I am so fed up with my partner at the moment!

[CloudNarnia]

Hello!
Guess I’m looking to offload in a place without judgement. I’ll change some of the exact info just for self preservation!
Life with my partner is so strained at the moment. We had 2 kids placed with us for adoption around a year ago and it has been beyond horrendous. We had 24/7 violence for about 3 months, constant verbal abuse, constant deliberate wetting - 5-6 times all day all over the house, as well as sexual behaviour from the older one towards my partner. She then disclosed stuff about birth family, leading to a court case. A lot of which has been possible due to my extensive observations and diary.
Nobody, even my best friend believed how bad the situation was until the older one started replicating behaviours towards me in school. Then they took it all seriously. Even her teachers say it’s such hard work to have them in the class.

I have never ever felt so horrendous and ended up with high blood pressure so bad that I was hospitalised last summer. It was 230/180. My partners response was that he wanted to leave me and take the kids. He is frustrated with the situation because the kids are really so chaotic and hard to manage. It’s far from what we envisaged as parents and it’s all just been so awful and exhausting. But it’s been way worse for me because they had a phase of hissing/ being constantly verbally abusive and he’s not had that. The older one is unhinged and has randomly slammed doors on my arms and into my hip causing huge cuts and bruises.
They are incredibly hyperactive and hyper vigilant and fight literally constantly. It’s a joke though because he never gets up in the morning, he will get up at 8.30, when the older one has to leave for school. At the weekend he will sleep until 10. He couldn’t cope by himself!

I see a therapist and a psychiatrist for my ADHD, and even they said the situation was so extreme they wanted to know I have to think about my own health.

I told my partner that we had to try to make it work because I feel like we just have to. The key word here is ‘try’. There’s no guarantee that they’d be able to stay with either of us if we separate before the adoption order is finalised. Their emotional needs are so complex that they need a 2 parent family. Even having family/ friends around they are such hard work.

The thing is, my partner has now taken himself off sertraline after taking 50mg for 4 years. He went cold turkey of his own accord and when I just suggested he get advice or speak to the doctor he just said ‘yeah yeah’ in a childish way. And does this if I mention it. But I have a right to have an opinion if it’s affecting his behaviour towards me/ the kids.
I found out that he’s booked a lads holiday for 4 nights in August and hadn’t told me.
He also has a 4 day stag in May. This is the kind of thing that really will disregulate the kids and be beyond stressful and I’m so upset and angry. What if I get a high bp again and end up in hospital! It’s like he just isn’t considering my opinion anymore.
I can’t stand it.
The kids deserve a stable environment and I can’t stand the thought of giving up on them because we split.
I also know that the situation has become very toxic and I know I deserve better too.

What a mess!

Has anyone been through anything similar?

This sounds really tough. How old are the children? What reason did your partner give for wanting to leave you? The children’s’ behaviours alone aren’t a reason to leave, so what in his mind is the reason for leaving?

You should have been told much more about the background of these children and you should be getting much more support. Unfortunately Social Seevices are just keen to place the children without any thought to the people who are meant to parent them. TBH it sounds as if these children should never have been placed with you as your relationship can clearly not cope with the strain they are placing on you. Maybe you need to admit defeat , give them back and then work on your relationship and see if you can sort it out.

Many children who end up being placed for adoption or foster care, have had horrendous starts in life. Taking on children, especially older children, can be stressful, and it's hard. The children's behaviour is most likely trauma based. However, knowing that doesn't help you. Did social services tell you that the children's behaviour is challenging? Or has it been down played? What help are you getting from outside agencies? You both clearly need much more support and are way out of your depth. Are the children receiving any form of therapy? There has to come a point when you do need to think of your own health and your marriage. Adopting two highly challenging children and then splitting up, is not going to work. Neither of you will be able to cope on your own, and it's yet more instability for the children. You and your husband need to have a honest talk about what is happening and decide what is best for you both and the two children. I understand completely you don't want to let the children down, but, you do have to think practically. You can't cope, your husband can't cope, neither of you can cope on your own or together -you're barely holding your heads above water. You need to stop the adoption, as hard as that may be. I say this as gently as possible, admitting defeat has no shame, what would be wrong is continuing knowing it's not working.