seeking advice regarding separation

[neveryoumind987]

i posted on here a while back about feeling very lost and trapped in my marriage, to cut a long story short, there is no abuse but things just arent working, we have 2 young children 5 and 7 and for quite some time ive tortured myself over my wish to separate, but ive come to realise that the only reason ive been staying is out of duty and endurance and this is making both me and my wife miserable. its been destroying me inside to the point where ive been going down some very dark roads in my own mind and behaviours.
ive come so close to ending things but i become paralysed by the fear, i have a deep rooted inability to knowingly cause harm or do anything perceived as selfish, so actually addressing this is almost a physical impossibility for me, i have been working this through in therapy and have come to the recognition that the only way for us both to have a happier life is by separating, my wife wouldnt want to separate i know that, but i also know how unhappy she is. we have tried couples therapy, but it didnt really change anything between us, so we've essentially lapsed into a state of cohabiting, being present with the kids, then on an evening not really spending time together.

theres a lot of back history, but i dont want to derail the purpose of this post, so please if you read this, take it as given that there is no fault here and im seeking advice on a specific part, not dissecting my marraige. i also recognise this is mumsnet, men sometimes get a fair bit of abuse, but im simply trying to find the least damaging way i can do this and so am keen for as many female perspectives.

i know that the longer this drags out, the more pain im causing, not as severe as separating but its just an ongoing damage which im hating myself for. but i also know that if i cause her this upset by talking about this, i will be unable to resist the pull to try and minimise the distress and harm and will reverse my stance, let things go back to how they were. so im thinking of showing her the respect of an actual conversation, but knowing i wont handle it well also leaving a letter behind, that articulates what i need to say. things i wont be able to actually say with words.
but i dont know if this i act of kindness by ensuring all the information is given to her or an act of selfish cowardness.

You mention talking to your wife and then leaving a letter. What about your children? Are you just going to talk to her then leave?

You need to tell your children you are going too.

Are you saying you want to leave your wife and family home without talking to her about it first? I think that’s the bare minimum of respect you need to show her. I wouldn’t leave a pub without telling my friends I’m going.

You also need to tell your children. You can’t expect to walk out and leave that job to her. While we’re talking about children, what’s your plan? 50/50 or just wednesday tea time and every other weekend?

no no, please dont misinterpret it, i will be talking to my wife, im not just going to drop a letter on the dining table and go, but i know that i wont be able to hold fast to the conversation, so i will talk to her about it, but also leave something in writing for when ive gone that clearly artiucaltes everyhing, and no not for a second will i walk out on my kids, my plan, as i would detail in a letter is to tell the kids together as soon as is right, so a weekend or something when they can have the time to talk it through with us i will absolutely do right by my kids in this. im just trying to make sure that i do things the right way.

No one is misinterupting it. You didn’t say this is your letter.

I don’t think it’s acceptable to drop this bombshell on your wife and then expect her to get on parent by herself.

I wouldn’t ever! I will be there for the kids. I’ll b there when they wake up. And come home untol they go to bed. I will not leave my kids or my wife in the lurch. I’m looking at ending my marriage not dismantling my family

I think you need to think very carefully about how and what you communicate to your wife what you seem to think you’re saying here is not coming across to me in your posts. Perhaps try focusing on what you’re planning on doing rather than the reason why.

My plan is to talk about it verbally. Actually have a conversation about it. But knowing I don’t handle these conversations well leave a letter when I go to summarise what I’ll be really crap at saying.

I think in this case a letter would be helpful. Are you planning on staying some where else that night? What if she doesn’t want you around?

I’ll stay at my parents. They live in the same town and I can be responsive to the kids. I.e get there in the morning and be there until they go to bed after work

When my ex husband left, there was not a chance in hell I'd have agreed to him being there when DC woke up and then after school. You leave, you don't get to play happy families like that unless your wife agrees to it.

Honestly, your writing is really unclear and I very much doubt a letter is going to be helpful to your wife. Maybe write out your thoughts for yourself to help you clarify them, but I wouldn't give it to her.

This, you're either in or out. That's not to say you shouldn't spend time with your children, but sadly by ending the marriage you will be dismantling your family in its current form.

If you're leaving you don't get to choose when you're in the house.

I would feel so disrespected if my husband were to live at his parents' and think that he could access my home every day (for the kids) yet not actively love and care for me. (And to have given up on the marriage.)
I would hate that.

Before you separate, as a last resort, have you tried treating 'love' ás a verb and not a feeling?
Activate behaviour of caring, 'do' helpful things for your wife as much as you can. Actively listen and see and ask how to help, how to be a friend. See how that goes for a few months.

If things don't improve at least you might have a better chance at working out the best way of separating, by discussing and listening to each other.

And ending things, as you put it, is a very selfish way to be a decent parent so give up on that thought. You can do way better than leaving your children that lasting legacy..

Your aim is not to hang in there and stick at the marriage - it is to reactivate joy, hope and contentment in the marriage and family life. No one wants you to suffer. Aim for happiness.

I’m not coming in and out for my leisure. My priority here is in the first few weeks. Or until it’s broken to the kids. To maintain stability. The family unit woukd change, but I know both our priorities would be to keep the kids okay. To give them consistency and reassurance where possible. So being there for when they wake up and go to bed isn’t for me, or not solely, it’s to support the kids emotially.
im A really hands on dad and very much an active parent and I want any changes for them to be as softened as possible.
also in terms of your advice user1492757084 I honestly have tried everything. This has heen something I’ve laboured over for literally years. I’ve tried changing everything about myself and tried changing behaviours. We’ve tried couples counselling and I’ve been in therapy myself for months now. I really have tried to make it work but the love just isn’t there.

If she was my friend I would be saying tell him where to go with his demands to be in the house. She will be hurting due to your actions and it’s unfair on her to expect her to face you.

You can’t mantain stability for the kids. Things are changing, you’re leaving your wife and therefore the family home. You being there all the time will also confuse things more. The sooner the new normal starts the better for them. The grey area time in confusing.

Okay OP breathe your fine you have done nothing wrong and I understand what your trying to say. I'll respond but breathe your okay.

1. Please ignore all posters who are telling you you will lose the right to acess your own home in the event you ask your wife to seprate. This is deeply wrong and reflects an abusive mindset. She has no right your adults you need to navigate your sepration im sorry to tell you, you both need to very quickly grow up. Your post indicates a level emotional immaturity on both sides that is unhealthy, grow up your opening conversation is not about a potential divorce its about your unhappiness, you are unhappy in your marriage because.....

1. If your wife is compelety unable to engage in this conversation or you feel you are not happy or mentally supported enough to continue being married propose an intial seperation, in that conversation you both need to do the adult thing discuss if this is permanent or temporary to see if the relationship to be rebuilt. You agree the schdule of childcare, where it happens who does what. Ideally as other posters indicate pusical seperation is ideal but it needs to be discussed l.

1. If your partner is abusive or emotionally unstable then first reach out to a mens domest9c abuse helpline . They can guide you on a safe exit. If there has been social services involvement they will need to be notified. I think I'm reading between the lines a little your are afraid of an extreme unstable reaction and you want to after the person is well maje sure they understand it wasn't there fault, actually that's a little narrassicstic the letter is for you write it to your self, aim to leave the door open to one more face to face conversation if she wants one day when things are better.