Five year old DS behaviour

[LolaMontez92]

Looking for some advice as I don’t really know what to do here.

I have two children DD (7) and DS (5).

I share 50/50 custody with their dad (divorced for 3 years).

Some background - I gave up work after having the children so ExH could work, focus on his business etc. in hindsight he did very little for the children in terms of spending time with them, playing with them etc. When at home he was here but not present. He would always be working and would do absolute bare minimum with the kids unless I really pushed, which would then be met with resentment. I eventually found out he had been having an affair, which was the final straw. Kicked him out and never looked back. Parenting actually felt easier without him and his black cloud of resentment he felt towards me and the children he had claimed to want. Anyway, back to the point.

The children typically spend five days with him and five with me. Obviously I don’t know what goes on at his house, I imagine it’s much of the same, as in he works at home and the children amuse themselves/do what they like.

DD is sometimes quite rude, forgets manners, uses a demanding tone when she wants something etc. Appreciate fully the fact that she is soon to be 7 and this may well just be part of being a seven year old.

DS is SO clingy to me I can barely have a second to myself. Where DD is happy to play independently and do her own thing, he is usually found right behind me.

if I try to get any housework done, he is badgering me for any number of things. It could be he’s hungry (even though he’s just had a meal), he wants to go to the park, he wants to play on the PlayStation (something I don’t allow currently but they do at their dads girlfriends), he wants to go to the shops, or the beach (we live in the midlands) etc etc. this doesn’t sound like a lot on paper, but it’s probably on average every 3-5 minutes there will be a new request or demand. So I’m constantly answering or trying to explain why we can or can’t do certain things and I never get a minute of quiet time in my own head. then Of course there will be arguments with his sister that I have to diffuse, it’s exhausting.

He’s also started coming into my room at night and wanting to sleep in my bed. Which tbh I allow because I’d rather have the opportunity of some broken sleep than a full on screaming meltdown in the middle of the night. He wakes up in a morning at around 6am, then will ask me on repeat when I am getting up. So I don’t really get much quality sleep when he’s around.

he gets very emotional if he doesn’t get what he wants. Just now he’s in the bath and wanted me to sit on the toilet watching him for the duration. He then cried because I said no and then again that he wanted me to turn the water off (which I did), but it wasn’t instantaneous because I was in the adjacent room.

I’m feeling drained by it and I don’t know what to do to make it better. My brain goes straight to that maybe he’s feeling insecure going back and forth between me and his dad but I really don’t know. And obviously trying to get a 5 year old to explain what’s going on is just 🤷🏻‍♀️

thoughts? Opinions? Any help is appreciated

Now having a meltdown because he didn’t want to wash his hair, then he did want to but he wanted to do it with me staying and watching him. But of course he still wouldn’t wash it.

then he wanted to get out of the bath because he’s cold but also doesn’t want to get out because he’s cold, so he’s was just sat in the bath screaming. I’ve got him out and now he’s running to the bathroom trying to get back into an empty bath, screaming that he’s cold.

wtf am I meant to do with this 😭

Mine can be like this, especially dysregulated when he’s been at daddy’s.

I think research shows children do best with one primary home…

Honestly OP, this is going to sound like a really rotten response, but towards the end of your post I had to go back to double check I had correctly read his age. He’s five years old. Why would you object to sitting with him when he’s in the bath?

He presumably has an anxious attachment because he is away from you 50% of the time and with a parent who pays him no attention and allows him to play on a PlayStation! If it is really worrying you I would get him some decent play/child therapy, but honestly he just sounds like he needs his mum, and to feel loved and wanted. (I’m not suggesting you don’t, but it sounds like half his life will be spent feeling like he isn’t.)

He sounds very stressed and anxious
I agree with the idea of play therapy.

I fully agree with you, I probably should have. I think because I’m feeling overwhelmed I try to grab 30 seconds where I can to just have a moment of not being asked for something. I get very overwhelmed by constant noise and being asked for stuff (which I know is par for the course being parent), I just feel like I can’t catch a break and it’s very intense all the time. When I get overwhelmed I find it hard to regulate my emotions, so having a small break where I can reset is my way of coping with it. Perhaps not the best way but I’d rather remove myself from a situation than lose my shit.

I did wonder if it was a stress/anxiety thing. I’ll look into the play therapy. I’ll also speak to his dad about what they do at his house but I doubt I’ll get the full truth

It doesn’t sound like he’s getting very good quality sleep either so that could mean he’s more tired and therefore more emotional.
The tantrum over the bath, I would be ignoring. Making sure he’s safe and then waiting for him to calm down. The more attention that gets the worse it gets in my experience.
How much positive time and attention are you able to give him?

Things will get better with age. There's an end in sight.

You may have zero choice here OP, and it's not your fault. 50/50 I believe strongly is really hard on kids. When older, maybe . But at this age, a primary home is really important.

But if it's not feasible that's not your fault. Instead, you could just think every time they come back, he's going to be very dysregulated and need more from you.

So can you give more and accept that it makes sense for kids to be like this in this situation. It will improve. For now, can you go along with the sleep demands and the bath. It isn't abnormal. It's not setting up something you can't change later down the line.

The playstation - it does make life harder for you when they do things you don't. They'll adjust to the pattern in time.

Yes, when he’s in that state of tantrum, usually trying to talk to him/calm him down makes him worse and it escalates. So I usually just let it fizzle out and then talk when he’s calmed down.

I feel like I give him a lot. We spend as much time together as possible (between work/school). But when we are together I make sure we have time to play together, do jigsaws, painting/art. If he asks me to play with him I always oblige. We are just feeding the pet duck currently in the garden.

I feel like maybe I’m mentally trying to achieve a balance that isn’t attainable when I have the children and I should shift my expectations.

Could the custody be shared differently? 5 days is a long flying to be away from your Mum at this age, every likely he’s unregulated and begging for your attention.

Also if you’re not doing set days each week that makes it difficult for you to find work surely?

He's communicating. Look at what he's trying to express, rather than the way he's doing it.

Sorry about the typos. It should say a long time.

We do the same pattern, so when it’s my weekend with them, I have them from Wednesday evening through to Monday morning, when I drop them off at school, then exH will collect them from school. He then has them Monday eve/tuesday/collect from school Wed, he then brings them back to me Wednesday evening, I have them Thursday, drop them off at school Friday, then he will collect them and keep them through to Wednesday evening and the cycle repeats.

my work pattern fits around this, I essentially told them what I needed (at the time) and they thankfully accommodated it. If I needed to change it again I’m sure they would be as flexible as possible, it’s just how to change it. ExH was adamant he wanted 50/50 when we split up which is why it is how it is currently and he is incredibly difficult to even speak to never mind try to negotiate.

He will often say he’s not fetching the kids when he’s supposed to in order to try to control/“punish” me if he feels I’ve done something that he doesn’t agree with. The latest one for example was me objecting to him taking the children away over DS’s birthday, meaning I wouldn’t see him. ExH didn’t bother to ask me first, he just booked it and told me after the fact and was then pissed off that I objected. so then he didn’t bother collecting the children.

I agree it’s a long stint to be away from them and tbh I wish I could just have them all the time. I know that them being with their dad isn’t necessarily in their best interests but I feel like my hands are a bit tied as to how I can change that.

I've always been 100% convinced that this 50/50 parenting is no good for kids because most men are unmotivated and lazy. A child needs a stable home.
There will always be exceptions of course before everyone starts screaming but I saw this behaviour in my own DS before he was court ordered to stop seeing his father.
Also a bad mum who shacks up with numerous men is no good for them either.
This is clearly disturbed behaviour and he should see his father much less.

Is there a Child Arrangements Order in place abd do you communicate through a shared parenting App?

No orders in place, we don’t use an app. We communicate via text/phone call and face to face.

I try to keep things as amicable as possible, however his behaviour does concern me and I’ve often wondered about getting a court order put in place so he can’t use the children as power over me. He’s too selfish to realise how damaging his behaviour is to them and it’s impossible to get through to him, he just doubles down and deflects his behaviour and tries to blame me for it. It’s exhausting trying to deal with him in all honesty.

Mine wouldn't cope with this either, constant shuttling, never being able to just stop and breathe. New girlfriend in the mix. I'm sorry you're coparenting with such an unhelpful dick OP. I would really try and get your 'me time' on your five days though, when he's with you just smother him with love and attention (sounds like you give loads already I'm not criticising!) maybe at dad's he's not really getting much 'love' as such, PlayStation is all very well in terms of Disney dadding but he's such a baby, he might think he wants the PS but what he needs is love and boundaries. Also definitely find a play therapist if you can.

From what he’s said before, he finds it easier to take them out places, like soft play etc because then he can let them run riot and he doesn’t have to parent. He’s also recently asked me if he can split them up and have “one on one time” with each of them because he finds it too difficult having both at the same time. Which tbh I feel is a cop out and not going to be beneficial to the children as one is always left out. Happy to be corrected though

It sounds very difficult to navigate. How woukd it work for you if he had DS for one day. then both for a day then DD for a day? So you have 2 child free days and you both get a day each week with each child?

It might be best to say something like that sounds great but I think if we are going to change things, it woukd be better for you if we went through the Court and send him a link to the application for a Child Areangenents Order.

He sounds really awful Op, I really feel for you. It sounds like you are doing a great job in really difficult circumstances.

I think I’m struggling to find balance, I always knew he was a shit dad, so general life stress plus him being a dick stress and then kids on top gets a bit much for me sometimes. I automatically blame him but I know I need to take accountability too and be the best parent I can be, which is challenging on broken sleep and a demanding and stressful job. I think I just need to reframe it all and big girl pants time.

Thank you to you all for your advice yesterday. I am now unashamedly asking for some more…

Today started the same as usual, DS in bed with me, we cuddled for a while and chatted about general child related subjects. He soon started badgering for food/when are we going to get up etc. I tried to look at this differently to yesterday, despite the poor nights sleep and kept my head straight without getting annoyed/overwhelmed. Things seemed to be going ok and he was content for about 30 minutes.
then his sister got up, they started playing nicely together but it quickly broke down into arguments and him storming off and throwing things. This was addressed once he calmed down and we continued building Lego together.

I quickly tried to put the clean washing away, during which he was on repeat telling me he was hungry but of course didn’t want any of the suggested snack options. He had also only eaten approximately an hour previously. So I carried on, tried to get him involved by giving him little jobs like putting his socks in the drawer etc. I also suggested he have a little think about what he might like to eat. Whilst I’m doing this he is essentially strapped to my leg, and I can barely move without tripping over him.

He asks on repeat to “play games on TV” meaning the PlayStation I say no, we are going to do XYZ instead. So he cries for a while over this. When I say on repeat, I mean he says it over and over non stop for about ten minutes despite me answering him.

managed to do the washing. We spent some time spiking his hair up which is the latest thing he likes to do. Then he asks for a banana - I say yes of course. Eats banana, seems happy. Wants an apple, eats apple. Five minutes later he’s crying saying he wants his lunch because he’s hungry. I say at 12 I’ll make him lunch. I show him what 12 looks like on the clock. Meltdown ensues and he’s hitting out at me and screaming.

I’ve had to move away from him for a second to let him cool down and before my head pops.

Things seem worse today than yesterday. I try to accommodate his requests as far as possible whilst still having boundaries in place but I’m finding it difficult to know where to differentiate between accommodating his dysregulation and just giving in to him to keep the peace.

I feel like he’s in a constant state of discontent and obviously as a mum that’s really upsetting to see and I don’t know how to fix this. Do I just keep going? Should I be doing more? He’s constantly in my orbit and I try to connect with him as much as possible at every given opportunity but it never feels like enough. Feeling a bit deflated and lost with it all.

It sounds like he desperately wants your attention. Getting him involved in your jobs sounds like a good plan. Have you thought about starting the day with full on attention, eg go to the park at 9am, take snacks, play football with him. Then when you come back you may find he is more relaxed and you can do your jobs.

Also having a clear plan for the day may help, in the holidays I have a list on the fridge of what we are doing each day. My kids are autistic and this really helps, but i think it can help any child with anxiety.

I think you're doing great op in v difficult circumstances. I would just give the lunch tbh. Try and think is it my need or his that I'm setting a boundary for? This may help. V few real rules are needed and then be really clear on those. A play therapist consultation might be useful for you as a parent but a weekly slot for him won't change much if the environment that's causing the issues doesn't change. Lots of allowing the feelings needed.

I think he’s sometimes worse if he’s been in the house for too long. We all just took a walk to the shop for bread, via the charity shop for a 50p car and he’s been much better and more relaxed since.

He’s such a lovely little boy I feel so awful at the thought that I might be failing him as a parent 😔 my parents were abusive to me so I’ve not got any real life experience of what a healthy parent/child relationship should look like and I’m desperate to get it right for him and his sister.

Thank you for your responses 🙏🏼 I really do appreciate it