Worried about son

[ChickenCatMum]

I have a four year old son (turned four at the end of last year) and a baby. I’m having what feel like huge issues with the behaviour of my son, and I don’t know what’s normal or how to resolve them.

My son goes to a forest school nursery twice a week. The other days of the week he is looked after by me and my husband or his grandparents, with whom he has an amazing relationship.

He is very bright and extremely articulate. He can express himself very clearly. He is generally very loving and sweet natured. He is so kind and loving towards the baby.

Our issues are as follows:

• there have been a string of incidents at his nursery of him showing physical aggression (hitting, kicking, pushing, biting) towards other children and occasionally staff members. Some of these have been quite serious. When asked about these incidents afterwards he is always able to ‘explain’ that the child did something he didn’t like and therefore he had to hit them. We have discussed this with him SO many times and played endless role play games modelling what to do when a child does something you don’t like, we have read books like ‘What to do when you feel like hitting’, we have modelled conflict resolution, we have discussed strategies he can use. When we do these things he gets the concepts perfectly and can demonstrate them to us, but when he is in the moment and is upset at another child, he isn’t using them. He doesn’t really display empathy to the child he has hurt, and seems to think his behaviour is justified if the other child has done something he doesn’t like (like taking a toy from him or cutting in line, but sometimes also completely benign things like being in an area of nursery he wants to be in alone).

• when we set a boundary he doesn’t like at home, he often reacts aggressively, often by throwing something, or by head butting or similar. He will often shout at us that we’re bad parents, that we aren’t being kind etc. These outbursts are short lived but explosive.

• he is unbelievably hard on himself when he makes mistakes, and reacts explosively when things go ‘wrong’. For instance if he’s playing with Lego and something comes apart he will often scream, throw the Lego and then run away saying he’s never ever playing Lego again, that he hates lego, that nobody is to ever buy him Lego again etc. I have modelled making mistakes and it not being a big deal until I’m blue in the face but it doesn’t seem to help. He’s the same if he’s colouring and goes outside the lines, or if he misplaces a sticker in a sticker book. He says he’s terrible at it, that he’s done a horrible job, that it looks awful etc. We very consciously praise effort over result, talk about how making mistakes is good because it’s how we learn, talk about how we don’t need to be perfect at something to enjoy doing it etc. and he can discuss these concepts very clearly when he’s calm. In the moment when he’s frustrated, however, it all goes out the window.

I guess my questions are:

1. is this normal for four? He was the sweetest, sunniest, easiest child up until he turned three (which is also the time he started nursery) but these issues seem to be getting worse not better. It’s not down to the new baby (at least not exclusively) because it’s been going on since long before she was born, and he is so gentle and sweet with her.

2. should we consider a different nursery? The incidents of aggression are getting worse and more frequent and I worry that because of the forest setting he isn’t getting adequate supervision. Several of the incidents are things that I think an adult should have intervened in much sooner, to prevent injury and to model to the children how to resolve conflict in the moment. They report these incidents to us but haven’t shared with us any strategies they are using to help him with his behaviour and to protect him and the other kids. They vaguely reassure us that it’s normal behaviour and that they’ve talked about feelings, but they don’t have any kind of plan for managing his behaviour.

3. what strategies should I use to try and help him curb this behaviour? I’m frantic that he is becoming more aggressive and more unhappy and I don’t know how to help him with this. When he is with us and he lashes out we can hold firm boundaries and de-escalate, but it doesn’t seem to be having any effect on his behaviour away from us, or decreasing the number of incidents.

Hi OP, my DS2 went through a hitting / pushing phase (although he was a bit younger at the time) and I really feel for you because I found it SO stressful and tried so hard to stop it and nothing seemed to work, until quite suddenly he just stopped. He also got very upset when his Lego model came apart or similar, and this behaviour lasted a lot longer.

Personally I think that he's still a bit young for lots of talking and explaining after the event. I think a quick clear consequence (eg "naughty step" or similar) works better at this age.

From what you've said, I would consider moving nursery. It sounds like he needs more supervision and structure than he's getting at the moment.

Good luck OP. My DS2 is now a kind gentle teenager.

Thank you so much for the reply. It’s nice to hear that your son came through it!

I think you are doing too much talk and I am not surprised he forgets 'in the moment'. He needs to learn 'safe hands' and know there will be a consequence if he hits or bites. Jealousy about the baby may well be the root of this behaviour so reward him with your attention when he does the right thing.

That sounds incredibly stressful and worrying, and it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling frantic. It’s tricky to say what’s ‘normal’ with kids developing at their own pace, but the intensity and frequency of the aggression and reactions do warrant a closer look. Have you considered observing him at nursery? Speaking to other parents about their experiences could also be helpful. If you have the means, a child therapist could help with managing these situations. And lastly, I think changing the environment, as in moving nursery might help as well..

How old is the baby and was he like this before they arrived? We had a bit of a rocky transition when DC2 arrived but it calmed down after about a month, the first two weeks were really rocky though. DC1 reverted to how they’d been before, which is pretty chilled.

Personally I wouldn’t move nurseries at this stage unless you have real concerns with how they’re handling things. It sounds as though he’s had change recently with the baby arriving. Will he be going to school in September too?

I would ask to speak to the Nursery Manager and see what strategies they are using. He’s a bit too young probably for Zones of Regulstion but they will have other strategies available, or should.

They could also ask their SENCO to observe him.

Doing thing to help self regulation might also help.

Is he just 4 or nearer 4.5?

And have you done this simple progress checker? Let us know if it says he needs some support

Almost forgot! It does sound as though he might benefit from the techniques in
the Explosive Child.