I feel like a terrible mother

[deaftowhingeing]

I have two DDs, 18 months apart, 4 & nearly 3. I love them so much.. when they're asleep or at pre-school..
But I just don't get any pleasure out of being a mum. I feel like I'm constantly whinged at, shouted at, ordered about, disobeyed, shown no respect (and yes I know it's ridiculous to expect respect from pre-school children) and I am utterly p*ssed off with it. I am bored with listening to myself pleading, shouting and nagging.

I feel short of patience, and like a terrible mother because I'm just not enjoying my children, I'm dreading the summer holidays. All my friends seem to really enjoy spending time with their kids. I really do try to do nice things with them but whatever I do just ends up in a shouty stressful mess. I feel like they never behave for me but I know they do whenever someone else is looking after them.

I don't understand where I've gone wrong, I just think I'm not a natural mother but that isn't a very useful thought when there's not much I can do about it now!

Is it just me? Are my children abnormally horrible? Or am I?

Don't want to leave this unanswered but I don't have one. But I'm sure you're not the only one with this problem. (My DCs are younger but I can imagine getting myself into your position -- you have my sympathy at least.)

I feel like you do lots of the time. I have 3 of 7 and under.

I don't feel like a natural mother most of the time even though I longed for children. But sometimes it all falls in to place and I try and hold on to those moments. (I usually manage about 2 seconds.)

Find some strategies and pick your battles, my dcs 1 &2 were 14 months apart and had a baby at your dcs ages, I feel your pain. Make sure you have a goal for each day just one! Something where you make/do something even if it's a walk to shops.
Go back to basics and give yourself a break!!
Ask Dp/dh to take over for a couple os Saturdays and have a little time for yourself.

The age of your children is exactly the age which I found particularly stressful- between 3 and 4. It has got a LOT easier since. Even though ds is going through a bit of a stroppy stage at 7, it's not wearing me down in the same way. The 3/4yo whingeing was dreadful. I think it's quite a difficult age; they're not quite toddlers and not quite big children, so it's difficult to know how much to ask of. Once they definitely are big children it gets easier.

Mine are 3 and 4.

I agree with Posie - pick your battles. Work out what really bothers you and / or which time of day is hardest and work on those things. Try to ignore the rest.

DS (5 in July) has started to become much more reasonable recently and battles we were having (getting dressed etc) we don't have any more. DD (3) is becoming more wilful, but I can cope with her now that DS has settled down (just knowing that it will sort itself out).

I think when you have children close together it feels as if each stage lasts twice as long as they overlap. Think about all the hurdles you have overcome (sleep, eating, potty training etc). (Actually we are still tackling all of those ).

I think I'm trying to convince myself now!

You are absolutely not a terrible mother, so please don't be too hard on yourself. We would all be very strange indeed if we enjoyed being shouted at, ignored, disobeyed etc. And, oh, the whingeing.

DD (for the 100th time)"Muuuummmmmyyyyy - I neeeeeeeed yooooooouuu".

Me (for the 100th time, through gritted teeth) "Well, here I am darling."

I agree with the others - choose what's really important to you and try your hardest to let the rest go. Its about the only thing that keeps me sane!

You are certainly not horrible either. Unless we all are!

thank you all it's good to hear it's not just me and a relief that other people find this age difficult, why is it that they can pitch their whingeing at that particular level that makes your head want to burst?

scattyspice & cory you've given me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel - i'm just really scared about the teenage years, if they can be this stroppy now what the hell is that going to be like??!!

What a great site, feel tons better xx

mind you, they're in bed now so it's easy to feel fine about it lol

Mine are now 11 and 12. I have been through all of this and it is soul destroying. You do get over it and the kids do move on. You won't believe how much better you will feel when they get older. Having said that, you must stand your ground and make sure that they know who is boss, or else they may end up being in charge of the household.

I always stand my ground, I sometimes think that's why our house is home to WW3 most of the time....

Lots of sympathy and just to say that I feel exactly like you. There are lovely moments of course, but on the whole I can't help feeling that those moments aren't enough to make up for the rest of it I know what you mean with the worry about teenagers but at least they ignore you most of the time

Ooh, you sound just like me and I have only one! You've been given lots of good advice already and I can agree with a) making sure you have time for yourself and b) deciding the key areas where you want to set boundaries and let the rest go. Sometimes when it feels like things are getting out of hand I take a deep breath and try and take a mental step back from the situation to decide whether I really want to make a fuss or not. I also find trying to keep a sense of humour helps - difficult situations can often be defused by a bit of silliness.

But mainly, hugs to you - it's not bloody easy is it? There must be something about it, I've spent the last three years ttc another one!