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Parenting

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Original poster

Can I be a good mum while working full time?

30 replies

Freddo993 · 20/04/2025 15:57

I am currently on maternity leave with my 2nd child (6 months' oldest is 2) and I'm going to have to go back to work full time this summer. I really wanted to avoid this but there are so few part time jobs where I live that pay above minimum wage that I have to go back to my old job for now (part time isn't an option there). I'm really struggling keeping on top of housework/cooking/life admin as well as being mum to two at the moment and I don't know how my job will fit in. I am married but DH's job is very full time and he is if the opinion that this is my problem not his because we need his wage to pay bills (he is a significantly higher earner than me).
How can I prepare for how awful things will be? I can't afford a cleaner on top of nursery fees and will likely be working 8.30-4.30/5 5 days a week so very little free time. Am I just doomed or will things work out?

OP posts:

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Youcancallmeirrelevant · 20/04/2025 15:59

You have a DH problem. It is not your problem to sort, it should be a joint decision, both of your salaries will be paying the childcare bills, you need to agree who is doing drop offs and pick ups each day to work out what childcare hours you need

Parker231 · 20/04/2025 16:01

I returned to full time work when DT’s were six months old. Long hours and often trips abroad. No family living in the uk.
DH work as a team so one of us took to nursery, and one collected. Shopping, laundry, housework were outsourced as far as possible but everything we did between us.

It is also your DH’s problem - he has to take on 50%. His job isn’t so important he can’t look after his family.

MsMarple · 20/04/2025 16:03

If your DH is a ‘significantly higher earner’ why can’t he pay towards a cleaner/nursery fees? Surely if you both work full time you both have equal responsibility for the housework and childcare?

He has the choice to either do the work himself or outsource it.

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BluntPlumHam · 20/04/2025 16:06

I’m really sorry but DH needs to step up. There are plenty of partners who happen to work more hours and are dominant earners that also contribute to the run of the home and children.

Also keep trying for a par-time role if it is financially feasible because it will then free up some time.

i wish our maternity and childcare system was changed so it would support mothers better should they wish to continue in their careers or if they wanted to take some time out to raise their children.

jolies1 · 20/04/2025 16:06

I work full time, similar hours, my husband works long hours.

It’s manageable but you need to be a team, childcare is not your job, you have an actual job. The rest of the household tasks and childcare need to be evenly split as far as possible. Dad can do bathtime and bedtime routine while you make dinner/ meal prep / tidy up or vice versa.

I do the “life admin” eg keeping on top of appointments, sorting birthdays etc. DH sorts the household admin - insurances, anything to do with the car etc. He absolutely sometimes needs prompted and reminded to do things (I need you do toddler bedtime, I need to do xyz) but we are working on it

namechangeGOT · 20/04/2025 16:08

Yes. I work full time and I don’t mind admitting I’m a brilliant mum but I am able to be so because my husband is also a brilliant dad.

jolies1 · 20/04/2025 16:08

Also we have a big calendar and noticeboard we are strict with keeping it updated - appointments, work shifts, if any of us has a conference etc so we can plan around it.

MsMarple · 20/04/2025 16:09

P.S. In my experience, as a now divorced full time working mum, there is significantly less washing/cleaning/shopping/cooking to be done (and a lot more peace!) now exH isn’t here…

Not saying you should LTB, but worth reminding him that you are doing lots of things that are directly for his benefit, as well as for your shared children, so he absolutely does need to step up in one way or another!

Melody32 · 20/04/2025 16:10

Your DH will need to do more around the house. Play to each other's strengths and simplify everything. So no fancy meals just quick and nutritious. Have a day in the week where you bulk cook and freeze. Reserve activities for weekends as simple as making playdough,going for walks etc. DH should have a day allocated where he does laundry,hoovering etc. Put a system in place and talk him through it. Also, for my sanity I live a bit minimalistic it means less cleaning. I don't over buy toys, I don't have 100 clothing items neither does hubby and DC (means less washing) and even with crockery it's not the typical amount. As a result cleaning is more straightforward. You're a great mum, working doesn't take away from who you are. Your little ones appreciate you more than you know xx

Toomuch2019 · 20/04/2025 16:14

Yes you can be a good mum while working full time

Your husband can’t be a good husband or parent without pulling some weight though

GhastlyGoodTaste · 20/04/2025 16:17

I am married but

And there’s your answer! You have a crap husband. How dare he act as if everything to do with childcare is solely your responsibility? Did you know he was such a waste of space before you married him?

I was a child in the 1960s and 70s. Both my parents had full time professional jobs. They were both brilliant parents - because they behaved as a team, shared expenses and responsibilities and childcare and housework and paying for nursery schools and outsourcing of whatever else was needed. I’m astounded that so many decades later women are accepting so much less than that from their partners.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/04/2025 16:23

You can be a good mum. Seems your H can’t be a good husband or father.

WhereIsMyLight · 20/04/2025 16:27

Your husband is a sexist prick. I assume he’s not wondering if he’ll be a good dad working full time.

My DH earns double what I do. He still pulls his weight because my career is equally as important as his, even if doesn’t pay (and never will) the same. It’s important to shout out child that everyone contributes to the house and you don’t get to opt out because you just happen to earn more.

How do you prepare? Pick with your husband whether you do specific days or whether you do pick ups only and he does drop offs. When you both get home, one does bedtime, one does dinner and cleaning. You teach the kids to tidy up every evening. At weekend one of you entertains the kids, one cleans. Standards are a bit lower while they are still young.

GRCP · 20/04/2025 16:29

Yeah of course. I work full time, have 2 kids and am a great mum.

oneplustwoplustwoplusone · 20/04/2025 16:52

I earn double DH and I do my fair share of drop offs/pick up etc. You’re either a team or you’re not. He can’t pick and choose.

CC222 · 20/04/2025 16:57

Your DH’s attitude is really poor and selfish!
Aside from that you can make it work. I’m assuming the children will be in a full time childcare setting? Therefore they provide most meals in the day, it’s just dinner to sort on a week day. Everyone being out of the home all day also means less mess/cleaning to sort out, and even if it slips a little, it’s really no harm.
If you have to go back to work full time, that’s just the way it is. Try not feel guilty about it or pressured to keep on top of things at home. There will be days when you’re knackered and the dishes might be left for the next day or the kids toys haven’t been cleared away properly so it makes the place look a mess. But that’s also ok. What’s important is that you’re doing what you have to do, to provide for your family and that makes you a great parent. And honestly, the time you have with your kids will become even more precious so you’ll have opportunity to make more quality moments than you realise now.
Having financial freedom is important, you’ll make it work.
But I also think it’s appropriate to have a chat with your DH about coming to a compromise on shared responsibility with home and family life. It’s not fair for it to all be on you..

Fleur405 · 20/04/2025 16:57

Your husband considers that looking after your (joint) house, the (joint) life admin and your (joint) child is “your problem” despite the fact you have to work full time? Wow.

I work full time and think I’m a pretty good mum. Of course my child and I are fortunate that her dad (who earns more than me) isn’t a lazy sexist twat.

Worsthousebeststreet · 20/04/2025 19:05

Sorry but your 'D'H needs to get his act together and be an equal parent, it's not the fucking 1950s. Things should be 50/50 in the hours when you are both not working. If he doesn't want to do his share and is such a high earner then he can pay a housekeeper/cleaner/nanny etc.

eurochick · 20/04/2025 19:50

I’ve noticed that when women are the higher earners they still pull their weight at home. When men are, it seems they have Big Man Jobs that can’t possibly allow any flexibility to do childcare or home tasks, and they are far too worn out when they are not at work to do their share.

MightAsWellBeGretel · 20/04/2025 20:00

Funny how no dads ever ask this question, isn't it?

All the lone parents - widows, women who've fled domestic abusive or been left holding the babies and working full time, must be shit mothers then, eh OP?

MightAsWellBeGretel · 20/04/2025 20:01

Oh, and men pull this shit because it suits them to have a wifey at home doing all the domestic stuff they don't want to do (because it's boring).

Calmestofallthechickens · 20/04/2025 20:08

It is absolutely possible to be great parents both working full time, but it’s a hell of a lot easier on you if one/both of you can drop to part time. 40 hours a week is a lot. Trying to fit in all your life admin, cleaning, cooking etc into evenings after the kids are in bed or at the weekend is hard. (I didn’t actually find ‘throwing money at the problem’ aka getting a cleaner/gardener, helped as much as I thought - cooking/laundry/life admin still seem to fill the time available!)

If your DH thinks you should do all the home stuff + work then it’s going to breed resentment and probably divorce - it’s not easy even if you share it equally.

arcticpandas · 20/04/2025 20:12

I'm a sahm but my mum worked ft and she was a great mother (probably better than me tbh)... So yes! Ofcourse you can be a good mother and work ft. Especially if you enjoy your work and don't feel guilty for working💗

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 20/04/2025 20:39

Of course you can be a good mum while working full time. However, your H needs to step up and be a good dad as well...it isn't fair for him to leave everything to you.

BigRenoLittleBudget · 20/04/2025 20:41

“I work full time, can I still be a good dad?”

Is something men never ask.

the answer is of course yes.

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