To not put child in nursery/childcare until 3

[Chattycatt]

I’m in the fortunate position to not have to return to work when my maternity leave ends. I’m an older mum and built my career, it will be tight but totally doable. My question is, is it actually the best thing for my child? Will she miss out on activities or development skills if she doesn’t go to nursery until she’s 2.5/3 years? I don’t have any other kids and probably won’t but everyone I know has put the child in nursery at 9 months and returned to work

I'm same as a couple of posters above - mine went to nursery a few days a week from 13months and it has been amazing for him.

It probably helps that the nursery is brilliant, nurturing, safe, low staff turnover, lots of older experienced qualified staff and a really nice culture - they do lots of outdoor forest school things and enrichment.

I can honestly say he has come on so much in his development compared to (I imagine) what I could have offered him at home full time. I am also definitely a better parent after having a "break" going to work and doing something different.

As others have said I think it really depends ok the nursery itself, the child's personality and needs, and the parent too.

My daughter started the September before she turned 3. We paid for her to attend 2 1/2 days a week in readiness for her receiving her free 15 hours. She loved it. The preschool were very nurturing and she was ready for it. Despite me doing messy play, taking her to groups, cooking with her, crafts with her she really needed more time with children.

Seriously OP, do you think children were developmentally delayed and unstimulated before nurseries were invented. imagine how shit we were as a species until a 100 years ago or so when they were basically designed so that we could ensure every person was out making money for someone.

It makes fuck all difference to your child and they will be fine either way. People who insist that children need childcare are usually trying to convince themselves IMO. They should just own it, you need time. Men don't make excuses for putting their children in childcare, they assume it's fine for them to have other things to do. Women get guilted for it so nursery becomes an essential for the child's development.

If you want your baby at home, keep it at home. If after a year you realize you need stimulation, then send the baby to nursery. Do what works for you

DD started preschool at 3 and absolutely loved it straight away and in no way did I feel she'd missed out by not going to nursery prior to this. She's now nearly 4 and is thriving there but I have loved having those first years with her at home and with family. I also worried to start with about not sending her to nursery but it was the best thing for our family and we are now planning to follow the same route with DS, 16mo.

YANBU at all. They get more from one to one care, as long as you socialise them by taking to playgroups, activity classes etc.

And just to point out, even this is not strictly true. It's a very western/modern look at raising children. Humans have been raising children in small villages and in farms and as nomads since we've existed. No child needs Rhyme Time or Baby Massage. It's for you, to keep you speaking to other parents. To keep you from going crazy. Which you do need, however you manage it. Your child really just needs you, outside access and as much family and family friends as you can offer them

We did this for all three of ours, our last child had significant disabilities so we used portage care at home from 2.5-3.5 until a specialist nursery place was arranged. His older siblings loved being home, we could adapt our days, be as busy as possible and hunker down if necessary, I had local mums around that were childminders so we would do lots of groups and activities along side friends, lots of variety.

The transition to reception class at formal school was a non issue, they were very confident pupils, advanced readers and very social.

Both of mine started nursery around 1 year old but if I'd had the option to stay home with them until age 3 I would've done that. DC2's nursery is amazing and like a home from home, but I only send him there because I have to work and have no choice. There are plenty of play groups etc for socialising with other kids so wouldn't worry about that.

The reason you need to take them to groups is precisely because in the past they would have been surrounded by other children, siblings, cousins, friends - and adults, grandparents, aunts, uncles. The modern (western) world can be very isolating. People don't live with/ near their families or in villages, communities etc. That's why you need the groups - not so your child will become a Rhyme Time gold medallist!

Neither of mine went until the term after their third birthday (which research supports as being the optimum age for benefits to the child). They did 3 hours every morning (8.30-11.30am) at the Nursery attached to their school.

Prior to that, they were at home with me. I took them to local groups, soft play, swimming, etc. I supported their play and development through varied activities both inside and outside in our garden, based around their dietary and nap routines.

Both met all their milestones at their 2 year check, and their Nursery staff commented on how advanced their self-care and speaking skills were when they started.

Both settled very easily and quickly starting Nursery over 3, their immune systems are more developed by then, so they didn’t get ill much and they both made lots of friends who they then went up to school with. The staff were wonderful, and it’s been a hugely positive experience.

They definitely thrived with me at home, and I have never regretted waiting until they were over 3 to start. No harm in waiting at all if you have the option (in fact, it can be very beneficial).

Good luck! 😊

We placed ours in nursery at 3 and it worked out very well.

We didn’t need to but they were ready to meet other children.

I had a nanny for both my kids until they started nursery the term after they turned 3. My April born one had 3 terms at nursery and my November born will have had 5 (she definitely lucked out - autumn borns are at such an advantage).

They both settled really well, got lots out of preschool, but I believe it was much nicer for them plus infinitely more convenient for me to have them cared for at home before then. As a bonus they got sick way less than their peers at nursery. The nanny did lots of fun activities and baby groups with them, so they did have lots of opportunities to mix with other toddlers before they started nursery.

Personally I have always found that both me and my DC have benefitted from me working part time and them going to part time childcare from around 12m old. I have had some periods at home but always eventually gone back. We have always used childminders because I like that they go on trips out but I am also very fussy and only choose excellent childminders lol.

If you want to be a SAHM and not use childcare then go for it. There’s no right or wrong. A couple of cautions though, from my own and friends/relatives experiences:

make sure you still regularly leave them with other people. Two of my SAHM friends didn’t do this, no local grandparents etc and DHs who work really long hours so child was effectively with mum almost 24/7. They both really struggled with getting used to being left with other people at age 3+

make sure they still have the opportunity to develop independent play skills. I think nurseries and childminders are really good for this because the ratios aren’t 1:1, they’re 3;1 so children start to get used to not being entertained constantly. I think sometimes as a SAHP it can be tempting to always be playing with them and then run round like a headless chicken during nap times and evenings to get everything done, and then they get very used to being entertained. My eldest was like this, she ended up very whingey and I was exhausted! Our days started to work better when we had a rhythm of - morning outing with snack - home for lunch - nap (max. half hour of jobs for you and then take the chance to rest a bit) - afternoon quiet play while you tidy up or sort washing etc - activity or garden play or little local walk - dinner - bedtime routine.

You are spot on about several things here:

I agree that it is hugely important to ensure your children are used to being cared for by somebody else. As a SAHM for me this is my Mum, I carefully planned for mine to get used to her looking after them and sleeping over at her house as babies onwards. This helped no end when I was giving birth to my second, as my DS was very happy with my Mum. Also, I was unexpectedly hospitalised with a kidney infection, and both were absolutely fine with my DH and Mum for a week without me.

I also couldn’t agree more about ensuring they are able to play independently. It is so good for their imagination, and they are definitely then less whiny 😂 I started as I meant to go on with toys in a play pen for set amounts of time, then (once they were more secure with walking/not putting things in their mouth) as you outlined I planned in parts of our day where they were expected to play more freely whilst I purposely did not entertain and got on with something else. It’s very important, great advice for the OP 😊

They don’t need nursery and peer interactions until they’re 3. Best place is with their mother.

Is this a joke post? All kids with SAHM don’t know how to take turns? My gosh.

My kids didn't go until they were 2 and 2.5 and they were fine ! Lots of playgroups going to the park etc and they get enough interaction at that age. The only problems I've noticed socially other kids have had is when they have stayed at home with a parent the whole time until school and the parent didn't take them out to places with other children very often. Enjoy your time together.

No, they don't need to go to nursery until playgroups are good for them (and the parent, especially if they're feeling isolated). In terms of child development needs nine months is too early actually.

Former nursery worker here, I would never put my baby in a nursery unless I had no choice. 2/3 year old is fine as they will get more out of nursery life, but young babies in nurseries broke my heart. They just want their Mums.

And how do you know the specific children who went to nursery and those who didn't? Did you go around asking all the parents did you?

I found my child made friendships at playgroups as the same children tended to go each week.

There are pros and cons to nursery/childcare, just as there are pros and cons to not going to nursery/childcare.

Would it help to talk through your own thoughts on your own situation? Have you had a chance to weigh up the long-term effects on your career and the consequences of those effects, to consider which option feels better for your own mental health as well as for your baby's overall wellbeing?

If it's any reassurance, when my DC and their best friend play together, I'm pretty sure nobody can tell which one of them went to childcare from 9 months and which one didn't.

Will you enjoy being home with her until 2.5/3 and enjoy it so much that it will be fun and enriching for her?

I think childhood development is so much more about good parenting and a happy family life (e.g parents who happily co-parent together) than about whether they go to childcare or not.

Both of mine went from 9 and 11 months, respectively, because I needed but also wanted to go back to work. For them, I think it was great (they’re in secondary and primary school now). But it was great because it allowed me to be fully present when I was with them, usually 1-2 days during the week plus weekends. I loved my work and I didn’t enjoy 7 days a week of full on parenting with minimal breaks. Having 3-4 days a week when I could do other things meant I was refreshed and fully switched on the days I was home. I think that worked really well for us.

But you know yourself best. If work is soul destroying and you can’t bear to think of going back, and you’re excited by the prospect of being a SAHP to a toddler, then I think being home is the right choice. If it fills you with dread, but you’re just anxious about nursery, it’s probably not. Your child will be totally fine either way.

Starting at 3 has been the best thing for my oldest. He only does 2 mornings a week so far and now the weather is nicer I’m outdoors with him and his little sibling all the time at farms/flower picking/outdoor playgroups and playing in the garden. I figured they’ve got so many years of being in a classroom ahead that they’ll benefit from having a lot of outdoor play for now. His teacher has commented that she can tell we do a lot with him outside of school and considering he’s never been in childcare before now he’s become so sociable and is really thriving! He needed me a lot until he was about 2/2.5 so 3 was the age he was really ready for some independence.

I did meet other mums on Peanut who had children the same ages and that really helped him be around other children along with NCT mums and going to adhoc playgroups/mid week toddler events.

My parents were older and I didn't go to the nursery just started school and had best childhood ever but was outside with lots of children from the neighborhood every day all day. Unfortunately, today's children do not have that option. Both my DS were in nursery from 13m because I had to go back to work, and it is early in my opinion. But, I do not agree that children only need socialization from age 3. Both of my DC started to show from around as young as 18M attachment and excitement re their nursery friends and teachers. The downside is obviously being exposed to so many viruses and sickness bugs from young age, so ideally for me would be nursery at 2Y. I am Def a better mum having my own space and time working, socializing etc. Honestly, can't imagine staying at home 3 yrs with any of my mischevious very active boys but that is just my experience.

I'm a sahm and my DCs both started nursery aged 2.5. For them it was the right age - waiting until age 3 would have been too long, and they were definitely ready to socialise more independently by that age. They were both toilet trained and speaking in sentences when they started - I wouldn't have wanted them to be in nursery until they were able to do that.

Before starting nursery, they were busy through the week with lots of classes and activities - high quality activities with lots of adult interaction and I always felt they gained a lot from them and weren't simply a place for parents to chat (I spent most of the time interacting with my dc than talking to other mums). We also visited lots of places like the zoo, farms, soft play, children's centres, parks, museums, NT properties etc. We were able to do activities that you wouldn't be able to do if they were in nursery all week, like swimming classes, gymnastics, ballet (with 1:1 adult support), puppet and theatre shows, big adventure playgrounds and soft plays where you need an adult spotting the child. I really enjoyed that time with them and didn't feel any urge to rush back to work, as I knew I'd have time for myself again once they started nursery.

They were both with me all the time (or with DH) until nursery age and I never needed to get them used to being looked after by another adult, and they settled into nursery with no problems and no tears. They were breastfed until past age 3 so they had great immune systems and were never off sick much, perhaps 1-2 days throughout the 2 years.