Teaching white kids about the N word for the first time

[PuzzleFrog]

My 10 year old has been getting into his own music. He's built up some Spotify playlists and often plays them in the kitchen and car.
He knows all the swear words so I'm not too bothered about him hearing them in songs, we've had constructive conversations about swearing in modern culture many times - and what is and isn't appropriate. But I suddenly noticed he was listening to a song by the Weeknd which featured the N word, and realised he probably had no idea what it meant.

I wanted to have a conversation with him about it. We are a typical white middle class family in a predominantly white middle class town for context. I realised I needed him to actually hear the word in order to know what I was talking about, but I can't bring myself to actually say it, even within the confines of a private family conversation about racism. And I explained this to him to illustrate the power this word has.

What I ended up doing was finding a YouTube video featuring a group of black men and women, talking about the first time they had been called the N word. They described exactly what was said including the N word itself, and then went on to say how it made them feel.

Then I found a couple of other more general explainer videos talking about the history of the N word and its close links with slavery. And I followed up with how some in black culture use the word to try and remove it's power, but that non black people cannot ever say it, ever.

Then I let him ask questions and we had a bit of a conversation. He said he'd had lessons in school about racism, but had never heard the N word before.

Did I approach this the right way do you think? What have other white parents done? Is there anything more I should say at this age?

If anyone is interested in the video I used featuring the N word, it's called "What The N-Word Feels Like" on YouTube.

We are white and MC with DC at Private school and they are very aware of what the N word is and how they must never use it, they have always been. No need to "teach" anything

Had the same thing here, op

We basically did what you have done

Bit of the history behind it too, Niger, etc.

That's helpful OP thanks for sharing, I've heard that black families are very comfortable teaching their children about racism and discussing it, whereas white families are too worried to even mention some critical information thus leaving their children in the dark. Eg https://sph.unc.edu/sph-news/most-black-parents-discuss-racial-challenges-with-children/
I don't think there's ever a right way of doing it but it sounds like a good effort.
Real empathy only comes from lived experience so there's always going to be a gap there.

I had the chat with my kids when they were younger. I said starts with n and rhymes with Tigger which they understood so I didn’t have to say the word.
I mentioned that it’s not the only racist slur around eg P*ki and covered sexist, homophobic and disabilist slurs too. While they don’t hear that language at home, you never know what they hear elsewhere and they need to be prepared for that.

I don’t think you need to teach this stuff explicitly, unless your DC has SEN or is hearing racist language at home. Your DC is not going to start calling people N* having heard it in a song. It’s not even a word that is particularly used in this country. Have you ever heard anyone use it IRL?

In general the context makes it clear that these sorts of words are rude. I remember hearing people use racist words about Irish people, Jews and Pakistanis when I was a child, as well as the usual derogatory language about women. It was plain that it was rude and I’d never have dreamt of using them myself.

My son had questions after an older school child was trying to get him to say 'vinegar without the Vi part'. I might show him the video you posted. However I wouldn't tell him that non-black people cannot say it, because they quite clearly can!

And this helps how?

That all feels a bit...much. If it worked for your family though that's great.

We talk about it in school. We teach Of Mice and Men in year 8 and the word comes up. It’s not too much of a big deal - we just say that they’ll encounter it in the novel but that it should never be used outside the classroom. They all seem to know the word and understand what we’re saying and are generally quite mature about it.
I think you may be over- thinking it OP.

@WaffleParty he is 10 so a while off year 8 and mine were never taught Of Mice and Men in school.

We have friends in London whose children attend very mixed race schools, where I am my local town is very white, 5% Asian, 1.8% Black and 0.2% Arab.

@Friu it isn't about hearing it in everyday real life, lots of children watch youtube and streamers, my children constantly said the American pronunciation for words that I had to correct from Minecraft such as lever rhymes with clever versus lever rhymes with fever. You would also probably not be shocked to know that some parents let their children watch very mature content or don't monitor what they watch. PewDiePie who had the most subscribers on youtube, 57 million, said the n word on a live stream in 2017. It made the BBC news due to his popularity and children were talking about even in the primary. For the year 6 talent show a girl wanted to do The Time Warp as Rocky Horror was her favourite movie.

OP I think you did well especially hearing it from black people and how it made them feel. I think is a good way to approach it. It is also a good starting point for other historical language usage conversations such as how people from Pakistan were referred to, UK Poms and the Aboriginal people in Australia and the attitude toward women which is still prevalent today in lots of countries.

Secondary school was eye opening for Ds1 hearing parental views via their children. There were a lot of interesting conversations over that.

It’s just nonsense, a back slapping post because you told your white kid not to drop an N…obviously. Next the poster will be sending her kid off on 4 flights to Malaysia and back to ‘help look after the ecosystem’

And that Islam is homophobic and misogynistic

It is just a fact

Yup…a now deleted fact which makes it look like a wrote something racist. I was simply saying that you don’t need to congratulate yourself on not using the N word…it’s just obvious

i dont understand why people need to be praised for not being arseholes. Just don’t be one. It’s the same people who don’t understand white privilege (and intentionally make sure they include their white middle class status ‘for context’)

And make sure they understand that the majority of men who abuse women and young girls are actually white

What's that got to do with racism @Hoppinggreen?

Tbf @Boreded the only time I ever hear anyone use the N word is teenagers singing songs that include it in the lyrics. And whilst they know that they absolutely cannot use the word in speech or as an insult, they often don't really think about it in the context of song lyrics. So it's a fair thing to raise with pre teens, IMO. Especially if you live in a very white area and it's not something that is likely to come up incidentally - these are conversations you actually have to intentionally raise with your DC. My DC went to a primary school that was 100% white, and to a secondary school that has maybe 5-10 non-white students out of a total of 1700. That's reflective of every school within about 20 miles. So these conversations are ones that it's super important to have because the culture they're being brought up in is so non-diverse.

I hope schools pretty much cover abuse and the damage it causes. My son’s school did knowing that children listen to lots of diverse stuff now and hear lots of terms.

My son learned about this term in junior school, he’s white but his school was very diverse with children from lots of backgrounds.

He also learned about grooming, gangs, county lines etc …much of that was at senior level as he’s autistic so very much vulnerable to ne(mg manipulated.

My son is 22 so I would hope schools cover racism and abuse even more now,

Sexual abuse rarely has anything to do with racism
Unless of course people who are racist try to make it the case.

I know what you are trying to say. And yes by all means tell you children not use the term. However, it’s the level of ‘look at me, I’m rich and white but I told my son not to say it so I’m an Allllllllllyyyyyyy and I need a pat on the back.’

just telling people you are an ally doesn’t make you one, you have to be the change you wish to see, and that doesn’t include blowing your own trumpet on public forums, just for telling your child not to use the N word. I guarantee that a 10 year old already knows not to, they have the internet so even if they are from a predominantly white place (I am, and literally could go weeks at a time without seeing any black people - I don’t go out much though tbf) they will still know it isn’t ok to use it

Between them my DC have been to 4 different schools (3 primary, 1 secondary) in our area. Not one single school has ever done anything to mark Black History Month, the primary schools didn't celebrate any other cultures in any way at all (rural church schools 😬), they did learn some basics about Judaism and Islam in RE but that was it. I'm pretty sure they didn't discuss anything to do with racism at the primary schools and it was covered in the most perfunctory "one lesson of PHSE" way you can imagine at the secondary school.

@Friu

These words are a bit more than rude.

And yes as a white mum to a mixed ethnicity young man living in a diverse city, I have heard the N word being used.

My last foster child who was white and 12 years old used it quite a lot. He was very aware of what it meant and never used it to my sons face.
It also appeared to be quite common in his school

The thread is about racism, so please no whataboutery.