It’s a birthday party invite one…

[WingspanWriggler]

Just opened up Facebook to see one of DDs little friends from her class having a lovely birthday party with lots of other girls from the class this weekend and DD wasn’t invited.

This isn’t my first rodeo, this is my third DC and I’ve been in this situation before but it still feels awful. And I know it’s me, not DD. She is lovely and I see the way the children in her class respond to her, her teacher says she’s awesome and gets along so well with everyone. But the mum’s are all pals and I’m not. I find the school gates excruciating and am just so awkward and rubbish at chit chat and small talk. I do a lot better with deeper conversation, which is absolutely useless in this situation. My eldest child is 12 and all this shit happened with her too. I’ve never been added to a class what’s app group.

I have plenty of friends, just not mum friends. I find the school gates so awkward and where I live we don’t have neighbours (outside of our village) so by the time we got to the school gates everyone seemed to know each other already.

I swore it would be different with youngest DD, I got in early and had a whole class birthday party at the start of the year, that’s what DD wanted and I also thought it would be handy so the mums would have my number and I’d have theirs. I arranged a few play dates off this and only one has been reciprocated. Again, this all happened with elder DD - I would have kids round and she was often never invited in return. Her teachers always commented on how great she was at playing and getting along with everyone too.

Not sure what I’m looking for here, maybe just getting it off my chest and looking for some empathy. I hate it because in all of my parenting, this feels like one area where I just fail my children consistently.

I'm in a similar situation. The school gates make me feel like I'm an awkward 10 year old all over again, and when the cliques are formed before you even get to the school gates it is so hard. I think though that adult led friendships aren't always good for kids in the long term, as it can be hard for them to back away if things aren't going well.

Thank you. Thats very true. So hard just now when I feel like I’m failing her though. Maybe if I could look ahead and see that friendship has worked out for my older daughter, but she still hasn’t found her people. 😔

Same here. Sending hugs. You and your daughters will either find your tribe or will just realise you are actually really happy with each other. It might just take a while.

Maybe try some after school clubs sports or art, drama, music so she can try to find her tribe. I've found I've made friends of parents where one of my DS's are in a sports club and play matches. Especially long matches like cricket. I always pack too much picnic and DC often has a couple of friends come over to share, especially if their parents can't stay to watch whole match, and he's been invited to party's, and sleepovers.

Have you asked to be added to the class WhatsApp. Our one people are just being added all the time by diff parents.

I think that’s really rude. If my kids got invited to a party I always reciprocated when we did one. It’s hard when yours gets left out especially when they are little but ultimately you will have no control over their friendship groups. It’s up to them to navigate.
My elder two are adults now, the first really struggled with friendships for years at school, got on with everyone just no close friends but then got a great group around age 12 but they all fell out at 16. She went to 6th form in a totally different school to her friends and made another group of friends. She’s still close to a couple of them now although none of them live in the same town. At uni she made 6 close friendships and again is still very close to them . So in terms of adult friendships none of them came from primary or high school.
My middle one always popular and had lots of friends throughout school. Developed a large group in senior school but had a massive fall out in year 11. Broke off into a smaller group, she is still good friends with three of them to this day she also has a childhood friend from a hobby who she is very close to. she made friends at college who she still occasionally sees and has a group of uni friends .

It’s different for everyone, some people make close friends at school, uni, work, through partners. . But if those friendships maintain it’s down to the people in them not their parents.
My three closest friends, two are from school and one I met at play group when kids were little.

Thanks for the replies.

I think it’s pretty rude too. I don’t think children should be forced to have people they don’t want at their party but I’m pretty sure the girl would have happily had dd there, she just didn’t think of her and the mum could have double checked this as she happily accepted dd’s party invite.

I didn’t realise people ask to be added to class what’s app groups? I might be brave and try this next year, although the thought of doing that also feels excruciating. Like I said, they have my number. Do people really ask other mum’s they’re not friends with to do that?

Is there an “official” class WhatsApp? Run by a parent who’s on the PTA or something? Or is it informal?

Not inviting a child because you are not friends with their parent is not nice, I agree.
But I think if you want your DD to have a better time at school in terms of parties and being included in stuff you will need to make more effort. The WhatsApp group - in our school people asked to be added to it. The parents (mums really) who weren’t on it, everyone assumed didn’t want to be part of the group and included in things, which was respected.
It might be hard for you to chit chat at the gates but you might be coming off as unapproachable and not interested 🤷

Sorry to hear this op ... exactly the same happened with my second DC....I got on fine with the parents in my first DC class but the second were very cliquey...you were either their best mate or totally ignored...no middle ground. My DD was a very popular girl but left out of so much. As she got older, I actually told her the truth...the mummies in this class only invite their friends children....I preferred this option to her thinking there was anything wrong with her

Fwiw op...I found it very amusing once the kids grew up and started to put their foot down about who their friends were, and they weren't necessarily their parents friends children.

This is really sad and rude of the mums not to invite you after they accepted your invite and ruder still to put it on social media

Regarding the what’s app thing, my daughters year group set one up (one of the parents did specifically) during lockdown. I was not invited or added on, hadn’t even heard of it until someone blurted it out over another issue. This is despite my keeping in touch with various parents, sending their children birthday wishes, just checking in, that sort of thing. I was given the excuse that they didn’t know the what’s app group was my thing.

During the time of lockdown and possible school return (around June) of course this group would have been “my thing.” It feels like some mean girl clique behaviour. I’d be inviting people, no problem, if they refuse at least they’ve had the offer. Amazes me how grown women behave sometimes. No wonder I get social anxiety from time to time!