2.5 year old sometimes so unbelievably angry

[shan1995x]

This feels like a bit of a cry for help because I’m at a bit of a loss as to why my little girl sometimes has these unreal fits of rage. She is 2 and a half, in general the most beautiful little girl, she is so loving, cuddly, sweet and yeah, just beautiful. But she has these moments where she is a little monster, what some would perhaps say is just the terrible twos but it feels so intense sometimes.

This afternoon she just completely lost it and I’m not even sure why, but she was hitting me and bit me on the arm and wouldn’t stop. She was throwing stuff around like she was the hulk and I just was in shock that this tiny little thing had so much rage.

She’s had a little virus all week so I thought maybe it was down to that, she just didn’t feel well and was frustrated but she only stopped once it broke me into tears - which then made me feel like the child because I should be the strong one but she stopped and cuddled me because she knew I was upset.

It is so baffling because we do pride ourselves on being a calm, chilled household. Me and my boyfriend never argue or raise our voices around the children, never have. She’s never seen this kind of behaviour so I don’t understand where she could pick it up from or is it literally just a natural reaction?

I suppose I’m just looking for some reassurance that she will grow out of this and the fits of rage will go away as she gets older. But I can’t help feeling guilty that I’ve done something wrong to make her like this! She hasn’t acted like this in a little while but the last few days she’s had outbursts but today was the worst.

Any opinions or insights would be really appreciated, just feeling a little lost!

Totally normal. Remind yourself when it happens that she is having a hard time, she's not deliberately trying to give you a hard time (although it can feel like that). She's got all of the emotions that an adult has, but no way of processing or rationalising them yet.

Hold your boundaries re safety e.g. It's ok to be mad, it's not ok to bite. Mummy is going to stand this side of the baby gate to stop you hurting her. Let me know when you want a cuddle. And then let her work through it and talk it through once she's calmed down. No point trying to discuss anything with her when she's mad.

Thank you this is really helpful advice. I always tell myself and others in our family how she must be feeling so many big things that we just can’t understand, bless her. I feel awful for her when she does have these moments because what on earth could trigger someone that much. But thank you this is genuinely helpful and I definitely need to put better boundaries in place!

They don’t know how to process all these big feelings at 2. It’s best to stay calm, collected and not punish. They need info on what they’re feeling, anger, sadness, frustration and then advice on how to handle…like “when I was your age and angry, bouncing on the bed helps me feel better” . “When I was sad, some cuddles and listening to songs helped me” etc. gently show them how to identify what they are feeling and then teach them different things they can do to process and manage those feelings.

Thank you this is also really helpful advice. I do always try to say to her “I know you’re feeling lots of things right now…etc etc etc” and we have a cuddle and what not most of the time. Today was just next level. But thank you, very helpful!

Is she getting any pain relief for her virus? She could be feeling unwell and finding everything hard to cope with?

Hiya, yes yes we’re keeping up with Calpol and I did think this exact thing to be honest. I know when I’m poorly I feel annoyed sometimes so yeah we’ve been making sure she’s getting pain relief. Her back teeth are also coming through so we’ve been giving her stuff for that too, thinking perhaps that’s making her quite wound up from the pain

I would try some Ibuprofen too, it’s much better for dental pain than paracetamol. You can alternate does if she really in pain so give paracetamol and then 2 hours later give ibuprofen.

Lots of foods good for teething might help too like chunks of cool cucumber, homemade ice lollies or banana icecream.

If her rages continue once she’s feeling a bit better, come back and we can offer some more advice

@shan1995x I agree you should move away from her but maintain her safety but take issue with the talking it through. Unless her language is very advanced she’s not capable of doing this.

I don’t think this is totally normal either but I’m always surprised at what people think is normal now. Biting your mum is not normal. She’s not going to have any idea why she did that. I’d be worried about her going to nursery but she needs to go if she doesn’t.

She does need to be told “no”. Biting is never allowed. Never. I don’t entirely get rewarding with a cuddle either. A cuddle after she’s been told no and stopped this behaviour. Limit the toys available and any throwing of toys should result in them being put away. Don't facilitate her behaviour. I totally get that it’s hard but limit her opportunity to throw things and bite. She’s doing this because she cannot tell you what she feels so she won’t be able to articulate feelings if you keep asking her. Accept it’s a response to her feelings but limit the damage.

I don’t agree tgat she needs to go to Nursery. People often send DC to Nursety and can choose to or have to but unless there’s been some good research recently that I’ve missed, DC don’t benefit from Childcare until they’re 3.

So I’m not sure why you’re telling the OP that she must send her DD? It’s not going to magically make things any better.

I do agree with limiting touts however. We used to pack most of them away and have around 3 to 5 out. Sometimes changing them over, or some of them anyway, whilst they had a nap. Books are different though. They always had a bookshelf that they could reach.

Thank you I will try some of the foods too!

Yeah she’s good at talking but just where she might be expected to be for her age, not completely advanced or anything so talking it out isn’t completely possible.

no I absolutely agree biting is not normal and honestly feels mortifying when she does do it because I do not understand why she feels that okay, you know?

she goes to nursery for 2.5 days and I’ve mentioned this to them before when she’s bitten in the past (months ago!) and they said they’ve never seen any lashing out behaviour from her, she’s good as gold so that’s why it feels baffling. I know I’m her safe space though and she lets all these big feelings out to me.

@shan1995xI didn’t mean DD had to be “sent away” to nursery but I do think help and advice from others who know her and see her regularly is often a good idea. It’s also hard being a mum and dealing with this alone. You need time off too and that’s perfectly legitimate. We do not have to tied to DC 24/7. It does us good to have time away!

I am glad nursery find her ok. So this behaviour is reserved for you. Getting to the bottom of what triggers it would undoubtedly be useful but I’d probably be very clear that if a toy is thrown, she doesn’t get to play with it. Does she have any remorse after biting or throwing her belongings? Does she see it’s wrong? Can she engage with that level of conversation? I don’t think many 2 year olds can express their feelings to explain why they are angry and explode. However I’d not be offering a cuddle until she calms down. Try and maintain a space where she cannot hurt herself.

I think many dc improve when they can articulate feelings. Until then you are virtually guessing what’s wrong. So tiredness, frustration, inability to play alone, attention seeking and various other issues result in behaviour that’s out of character. I do hope everything improves and look after yourself.