Age Gap

[florafoxtrot]

Due to secondary infertility - we've got a 5.5 year age gap between our two DDs. In many ways I feel its worked well for me as I'd expect it is less overwhelming than having two in nappies or managing a toddler and a baby - and as much as parenting is amazing - I do find it full on. A very basic example but I loved maternity leave and doing all the groups and coffee dates and was able to do that with both as DD1 was at school before DD2 came along! But in other ways I worry that they won't ever establish a relationship the way that children closer in age do. Will they ever have similar interests? DD1 is 6.5 and DD2 is newly 1, at the moment they can't really play together and DD1 has said on a few occasions that she misses when it was just her and us.

Infertility was so hard and even though I've now got everything we wanted, I feel like its haunting me! Any advice? Is this going to get easier as they build their own relationship?

Two of my cousins have a 6 year age gap and their relationship really started to blossom once the youngest was 4/5ish because at that point they could really start to play together at the park, soft play, in the garden etc. Before that I think all the (totally normal) baby/toddler behaviour sort of annoyed the eldest, her little sister was just something that came along and stole her mum’s attention but it was like a lightbulb clicked on at 4ish and she realised that actually she could play with her sister!

We have a 5 year age gap (very intentionally planned that way), and honestly, I think it’s ideal. Mine are older now (7 & 12) and I have yet to see any of their friends be particularly close with any of their siblings! Siblings generally aren’t friends. They fight, horribly. Until they’re adults and then they either become close or tolerate each other at family events, but that’s totally down to personality.

The only thing that does take a bit of planning is days out and activities. We do a fair bit of separate things, because our 12 year old wants to go hang out at the park with her friends, not go to soft play. Sometimes she’s even too big to go on things the younger one wants to do. Or alternatively, she’s very into sports and she may want to go the the climbing gym for the afternoon, but little one can’t climb, so Dh and I do a bit of dividing and conquering. He’ll take older one to cycle 20 miles or whatever and I’ll take younger one to soft play. But I’m not sure that’s hugely different than any family where children have different interests and abilities.

Otherwise, I’d say i think it’s been a great age gap. Definitely would not have wanted them any closer together.

IME siblings with bigger age gaps get on better once they are older. As they are at different life stages, their requirements from their parents are different, so there is less jealousy and less of one child not getting what they need from the parent. They are also less likely to clash over things important to them as their interests are different if that makes sense?

I had dt when dc1 was 5 all by fertility treatment hence the gap. Now 16 and 21.
I've found it goes in cycles (depending on maturity levels eg it seemed really big when dc1 went to secondary school and now dc1 is driving and settling into adult life).
Dt have always idolised dc1 (dc1 has found it frustrating at times especially being two of them but loves them loads). They still have a good bond but don't live in each other's pockets.
Things that helped were giving dc1 some one to one time each evening after dt went to bed and on teacher training days I'd take the day off work, dt in nursery and we'd have a day out doing something that dc1 wanted to do. Also making sure dc1 could play where dt couldn't get the toys when they were little without dc1 being away from the rest of the family.
To encourage the closeness dc1 and 2 enjoy similar humour/tv programmes so often bond over that. Dc1 and 3 are both into football and Xbox so have bonded over that. Dc1 doesn't live at home anymore but I make sure we have some family time once a month. This week we're having dinner together, last month we had pizza and watched football. Dc3 in particular is always asking when dc1 is coming over and gets cross if I see dc1 when they're at school.
They have a Snapchat group just the three of them which is great to keep the communication going. We also have a family group chat.
When they were growing up we'd do days out that they all would enjoy museums, boat trips, parks, beach etc. It never seemed an issue.
I do think it's dependent on personality though as well. I have a similar age gap to my sibling and rarely see them.

Thank you for all the kind words and practical advice! I think DD1 just struggles a bit as her pals all have 3 year old siblings that they can chase around the park and she wants the same. I'm sure DD2 will be running around the park soon enough though. Think I'm just feeling a bit sensitive today with getting back into routine of working/school/nursery.

I have a 6 year gap between mine and know exactly what you mean. However now my youngest is nearly 3 they are starting to form much more of a bond...running around together etc. My eldest is nearly 9 and also starting to adopt a bit of a protective and role model type role which is lovely. I agree that we do have to plan lot of separate activities due to different ages/interests, but we also enjoy being together as a family. I would recommend spending a lot on 1:1 special time with the eldest.