Those of you that have managed to raise girls that are happy with their bodies can you give those of us with little girls some advice

[MilaMae]

My dd is 31/2 and I sooo want her to love her body and how she looks.

So far so good as she's only small but I fear she'll be bombarded with all the appearance/media stuff when she starts school so want to get a head start on her feeling confident enough to ride it all out.

At the moment I make sure I never critise my body /appearance in front of her as poor love she's the spit of me so a size 14 pear shape is her destiny. We've also avoided Barbie which she isn't really interested in anyway.

Those of you with very confident daughters re appearance and body image how did you achieve it? Any tips?

Good thread - I had food issues from aged about 11 to 21 and still have a few that I can't shake (body dysmorphia - spelling?!) although I'm usually grounded by the fact that my young niece is in a wheelchair for life and even if sometimes I don't like how my body looks, at least it all works.

In any case, I have two DD's (5 and 4) and I really, REALLY don't want them to go through what I went through growing up as it made me soooooooooooooooooo unnecessarily miserable for such a long time.

I try my hardest not to complain about my size/weight/shape in front of them and will never use word fat. I tell them that they are gorgeous and in perfect working order(!) and I NEVER make them finish all the food on their plate (like I was made to when I was young) ... mind you, this brings on complications, particularly from DD1 who adores 'sweet stuff' .... "How many mouthfuls before I can have pudding Mummy?" ... which it's sometimes hard to be consistent over. She's slim as a whippet though and we eat pretty good food in this house, so I'm loving the fact that biscuits, cakes, crisps, lollies, sweets etc. are all thrown into the mix every now and again and hopefully are considered normal but not something that's craved for beyond everything else. That's what I strive for.

Oh to be a mother of daughters in this day and age ...

I have got a 9 year-old DD. She is very slim and we are a slim and tall family, but I am shocked about the attitude she and her friends have towards bigger people. Makes me very
Fat seems to be the same as stupid and I don't know how to stop this attitude except for obviously talking to her about her attitude.

Apart from this I agree with telling them how beautiful they are every day and never every express negative attitude about your own body in front of them.

I think it's really vital that parents have a positive attitude towards their own body - they need to eat healthily (not obsessively so) and take exercise and to embrace the body they were born with and make the best of what the genetic lottery of life gave them, and they need to communicate that message to their children.

Parents presumably found one another attractive, or they wouldn't have got together... and they need to communicate that they find one another attractive to their children.

I have a 16 yr old dd,she has a very healthy body image and is a fit and healthy size.

A good number of her friends are highly anxious about food and very thin.

I think it has to do a lot with personality of the child and general anxiety of the family.
Some of her friends have highly anxious parents,constantly worrying about their daughters friends,education etc.

These are the ones with the food issues.

I think a laid back relaxed attitude to life and good eating habits will stand your dd in good stead.

I do praise dd and tell her she's fab and gorgeous ,not just about her appearance but her personality as well.

Confidence is the key I think

NEVER NEVER NEVER say they look fat/have x/y/z wobbly bits/look stupid in such and such clothes

I just started a thread which kinda fits with this one! My dd, who is 12, asked if she could have salad for tea tonight, because she'd eaten rubbish all day! We eat all the normal things, we're not food freaks, we even eat sausage rolls, but through me, she has learnt that its everything in moderation. I think that because you are thinking about it so early on in your dd's life, you are on the right tracks already.

Ban women's magazines esp celebrity mags which go on and on about weight.

I think it is good to promote an exercise habit from an early age, so encourage physical after school activities - gym, dance, swimming, ball sports etc and walking to school.

Got interrupted yesterday and didn't mean to press post re DCs proudly showing off their 'fat' tummies (backs completely arched to make them stick out).

They do it because of a beloved great uncle who eats heartily and looks 9 month pg and they want to look like him. I meant to ask how mners would react to this. (At the moment I say 'yes, big fat tummy' because that's what they want to hear.) They are 5 and 3 and have been doing this for over a year so it's not really a phase.

Wondering whether I should tell them fat isn't healthy or just leave it?

Nutterly, I see your point (about looking stupid in suchandsuch clothes) but what do I say to my dd, 8 yrs and height/size of average 10 yr old, when she has grown too big for clothes or the are too tight around her emergent breasts () and she still wants to wear them? I usually say "I'm sure we can find something prettier/more comfy etc to wear"

We are very positive about her body, her soft skin, her beautiful hair, cute freckles etc as I do not want her to grow up with the issues my mother instilled in me.

But she has been called fat at school (she is correct cntile for height) and hates being taller/bigger/bigger feet etc than the pinfully skinny girls she is 'friends' with.

She has started eating only salad at school for lunch everyday - even on the day she has athletics and swimming (over 2 hours of PE) in one afternoon - I have explained this isn't enough and she needs some 'fuel for her engine'. Should I privately contact the school and ask them to endure she at least has some carbs (brown B&B is the only option not 1/2 jackets or anything) to keep her going as she is very pale and tired by the end of the day. We eat very healthily at home, although not obsessively.

I have a 12 year old dd who is, I think, pretty secure about how she looks(so far) I think what has helped her is always being very physical - I have encouraged her to get sweaty and messy as much as possible - trying to show her that often you have to forget about how you look to have fun. She loves riding and Scouts and enjoys getting wet and muddy!

She loves clothes and make up and all the girly stuff as well, and I have tried to be quite relaxed about what she wears and let her choose (we are very keen on charity shops, so she has been able to experiment with clothes from an early age without it breaking the bank) I have also turned a blind eye to a little make up to school - she feels better with a touch of brown eyeliner and brown mascara (she is a red head with transparant eyelashes). Her school is quite strict, so if she can get it past her form tutor then it's OK by me. I've also let her have Holiday Skin mousturizer for her legs because they are very very white.

I think what I am saying is this. Learning to accept how you look is hard for many
of us - especially with the media pressure around now. If I complained about any aspect of my appearance my mother's response was always "Nonsense, you're beautiful" She really believed this. If I had said to her "My eyelashes are too pale - can I wear some mascara?" she would have said "Nonsense, they're perfect, why should you?" The message I want to give my daughter is that she IS beautiful as she is, but if it would make her happier to have slightly darker lashes or slightly less white legs then she can. But it's to make her happier, not because someone else thinks that's how she ought to look.
Sorry for the ramble - hope it makes some sense!

I think that sounds a good approach Seeker. My mother couldn't stand her sister who was really into shoes, make up etc whereas my mother (just as attractive) thought only the mind/learning/supporting serious issues counted.

When I was a teenager I therefore thought making the most of your natural attributes equated superficiality/stupidity! It went on so long that it wasn't until my 30s that I accepted that it was ok to spend some of my money on nice clothes, beauty products etc.

The upside is that I don't have any issues about the shape of my body!

dd1 is 10 and has a very healthy attitude to her body, she is athletic but would never wear a bikini, as she wouldnt want to feel exposed, I think that is ok. She has a very healthy appetite, I have never suggested that she watch what she eats, on the other hand I have no issues with my body, (would have my stretchmarks removed if I had a magic wand but no great shakes)I am by no means perfect but I have never dieted, I grew up hearing negative messages from my mother constantly. She was anorexic and would tell me that I should watch what I eat as I am short and I would look very dumpy. I was really young when she first said this to me but I remember thinking, what a stupid thing to say.

Seeker that is a great attitude to have (both you and DD) if school crack down perhaps you can get her eyelashes tinted - now that would be really grown up! It's pretty easy to do even at home and the effects are great - although it can sting a little if it goes in eyes and need to do a patch test first.

We do lots of getting messy activities together we have ponies at home, have a veggie patch and lots of other animals. DD and I go nordic walking together in the woods, she has plenty of rough and tumble time, loves climbing trees and making fairy gardens out of leaves, flowers, sticks and mud (usually when she is supposed to be helping me muck out!).

I suppose, for me, it is helping her to understand that her body IS changing and this is a positive thing - can't do anything about the being tall/big feet thing though!

zippi's list is great

I think it is a great big complicated issue, and comes down to a child's learning/getting to know what sort of attention (from other people, and of all kinds - physical, emotional, academic, everything) they are comfortable with - so it is part of a whole-life pattern of "where do I belong?" (But a very crucial part - possibly the part which is most difficult to avoid - you can "opt out" perhaps of things like people paying attention to your ideas (just by not volunteering any) but you can't opt out of being looked at.)

Which is why zippi's emphasis on knowing lots of different kinds of children, and varied experiences - is so good.

My dd (7.5) is looking promising at the moment: although she's the conventionally-pretty type that could get too used to (& then reliant on) physically-appreciative attention, what she enjoys is being entertaining So - when they had a Mexican day at school, every single other little girl wore a flouncy skirt, flowers in their hair etc. - dd decided she would be ... a taco. (And came home sparkling & bouncing about "how everybody just wanted to eat me all the time")

We will see, though, how much a sense of humour carries you through.