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Original poster

Partner wants another child but I don't

14 replies

Worrieddad1237 · 18/04/2025 21:52

Hi all

My partner is wanting to try for another child, however I dont feel like I could cope with another.

Currently we have 2 boys 6 and 2 however the 6 year old is going through tests for autism. She stays at home and looks after home and children (a manic job) and I work full time with one to two on calls over the month on the weekends. I also care for grandmother as well.

I have concerns about money, time and just being able to provide the right care and support to another child as I find 2 difficult, and she does alot already due to health issues. I have said from the time we agreed to have the second not to have another and it was agreed but she desperately wants to try for a girl. We do argue over this and I don't know if I am being I reasonable or not.

Any advice
Thanks :)

OP posts:
Dinopoppypoops · 18/04/2025 22:05

It's simple, you both need to want a child to have another child. If one of you doesn't, then it's a no.
If in this situation one person is desperate to have another child they need to decide to break the relationship and start another with someone who wants another child.
No child should deliberately conceived unless both parents agree.

Neodymium · 18/04/2025 22:08

No guarantee of a girl anyway. I have 2 boys then a girl but I just wanted 3. I didn’t mind / was expecting another boy.

if you don’t then you don’t have one. Both parents need to want to have a baby. Did you discuss it prior to marriage? I made it clear that I wanted 3 children well before we got married. So dh had the opportunity to end things if he didn’t want to have that many.

HappilySquare · 18/04/2025 22:16

Sounds like either way your relationship is going to need major work if you both want it to work. You will resent her for wanting a 3rd, she will resent you for not wanting a 3rd. My aunt desperately wanted a boy after 2 girls - they had 5 girls trying. Imagine being daughter 3, 4 or 5, knowing you were a disappointment. That's the fate of your 3rd if it's a boy.

My advice would be to stand firm on this. A child isn't a puppy or a sofa, it's a person, who should be loved and wanted for themselves, not for their sex.

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Original poster
Worrieddad1237 · 18/04/2025 22:17

Neodymium · 18/04/2025 22:08

No guarantee of a girl anyway. I have 2 boys then a girl but I just wanted 3. I didn’t mind / was expecting another boy.

if you don’t then you don’t have one. Both parents need to want to have a baby. Did you discuss it prior to marriage? I made it clear that I wanted 3 children well before we got married. So dh had the opportunity to end things if he didn’t want to have that many.

Initially I said I only wanted one, however we agreed to go to two because my partner didn't want an only child and I actually liked the idea of a second one, but I just don't think I could cope with a third. How did you find having the third coming in and if you don't mind me asking what are the age gaps?

OP posts:
Original poster
Worrieddad1237 · 18/04/2025 22:18

Dinopoppypoops · 18/04/2025 22:05

It's simple, you both need to want a child to have another child. If one of you doesn't, then it's a no.
If in this situation one person is desperate to have another child they need to decide to break the relationship and start another with someone who wants another child.
No child should deliberately conceived unless both parents agree.

I get what you're saying and we do need to be aligned, I just don't know if I'm worrying too much or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worrieddad1237 · 18/04/2025 22:21

HappilySquare · 18/04/2025 22:16

Sounds like either way your relationship is going to need major work if you both want it to work. You will resent her for wanting a 3rd, she will resent you for not wanting a 3rd. My aunt desperately wanted a boy after 2 girls - they had 5 girls trying. Imagine being daughter 3, 4 or 5, knowing you were a disappointment. That's the fate of your 3rd if it's a boy.

My advice would be to stand firm on this. A child isn't a puppy or a sofa, it's a person, who should be loved and wanted for themselves, not for their sex.

Yeah I get what you're saying there, it wouldn't be a problem if it was another boy, she was just wanted to try for a girl. It is difficult and it does need some work yes to get through this, but I just wonder if I'm being too harsh.

OP posts:
Neodymium · 18/04/2025 22:25

Worrieddad1237 · 18/04/2025 22:17

Initially I said I only wanted one, however we agreed to go to two because my partner didn't want an only child and I actually liked the idea of a second one, but I just don't think I could cope with a third. How did you find having the third coming in and if you don't mind me asking what are the age gaps?

Show quote history

my boys are less than 2 years apart and my daughter is 2.5 years younger - took abit longer to get pregnant with her.

it’s definitely more challenging as most things is set up for 2 kids. But that said, we managed to do a 5 week Europe holiday and found accommodation ok. It’s easier now with more apartments and stuff than it used to be.

we are doing a cruise later this year and it’s the first one. Literally because cruises are 4 people. Very limited family rooms that get snapped up quickly. We are managing this one cause we are going with family and our youngest is in their room.

we already had a big enough house and financially can afford 3. Though this year all 3
are in private school so it’s a stretch, but it’s not for long as my oldest only has one more year.

Original poster
Worrieddad1237 · 18/04/2025 22:29

Neodymium · 18/04/2025 22:25

my boys are less than 2 years apart and my daughter is 2.5 years younger - took abit longer to get pregnant with her.

it’s definitely more challenging as most things is set up for 2 kids. But that said, we managed to do a 5 week Europe holiday and found accommodation ok. It’s easier now with more apartments and stuff than it used to be.

we are doing a cruise later this year and it’s the first one. Literally because cruises are 4 people. Very limited family rooms that get snapped up quickly. We are managing this one cause we are going with family and our youngest is in their room.

we already had a big enough house and financially can afford 3. Though this year all 3
are in private school so it’s a stretch, but it’s not for long as my oldest only has one more year.

Show quote history

That sounds an amazing break !!!

Thank you for letting me know that, I just don't know with everything. That can't be easy with everything going on with private schools at the moment either!!!

I guess I just need to re-evaluate everything and decide what is best

OP posts:
Neodymium · 18/04/2025 22:36

Worrieddad1237 · 18/04/2025 22:29

That sounds an amazing break !!!

Thank you for letting me know that, I just don't know with everything. That can't be easy with everything going on with private schools at the moment either!!!

I guess I just need to re-evaluate everything and decide what is best

Show quote history

To be honest, my husband (when we had the conversation pre marriage) only wanted 1 as well. But I had anyways wanted 3 and it was a dealbreaker for me. So he did agree to 3 in the end because he wanted to be with me I guess. I’m not sure now if he regrets it - he has lots of other issues at the moment. The youngest (a girl) is definitely always been a daddy’s little princess though.

HappilySquare · 18/04/2025 22:39

What need exactly is another child going to fill? Why does she want this child? Does your wife have friends, hobbies, work? I'm in my 60s now and have 2 DC and 2 grandkids. None of my friends had more than 2. One was desperate for a 3rd for 5 minutes, then came to her senses and said "What the hell was I thinking?" Another friend said "you'll know if I ever get pregnant again, because I'll have shot myself".

What's lacking in her life that she wants a 3rd? If it's a girl then that's the wrong reason.

Original poster
Worrieddad1237 · 18/04/2025 22:41

Neodymium · 18/04/2025 22:36

To be honest, my husband (when we had the conversation pre marriage) only wanted 1 as well. But I had anyways wanted 3 and it was a dealbreaker for me. So he did agree to 3 in the end because he wanted to be with me I guess. I’m not sure now if he regrets it - he has lots of other issues at the moment. The youngest (a girl) is definitely always been a daddy’s little princess though.

Show quote history

Awwww that's sweet she is!!

I hope he is ok and your doing ok

OP posts:
Original poster
Worrieddad1237 · 18/04/2025 22:44

HappilySquare · 18/04/2025 22:39

What need exactly is another child going to fill? Why does she want this child? Does your wife have friends, hobbies, work? I'm in my 60s now and have 2 DC and 2 grandkids. None of my friends had more than 2. One was desperate for a 3rd for 5 minutes, then came to her senses and said "What the hell was I thinking?" Another friend said "you'll know if I ever get pregnant again, because I'll have shot myself".

What's lacking in her life that she wants a 3rd? If it's a girl then that's the wrong reason.

She is one of 5 so big families are usually for her, where as I have a sister and that's it. I'm not sure what makes her want the third but it's not just for a girl. I think because of what she grew up with l, that's what she wants.

OP posts:
HappilySquare · 18/04/2025 22:53

Worrieddad1237 · 18/04/2025 22:44

She is one of 5 so big families are usually for her, where as I have a sister and that's it. I'm not sure what makes her want the third but it's not just for a girl. I think because of what she grew up with l, that's what she wants.

Show quote history

I'm also one of 5, and a big family is the last thing I wanted for myself. I've read threads on here before about how rubbish being from a big family is. Unless you're well off financially, having lots of kids is crippling for you and your kids grow up feeling hard done by and neglected. Siblings and I are in the latter camp. But you sound like you're not averse to the idea, so good luck, I'm sure there are many happy families of 3+ children.

Original poster
Worrieddad1237 · 18/04/2025 22:55

I'm not adverse, I just need to make sure it's right for us all. Thank you for your comment though as it does make me think

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