I'm a lone parent currently living with family and I have a toddler who is in paid childcare the majority of the week. The 2 days my mum looks after him plus one evening that I have to work late she'll collect him from nursery and do dinner and bed. Ex is not involved and his family live too far away to help.
My hours in work change all the time and I agree set times with my parents to watch ds so they can plan around it and i give them as much notice as i can. I rarely ask them to watch him at the weekends or other evenings unless there's a good reason like because I have to work. I never ever go out to socialise or have any time to myself. This week I am working more than usual and had asked my sibling to step in and cover the additional childcare I needed - my mum then went and told my sibling not to bother and took it upon herself to do it without mentioning it to me. I hate asking her for extra because I know she really begrudges helping in the first place but she likes to tell her friends how involved she is. I'm also aware that because I live with her she could easily end up becoming a default parent and being taken for granted if I don't keep that boundary as tight as I do.
Yesterday I was unwell (have been struggling with the flu the last few days and just hit a wall) and asked if she would mind watching ds for an extra hour and a half before I had to go to work so I could rest as my job is physically demanding and i couldn't afford to phone in sick. My mum made a face in response and I said if it doesn't suit you that's totally fine you don't have to do it if you're busy or wanting time for yourself, you just need to say that and it'll be no problem. She said no I'll watch him.
She then spent the rest of the day visibly huffing and sulking and bitching to other family members about me and how I'd ruined her entire day (she was going to be at home anyway) and worst of all she was being short with ds, ignoring him and refusing to speak to me or him.
I've repeatedly suggested I put ds in full time childcare which she gets annoyed at and refuses, I offered to pay her for the childcare she provides which she refused (i try to repay her through nice gifts like beauty treatments or spa days) , I try to ask for as little as possible on top of what she's already doing and I've told her in the past that she needs to communicate with me if she doesn't want to do something as this passive aggressive attitude happens all the time. I never ask her to even watch ds while i use the toilet i just bring him with me and at the weekend i make sure we're out of their hair from morning to night. She does some childcare for my sister and is never done complaining about it behind my sisters back and now she's doing the same to me.
I don't know how to get her to be more honest and just to say no when something doesn't suit her but in truth sometimes it feels like she does this on purpose to create a situation where she's the victim and can generate sympathy for herself. That's not new behaviour for her but I really really hate that ds is getting to an age where shortly he could pick up on it. I know she doesn't owe me childcare and I know she's already doing a lot and I appreciate it - but at the same time I feel kind of sad that she's so begrudging of spending time with her grandkids. I'm in the process of trying to get a mortgage so I can't really take on extra childcare costs at the moment until I have that secured and I just hate feeling so dependent on someone who helps but then throws it back in your face. Not even sure what I'm looking for from this probably more a rant than anything!