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Original poster

Do I have to tell ex husband I'm going on holiday abroad?

16 replies

sleepysuzy81 · 13/04/2025 15:23

I'm in a bit of a sicky situation.

I've divorced from my controlling ex husband and we have two children together.

During the holidays we split custody and we have one week with the children, before we swap and they go to the other parent. My ex husband has always been controlling but since I've separated from him it's gotten so bad. He will use the children to try and control me (when I have the children and when I don't).

I have had two previous occasions where I was due to take the children away on small holidays and he's fabricated illnesses with the children or blown small illnesses out of proportion to try and ruin holidays for us.

I am due to go away this week with my partner (without the children) and I know I have to tell him that I'll be away and that I won't be in easy access to the children. I am so worried at what he'll do to try and ruin it. I know I have to tell him that I'm going to be away (I always try and encourage a good co-parenting relationship) but I really struggle with him because he says everything is my fault, I'm a rubbish mother, etc. He will definitely try and make me feel guilty about being away from them (I am going to Greece) so a different Country. I know he will try and fabricate issues whilst I'm away to make me feel guilty and I don't know what to do.

Shall I just tell him I'm away and am not around or do I tell him the truth about being so far away? His jealousy is awful and when he finds out I'm going away with my partner he will not like it at all. He knows how to get into my head and I need some advice.

Thank you!

OP posts:

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 15:25

How old are the children?

Queeneel · 13/04/2025 15:26

Does he know you have a partner? The children know?

DenholmElliot11 · 13/04/2025 15:27

Just don't tell him.

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Gattopardo · 13/04/2025 15:28

Just don’t tell him. You’re under absolutely no obligation to. Call the kids from somewhere neutral and unidentifiable (if you usually do regular calling). If they are too young to clock you’re away abroad or very incurious (!) then especially don’t tell him. You can have someone on standby here in case of true emergencies - a family member maybe?

Hollietree · 13/04/2025 15:32

Do you have a trusted relative or friend nearby who the children know well? If so I would ask if anyone could be on standby for you. Message ex on the day you are leaving for the holiday, something like:

”Hello ex, just to let you know that I am going away today for a few days, I will be back in the country on x date. As you know, the children are in your care during this time, but should there be any emergency during this time I have arranged for (insert relative or friend) to be on standby for me. Here is their phone number should you need it.”

I would guess he is less likely to make up imaginary emergencies if he know that it won’t ruin your plans.

CurlsLDN · 13/04/2025 15:33

You have no responsibility to tell him at all.
I know there’s a feeling ‘just in case’ with the children, but they will be with a responsible parent and if something did happen whether you’d told him or not wouldn’t make you get home quicker.

go, enjoy your trip and consider some counselling when you get back as this guilt and fear of his reactions to things is sadly a hangover of your abusive and controlling relationship. I was in a similar situation and counselling after my divorce has really helped me - you deserve to live freely just like everybody else!

curious79 · 13/04/2025 15:36

No obligation whatsoever, legal, moral etc etc. Given what you know about him, don't ruin your time by giving him warning.

I went abroad - think 11 hrs time difference - and didn't tell my ex knowing that he would do whatever he could to stir the pot, claim there was an emergency, prevent me from speaking to DD etc etc. He tried to ruin soooo many holidays over the years.

I had trusted others around who could potentially pick up in an emergency.

heymammy · 13/04/2025 15:37

You don't need to tell him a damn thing...why give him the ammunition!

He is due to have the children this week, end of story. If you get any sort of spurious non emergency contact from him when you're away just say you're not at home so unable to help.

Please don't give him a second thought, you deserve to enjoy your time away

curious79 · 13/04/2025 15:37

Hollietree · 13/04/2025 15:32

I would guess he is less likely to make up imaginary emergencies if he know that it won’t ruin your plans.

Nope - ignore this advice. Don't tell him you're abroad. Phones work abroad. If he can contact you he has your number

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 13/04/2025 15:39

He won't be able to get in your head and private business if you remove his access to you.
Communicate only by parenting app.

LividBoo · 13/04/2025 15:44

I have an XH who would pull this shit.

DO NOT give him the opportunity.

For your own peace of mind, have someone at home on alert for emergencies. So if there is a REAL issue, an Aunt or someone can be ready to go to the hospital while kid's broken bone is set, or whatever it might be.

If you let him know this in advance, he'll pull a stunt to ruin your trip, even if it's just with worry.

Mine knows I'm a mega worrier, and drops in just enough shit to make me worry but so he can pass it off as him just being responsible. He'd be messaging as I was in departures with some made up emergency so I couldn't enjoy a minute. Don't let him.

Largestlegocollectionever · 13/04/2025 15:48

I wouldn’t say a word!

Why would you need to?

Id play out some examples in your head - child is injured / ill and goes to hospital - firstly they’ll have a parent there with them, and you can be home in less than say 10 hours?

It’s really non of his business what you do!

itsgettingweird · 13/04/2025 15:51

Don’t say a word.

Go and enjoy yourself with a new partner who hopefully will treat you well when you’re away.

If you get any texts or anything about your children just reply “as their father and as they are in your care I trust you to deal with it”.

Read about grey rocking too

JoyousEagle · 13/04/2025 15:54

How old are the children? Will they tell him anyway?

I don’t see what benefit there is in telling him. If something happens that requires you to fly home, the amount of time that will take you is the same whether he knew in advance or not. It doesn’t help in any situation for him to already have this information.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 13/04/2025 15:55

Do your children know you are going on holiday? Are they likely to tell dad quite innocently? That would inform my decision. I wouldn't tell him because he doesn't need to know and he will cause trouble if he does. I told my ex on a Sunday evening that I was taking the kids on holiday the following morning. He blustered that he would get a court injunction and I laughed. It was hot air and he knew it. You aren't taking your children on holiday so he doesn't get to rule your life. Go, and have a lovely time

pizzaHeart · 13/04/2025 16:30

JoyousEagle · 13/04/2025 15:54

How old are the children? Will they tell him anyway?

This ^
Do children know about the trip? Does ex know about the new partner? I wouldn’t tell him if he knows but if he doesn’t ….telling him will definitely cause shitty behavior from him.
I would agree someone to be on standby just in case but wouldn’t tell ex unless their help was needed.
I wouldn’t tell ex after as well (and to children if they didn’t know) because otherwise he would think that you were away every time children were with him and would arrange some disruption.

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