can achieve through his own play. It's hard for a couple of weeks and then it's all so much easier.

Does he like going to the park, adventure playgrounds? National Trust type days out? Do you have any friends with similar age kids?

Can you try and find things that you both enjoy to a degree?

I ended up liking some kids tv shows and I definitely loved lots of the movies.

I found parks/walks mindnumbingly boring , but liked rock hunting, theme parks, anything with animals etc.

We both loved swimming.

I like adventure games so I found some age suitable ones that we could play together with a story and puzzles/minigames that she ended up loving too.

I hated playing with dolls , but enjoyed all kinds of crafting and making things.

Even better if you have friends/family with kids so you can team up and you get some socialising too.

Going out for walks by the river or in the woods has never been optional for my kids. I just tell them we are getting in the car and off we go. I pick what we do each day (nearly 5 and nearly 2). I would hate to stay in all the time. We do a few puzzles but mainly I need play dates or soft play or similar to let them burn off energy. Or stick a sand pit in thr garden. Scooters and bikes etc

What is wrong with you?

I promise it gets easier the older they get.

Some of us love the early years, some don't. I didn't, but I loved it from 7. So much less whinging and bit more independent

When mine were 4,5 and 6. I felt the same

bit after that I found such joy in my children. I adore spending time with them every single day. They’re just like having two friends. However they are older.

I just wonder if I’m blessed but our lives for truly good after the age of 6…hang in there.

i found that they had emotional stability after that age. That’s what made a massive difference.

He's worked out that kids are mich better at playing than adults. All completely normal. Invite one of his school friends round to play?

I think the trick is to find someone in the same position as you, with same needs in term of company - so single Mum with a boy and preferably no other siblings. You go the park, the kids play, you chat, they beg for ice cream, you come back for tea. Everyone had a good day.