I feel upset, worried and confused about my family situation. I know what I believe to be right, but I am not a mother so perhaps I’m not assessing the situation correctly.
My brother and SIL have 2 boys. One is 27 years old and lives in England with his girlfriend. They had a baby a couple of months ago.
The other boy is 18 and will finish high-school in June this year in our home country. He will need to pass A-level equivalent exams.
My brother and sister in law have always been neglectful parents. As a result, both boys have been problematic. The 18 years old skips school, doesn’t listen, drinks and smokes, etc. Drinking and smoking was learned from his parents so it’s not seen as an issue!
My brother works abroad and goes home a few months a year. My SIL has moved to England a few weeks ago to look after her grandchild, so that his eldest son’s gf could find a job. The baby was one month old at the time.
The 18 years old son was left on his own in our home country. We have no other relatives there.
I have desperately tried to convince my SIL not to leave her 18 years old on his own, especially with exams coming up. I was told that he’s unlikely to attend the exams even if she was back home. I explained that if he is left on his own he could get himself in some real trouble (e.g with the law). I asked her to stay with him until he finishes high-school, after which he can go abroad to work with his father (or can look for work somewhere else in our country).
I do not understand her choice. She is willing to ‘abandon’ her 18 years old in order to look after her grandchild, who has 2 parents! Surely she could have stayed back home for 4 more months until her younger son finished high school?
I am concerned about my nephew. Perhaps I am more ‘forgiving’ towards his bad behaviour than his parents are, because I blame them for his poor upbringing. My brother and sister in law are united in blaming the child, they say that it’s time for him to grow up,he is an adult now, etc etc. They sent him money for food but he bought a laptop instead. They are furious and thinks he should learn his lesson and starve, whereas I see this as evidence that he is not capable of being on his own. I guess my sister in law feels that her oldest child also needs her?
They are upset with me for ‘interfering’ and my oldest nephew is also upset that ‘nobody’ worried about him when he went abroad at 18 (although he forgot that he was not alone, but with my brother) but ‘everybody’ now worries about his brother. He sees this as me choosing his brother over him.
What would you choose if you were in my SIL’s situation?