3 year old suddenly hates me??

[JoeP203]

Hi all I’m hoping you guys can help me as this has been a very disheartening stage for me as a father. Suddenly, my son has started to be extremely hostile towards me and say hurtful things towards me. I have actively been in my son‘s life since birth, but have split from his mother and share 50-50 with his mom ..After we originally broke up, his mother spent a lot of time doing a lot of other things which left me with him for six days in a row at a time, but since a new job came up, I have been seeing him less, which means I usually get him for two sleepovers a week and one or two days during the week for a couple hours before she picks them up before bed I don’t know if that has contributed to it, but I also am the more disciplinarian and am the more aware about safety things so I’m wondering if any of this has to do with it since his mom is more aloof about those things. For example, if I FaceTime him, he will now answer the phone and say shut your mouth. He’s 3 1/2 years old the other day we were coloring Easter eggs and I said oh yay we colored Easter eggs for daddy‘s house we’re gonna keep these and he said this is not my house. My house is mommy‘s house. This is your house. This is a three year-old again so where would this all be coming from? It’s been actively going on for three or four weeks now and it feels like it’s getting worse to the point where I can’t even go pick him up from his mom’s without him vehemently denying my existence, screaming and crying, not wanting to go with Me. Help what can I do? PS his mother and I have a very cordial parenting relationship and I do not believe she’s pumping any ideas into his head. The only thing I can think of if she has a six-year-old from a previous relationship that can possibly be the culprit, but again a lot of people say this is a stage so

don’t worry. they feel safe with you when they can get angry and say nasty things to you. my little one regularly gets upset when their father isn’t there ( we aren’t separated - both share childcare etc - ie - no obvious inciting situation for similar behaviours ) tells me they don’t like me and only like daddy. i get a thump and pinched as well. but they do exactly the reverse to my husband and he gets the same behaviour . i say “ yes i know you like Daddy. I love Daddy too. I miss daddy very much when he is not here— do you miss Daddy ? sometimes we feel sad that daddy isn’t here don’t we. shall we think about what you and Daddy will do that is fun when he is back ? etc etc “ validating their emotion and talking it through. they need to get these feelings out. don’t feel it is a personal rejection ! you sound like a lovely dad. it is a phase. continue to be consistent in parenting and take it as a compliment that he feels so safe with you that he can get mad etc !

Thank you so much for your advice. I like to tell myself that too, that he’s safe with me and is using his me as a punching bag bc he feels secure. I’m losing sleep and crying tears spending hours reading posts and forums hoping for some answers, like you said it’s probably a phase. It just seems a switch flipped overnight. I think his mom not being your typical mother has made him cling to her since she’s so all over. It’s just, I’ve spent 5x the 1on1 time with him than her so when I see people say “spend more time” , it doesn’t relate to my situation. I was home with him at 2 months old, she went back to work. When he’s at my house, it’s just me and him, I’m the everything. Been that way since day 1. I love this boy so much that I just have a hard time understanding where it went wrong. Thank you again. I will apply what you said!

I replied but didn’t quote you as I am new to this site! Thank you again for your reply <3

In my experience, little kids go through favourites, and it feels horrible when it ain't your turn.

Is it possible to have an open and honest chat with your ex about what has brought it on and whether hes upset by your new work pattern?

please don’t worry. i am glad you feel a bit better after my thoughts. i agree with the previous comment - please think about talking to your ex about it. we have to learn to hold their big emotions and allow them to have them while remaining calm ourselves - and crucially not taking things personally. they don’t really understand that we have feelings until they are older ! they need the security of knowing that you are a firm , stable foundation that they can bounce off. of course you shouldn’t accept bad behaviour. i would highly recommend you and your ex use the same phrase and techniques if he hits you , so that even in different houses you say the same things “Stop hitting. Gentle hands only” or something that works. and agree what happens if he doesn’t stop in our case we put little one in his play room with gate closed and door open so we can see him but we aren’t engaging with him directly so he can calm down. 2 years old for 2 minutes / 3 for 3. then we go and pick him and up say “daddy put you in there as we asked you to stop hitting and you didn’t. we don’t hit in this house. we use gentle hands in this house . shall we have a cuddle and go and play/ eat more of our dinner /etc”. remaining calm
and gentle with him - repeat calmly when needed and they start to calm down and understand. it needs consistent work and calmness and stamina. you’ll be great once you get going !

ask your ex to do the same thing when he saws something not nice to you on the phone - “we use kind words in this house” so she models to him being nice and kind to you as well

It’s completely normal at that age. Don’t worry about it, but do pull him up
on it and tell him about kind words etc.

I don't have advice or any experience of co-parenting but I will say that I have a 3.5 yr old and he is going through a tricky cheeky stage at the moment. Testing boundaries, saying things basically to check the reaction. Also being very attention seeking with his negative behaviour - but that's because we have a 5 month old too so I think there's some insecurity around that and still adjusting. We have a 6yo and my 3 yr old has unfortunately learned language from the older child that the older child didn't even know at the age of 3. For example 3yo will get annoyed and say things like "you're so STUPID mummy!". When my 6yo was 3, 'stupid' wasn't even a word they knew! But now they know it and use it and the 3 year old has learned it from them. I do think that's inevitable amongst siblings sadly.

I think just keep showing love and affection but maintain those important boundaries consistently and ride it out!