Screaming before daytime nap

[Steena]

hi all,

my son is now 10 months old and has been going down really well at night since about 6 months old after one night of controlled crying.

the problem is daytime naps. he has to be cuddled for the whole 1 - 2 hours!! it's all my own fault because i have an all consuming attachment to him and sooo enjoy our cuddles. i lost 3 babies before having him and am sure this has something to do with it! i tried controlled crying earlier today- he nodded off on my lap and i put him in his bed before enduring 45 minutes of uncontrollable crying (checking every 10 minutes). i couldn't take any more of seeing him like that so cuddled him and, lo and behold, he went straight to sleep. i put him back down and he immediately screamed again- this went on for 15 minutes and i again cuddled him and am now typing this with one hand as he's cuddled up to me now! it just seemed cruel and completely pointless for both of us to be in such a state.

this wouldn't be a problem if i wasn't planning on going back to work part time and, more than anything, that judgemental look that people give you when you mention this problem!

what do i do ladies?

I think you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. You should do what feels right - your baby will grow out of it at some point - do you know any adults who need their mums to cuddle them to sleep??
I never left my children to cry, and lots of mums I knew did and were sniffy with me when I said I couldn't.

Sorry that's no use whatsoever is it? But I still struggle to get my 4 yo to go to sleep so I'm not one to give advice on sleeping really lol..

Good luck, above all, don't worry about what other people think, and DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP x

have just read my reply and it's worse than useless.. sorry

No, it's not useless at all. It's nice to hear that someone else out there cuddles their babies! Seriously, people look at you as if you've just told them you make them forage for worms for their tea when you say you can't leave them crying!

He really is such a lovely, happy little man and I do realise that soon enough he won't want any cuddles from his mummy anymore so perhaps I should just make the most of it! I will try again and again and see what happens.

Thanks for replying my dear- I don't feel such a miserable failure after that little pep talk. And good luck with the 4 year old!!

xXx

I left mine to cry, but 'tis my method of dealing with the tantrumming little sod I refuse point blank to attachment parent, although that's what my son chose. He learnt that mummy wasn't playing ball and now happily goes to bed and nap with a wee hug and a smile.

My only advice is that if you want him to go down without you, then just put him down, get a cup of tea and ignore him. If you don't want to, just keep cuddling. It's really not that much of an issue

I would think that at that age it is probably separation anxiety, when you go away he is genuinely scared that you aren't coming back. I think if you keep cuddling him he will actually grow out of it on his own anyway!!

I don't think it sounds right for you or him to leave him to cry as it really upsets you. He is still very young. Hopefully this phase will not last long!!

Thank you for your messages- they do really help. And I think you're right- he is still a baby afterall and it just doesn't come at all naturally to me to let him cry like that. It makes me feel terrible when I try to do it and then give in after letting him get into such a state when, in the end, it's completely pointless if I can't see it through. I was in tears last night thinking that he wasn't 'normal'- it all seems so silly now.

He sleeps through the night without a problem, is a lovely well behaved little dude so perhaps I should just count my blessings for that!

Thank you ladies.

xXx

poor you having lost three babies, no wonder you find it difficult to let him cry. totally understandable.
he is just confused because in his head the cuddling is a prelude to the nap and that's how he goes to sleep - so when you dont do it , it feels to him like it is all wrong and he cant understand why.
if you really need him to learn to nap on his own (eg you are going back to work soon) you need to break the link between cuddling and nap. start a new routine - maybe a nappy change, drink, quick cuddle on your lap or book, then into the cot and leave. keep coming back eveyr 5/10 mins, reassuring him you are there but saying it's time to go to sleep. he will eventually nod off. at 10 months it will take a while to chang e the habit as he's old enough to know that if he cries you will come but it will work if you persevere. you can still have plenty of cuddling while he's awake.
if you dont need it to change right now, that's fine too. but it will get harder to change once he's older .

My boy and I had a breakthrough today- a tiny one, but a breakthrough nonetheless! He drifted off on my lap, I woke him gently then laid him in his cot whilst just stroking his back and calming him (he'd started screeching before his body had even touched the mattress!). I stayed with him for about a minute then left him- after one more visit and a total of 20 minutes crying he was gone. He only went down for 45 minutes and when he did wake up I left him for a few minutes to see if he'd go back off but he must have had enough sleep as he's still awake now. I did it!! Things can only get better from here!

Thank you for all your support and advice.

You sound like a fab Mummy and if another Mum looks at you in a funny way for what you are doing then they are simply not true Mums We all have our turn at not knowing what to do - or needing advice. So don't you worry about them. I am Mum to three boys - first needed lots of cuddles to go to sleep. Second couldn't wait to be in his cot and would go straight off and my latest has a dummy to get him off. The only advice I can give is that I found they were much better going down awake. So once I saw they were tired I would darken the room - pop then in their cots and I always needed a mobile or light show as I call it too distract them - and eventually they would drift off. It is like falling asleep in once place and then being put in another place is what upsets them.

Hope this helps

NooBee

That is really helpful- thank you NooBee! He has unfortunately picked up a stinking cold but took himself off without any problems last night- he only woke up because he was so bunged up he was physically sick- poor little mite. We'll try again today and we will get there eventually. At this stage I don't mind how long he goes down for as long as he takes himself off. I admire you dealing with 3!!!

This is just incase any mum is reading this and is in the same position as I was just a few days ago. Have hope!!! After just a couple of days of daytime controlled crying he now goes down without any commotion for a nap each morning and afternoon- for at least 1.5 hours each time! Even if he wakes he just settles himself back down and when he's done he gives me a shout! Don't get me wrong, it was so hard to leave him crying but after the first day he just clocked it- second day took 20 minutes and now he goes down wide awake with a big smile. Life is as it should be! Funny how when one thing sorts itself out everything else just falls into place and you feel so much more positive about everything.