Struggling with OH working nights

[RoseHiker]

My baby is 10 weeks old and my OH works a night shift 12 hours. I am really struggling towards the end of the week. I have a little help from family sometimes during the day but I find the evenings and nights very long on my own. It is causing arguments in our relationship. Any advice ?

Congratulations on new baby
TBH, if that’s his hours you adjust and work around it. What’s his role will it always inc shifts
Unless he’s willing to change jobs? Is he?

Is it permanent nights @RoseHiker?

You’re getting used to your first baby and that is hard. Would be hard if he worked a 9-5 too.

Presumably if he does 12hr nights he does something like a 4 on 4 off thing so has more days off with you. That’s a good thing.

I did the same nights and although I made sure to get my 8 hrs of sleep I did fully engage with the family for the couple of hours I had spare in working days. Slept about 7:30-15:30 then got up and did early dinner together before work.

It’s not great but I just think it’s hard whatever the shift pattern is and nights can give extra flexibility when you return to work. I was able to do one side of the school run for three children so we managed without paying for childcare.

How many shifts does he do? If he’s working 12 hours at a time he must only be doing a few days, I would try to focus on that and the fact that he’s around more during some days to help too.
Even with a 9-5 he would likely be out of the house 8-6 x5 days a week.
Is the real problem that he’s not doing anything for the baby and the house during the time he’s not at work?

Presumably you knew his working pattern before you both decided to have a baby?

@Zone2NorthLondon thank you for your congratulations:) no it won't always include shifts. There is talk of him moving to 8 to 4 job. The nights are fine it's the evenings I find harder

@BunnyRuddington for now but there is talk of a day time job

@Changeissmall that is very true
It would probably be difficult regardless. I was doing fine until this week and feel I have hit a wall :( I just feel I'm very upset and crying but was fine until now.

I suppose we are still trying to find a routine that works. He is off weekends fri morn til mon night.

We never fight like this so I think that's why I'm getting upset

I get that. My DH often worked late. Make it easy for yourself and get everything ready for nighttime during the day, so drinks by your bed, nightwear for you and baby ready, that sort of thing.

I’d often warm up a prepared meal to and put DC1, who cried a lot in the evenings at this age, into a swing seat whilst I ate it.

@Sofiewoo he does help maybe I'm expecting too much. It didn't help this week that he was sick.

@DustyLee123 yes I did. I don't understand your comment. This is a forum for us to help one another.
Not knock people when they are down.

@BunnyRuddington yes good idea. I think I just hit a wall this week. I was doing great until now. I just feel very very tired

God I remember this, it was hell. Got easier once the DC were older and he moved to better shifts. Is there an hour each day when he can take the baby so you get some time to yourself? Night shifts are horrible generally, they made my husband feel unwell and grumpy so if he’s not his best self that might get better once he’s on better shifts as well.

It's hard adapting to life with a newborn and you're still very much in the thick of the relentless feed/sleep/cry cycle- no wonder you're finding it hard let alone with being alone most evenings and nights. DH was away for 3 months when DS was a tiny bit older, and i just resigned myself to getting cozy upstairs with a box set pretty early. I'd take up some snacks, drinks, stuff for baby for overnight and try and nest down, but appreciate we are all different and that might be hellish for you!

Thanks all for the advice. Yes OH can be very cranky on night shift and I just find even if I in shower while baby is with OH I'm on a timer if that makes sense.

Might not seem it, but It gets better. You three will get into a routine
work wise it’s me that does some nights with irregular hours and I’m just used to it
Hope you’re all well,and it’s all new and scary,happy,overwhelming,exhausting and exhilarating at the same time.