Relationship with 2 year old

[Feelingdonein]

My relationship with my 2 year old is awful at the moment. I would love some advice on how to navigate through this. Sorry this post is long… don’t want to drip feed/miss stuff out that might be important.

Bit of background… after 5 years of IVF my wife and I (we are a same sex couple) had a little girl. I birthed, partners eggs (if that’s relevant). I adore my little girl, I took 12 months maternity and another 6 months career break to care for her and in all honesty I absolutely loved it.

We had 2 embryos left and really wanted a sibling for our girl. After lots of failures we decided to put both embryos in at the same time. It was our last chance of another pregnancy and to be honest we weren’t very hopeful it would work. Anyway it did and I got pregnant with twins!

In the last 8 months there has been lots of changes for my little girl. I’m giving all this information because I don’t think it’s as simple as the twins were born and she’s just struggling with that adjustment. Here’s a summary:

• I stopped breastfeeding her. Gently weaned as much as I could but milk supply got low during pregnancy and we were left with no choice.
• I went back to work part time. She went to her grandmas (who she adores)
• I was pregnant with twins so obviously couldn’t do as much with her as I had done. Less active play etc. obviously I still played with her gently/read books etc.
• I stopped co sleeping. I was massive and uncomfortable and fidgety all night. My partner took over nights with her. Settled her when she needed it. I was always available at night but my partner would sleep with her if needed and we transitioned her into her own room.
• We attempted nursery but she absolutely hated it and the weeks after going she wouldn’t eat/sleep/play. She cried all the time and just wanted my partner. This is when she started to have a preference for my partner. She doesn’t go to nursery anymore.
• Finally, the twins were born. I was in hospital for just under a week and barely saw her. She got sick, slept terrible and was clearly stressed. I’m home now and twins are 2 months old. Obviously I try to give my 2 year old lots of attention but I have the twins as well to care for.

Now for our relationship. She prefers my partner to me, this change happened before twins were born. Even though it hurts I’m kind of ok with this. I’m glad she has a good relationship with my partner and that she feels comfort and love from her. It’s completely understandable given the circumstances now twins are here. And I know children can change parental preferences frequently.

What I’m really struggling with is when she completely rejects me. Pushes me away, refuses anything from me, tells me I don’t love her, won’t talk to me, ignores me when I talk to her. If she’s particularly tired she will have a tantrum if I even go near her. If she’s upset in the night or has hurt herself if I get close to her it makes it worse. Unfortunately our household is becoming a bit divided - me and the twins and my partner and our 2 year old.

So my question is how do I build this back up?

I try to have 1:1 time with her daily, sometimes it’s great, sometimes she hates it sometimes she just wants my partner. Even when it’s great she can still reject me later that day.

We've tried taking to her about it but she 2 and although she’s a good talker I’m not sure she understands or can verbalise her thoughts/feelings. But any advice on how to communicate with her better is appreciated.

We’ve tried just ignoring it and trying to be as normal as possible.

We obviously stop and tell her it’s not acceptable for really bad behaviour like pushing me or shutting doors on me.

This is really getting me down. I cry everyday. I know I’m post natal and hormonal as well which doesn’t help! I long for my old relationship with her, or at least a half decent relationship with her. I’m not sure how to be around her anymore because sometimes things I do set it off. I hate that I can’t just be natural around my little girl anymore.

Please help!

She's had a huge amount of change to deal with. In her eyes, you've changed, you're less available than you were, and you vanished for a week. You and I know the reasons for all that, and that it's all totally understandable but your little girl doesn't know any of it. You can't talk to her or reason this out with her - she's two.

Try to keep calm and carry on. Tell her off for pushing / shoving / closing doors on you as you would if she did it to anyone else, and your partner needs to do this too. Keep up your 1:1 time with her and try to follow her lead during this time, so that you're a play partner in those times, rather than the grown up. It will take time for all of you to adjust to the new set up, so go easy on yourself

Similar situation here too - 22 month old and an almost four month old. Same sex couple too! I birthed both babies, we have one of each egg. My eldest went through a period of about a month of exactly this behaviour. I could have written this post, even down to the stopping co-sleeping, the hospital stay etc. I’m pretty sure it was around the two month pp time too. It’s now back to normal. I think it will change for you too. Try to make sure it’s not just you looking after the twins, maybe take her out on her own if she lets you (my son literally wouldn’t walk down the street with me - he ran back to the house to be with mummy 🤦🏼‍♀️). Most of all, let her feel it and acknowledge it - “I get it, you don’t want me to do xyz now, you want mama to do it, I love mama too! But I’m going to do xyz today”. I.e. acknowledge how she feels but don’t let her dictate who does what. Be patient and consistent and present and try not to show you are hurt. It will take time but this is your wonderful daughter who you will have a relationship with forever, this is just a natural short-term reaction to a very acute and specific time. It will pass!

Honestly it's lot to deal with even for an adult let alone a toddler! I think there's no fix, just keep plugging along and things hopefully don't go off the rails.

Imagine the other way round, you are married with your partner and one day your partner starts to act differently and distant, then all of a sudden everything goes crazy and they let you know they've got two new partners that they'll love and they disappear for a week and then come back and spend half their time attending to every whim of their new partners. You'd be floored, but we expect kids to just get on with it. It takes a good long time for them to suck it up that it's their new life.
Just stick with it with empathy and hope thing go well for you.

@Lottapianos - thank you for your response. You make a good point about 1:1 time - follow her lead and play. Sometimes I just go into mum mode and change nappies, give food, clean teeth etc. and so she’s not getting fun times with me very often. No where near as much as she used to!
@Leaf86 - thank you for giving your story. Really interesting to know it’s not just me! And I’m so glad it passed for you! I keep telling myself everything’s a phase but the daily drag of it all is really hard and I feel so defeated by it. It’s really hard to know when/if I should just give in and let my partner do things to save a melt down etc. or whether I should keep going?! I think acknowledging feelings is good - thanks!
@johnd2 - thanks for replying. Yeah I feel awful that her world has been turned upside down. I completely and utterly understand why she’s struggling. I certainly don’t blame her for her feelings right now. I’m just finding it hard to know how to respond appropriately in order to support her through this! It’s knowing what to do to show her I love her and I’m still here for her. It’s hard to get a 2 year old to see that.