Feeling really lonely on maternity leave

[Flora0112]

Hello,
Just wondering if anyone else felt or feels like I do. My DD is 3 months old and I love her so much but maternity leave I feel so lonely and not what I thought it would be.
I go to baby classes and have been since she was 5 weeks old i go 4 times a week sp every day really and make an effort but everyone seems to already have their groups and clique. There's a lot of welsb language here and my DD will be brought up welsh speaking but I feel those mums already knew eachother and quite closed off to new people coming in.
I'm a really social person so really missing work and that side of life even though I'm going to all these classes. I'm finding babies are a lot older in classes or parents on their 2nd baby so have established groups.
It's come go a head and I've been upset as I did make a friend she was friend of a friend and we went for a walk yesterday and she told me she won't be coming to our baby group anymore cause she's decided to do a different group with her NCT friends and is busy most days with them now so won't really see her but she thanked me for getting through her first 5 weeks. I didn't do NCT but feel like everyone else has and has all these friends. All I've done today is cry because was hurt from yesterday and yestefday I see all these groups mums walking round the parks together. My husband goes out every wed night to play foot all and is out some weekends drinking with friends his life hasn't changed. I've gone from work where I had close friends who do text and I do see but I had hoped for some mum friends and see on Instagram goung for walks, coffee, brunch etc. I've signed up for another class after Easter so will be 5 days a week. I've messaged some people from groups see if want to meet up and get no response. All I feel I do is 24/7 with my amazing daughter but no social interaction.
Maybe it's me 🤣🤣 but just needed to vent cause my husband doesn't get it he just says to keep doing more groups. Having one of those days today and doesn't help just don't feel my old self, clothes don't fit right my bodies changed I haven't had a haircut in a year, can't afford makeup on mat pay etc etc. Just needed to get this out and vent and any more tips 😅😅

I totally get it OP, please be gentle with yourself you are only 3 months postpartum it’s 100% normal not to fit in old clothes and feel lonely! I would look at switching groups if you can to try and meet some new people. Try and find a baby massage class or something that has a certain start date so the likelihood is no one will know each other and you all start on the same foot. I think there’s an app too - maybe peanut? You could try. And if you haven’t, join your local mum fb page or children’s centre page if there is one. And if your husband is getting baby free time make sure you’re getting some too, seeing old friends etc. things will get easier x

I never did NCT either but if you’ve got a branch locally it might be worth a look on the website at least and find out if there are any volunteering opportunities. I don’t know much about it but when dd was a baby I did meet a mum who volunteered for them and seemed content with that.

Hi Op, I really couldn’t just scroll on and not reply. This was me last year (my daughter is 16 months now). I did NCT but didn’t click with any of the other mums and then moved out of the area when my DD was 9 months old. I felt so lonely and parts of it were really tough as I had a very social job with lots of meetings and chatting. I did lots of baby groups but what really helped me was making sure I did a special day just us two every week and something not just for mums. Sometimes it was just going to a national trust or a free art gallery, or just pizza express in the nearest town. It really helped me get out of the mum bubble and enjoy my mat leave.

also it definitely gets easier as they get a little older and start moving around as they’ll interact a little with the other babies. Also at the baby classes, I would try and choose a mum who was on their own and had a baby a similar age to my DD. I sat next to them every single week and asked them for a coffee after a few weeks. It’s not always successful but I managed to make one friend that way when my DD was about 10 months old.

finally try not to put too much pressure on yourself to have a perfect mat leave. Take each day as it comes and it will get easier!

Two things that helped me- the Peanut app, like tinder but for mums, met lots of people here. Also have a look if there is a mum club near you - they host mum and baby brunches - fabulous, good luck

Hi, I've not got any real advice but I wanted to say I'm sorry you're feeling lonely and that I totally understand. I go to baby classes and struggle to make friends (I'm quite shy) and I also feel as though a lot of people there have gone in an established group. On occasion I've even been asked to move along to a different spot because someone was saving a spot for their friend!

I'm sorry the friend you made has decided to stop that baby class. It's completely understandable that that would be so upsetting! I know it's easy to say and probably doesn't feel any better, but you will make another, but it might take time. I remind myself that making friends is not quick, and if you see/chat to people for only one hour a week (much of which is probably structured play/songs with your baby) that's actually not a long time to build friendships, and it's worth persisting.

I think it can help to look out for new comers, especially at the start of a new term eg after Easter, and sit with them. New comers often also have younger babies. Or look out for other people who are on their own. And if you sit with someone one week and don't click, make sure to sit with someone else next week.

Might be worth trying a casual invite straight after class - do you fancy getting a cup of coffee? Sort of thing - rather than a more formal arrangement by text? And if someone says no because they are busy, assume they are being truthful, say maybe next week and then ask again.

Apologies for what ended up being a very long ramble. I feel like it's hard too, and you're not doing anything wrong!

Am on parental leave with 3rd and found it essential to get out of the house every day with a walking companion. You might be pleasantly surprised if you ‘advertised’ for a parent in a similar situation in local Facebook parent groups.

My babies are adults now but I remember the loneliness very well. We’d just moved to a new area, I knew no-one, my mum and sister lived 100s of miles away, none of my friends had babies, and they were all working during the day. I remember I used to drive to a shopping centre and walk round it just so I could see other people and say hello to the shop staff. Makes me quite sad thinking about it, even now. I wish the peanut app (and the internet and social media!) had been around then, it would have made it much easier to get to know other mums.

I tried the local mum and baby group but it was so cliquey, and despite my best efforts to talk to people I was often just sitting like Billy no mates. I found things like baby yoga, NCT and swimming classes helped a bit, and gradually I did get to know others. Having something on each day just to get out of the house helped. I also did some voluntary work while I was on mat leave, and took the baby with me.

Hang on in there, it does get easier the older they get, but I know exactly how you feel.

Totally agree with trying an app. I’m terrible at making friends, but I found a few people through apps and was introduced to other people through them. I see you go to baby classes. Have you tried parent and baby/toddler groups (a stay and play, rather than a class). Do you have any children’s centres near you? They usually offer groups/classes. Have a look on Facebook and join groups for parents in the area to see what’s on.

Be kind to yourself. I remember how hard it was. It’s such a huge lifestyle change, having a baby. Keep getting out there! Is there Ann exercise class for mums with babies? That would help with you feeling a bit better about yourself. You will start to feel more like you soon enough.

Your husband is being a Wally. He may need this pointing out.

Meeting people wise -
find the playgroups rather than classes. They’re harder work initially but it’s where you get the chat.

Sorry you’re feeling lonely OP, it can be so difficult and quite isolating having a little one if you don’t have any close mum friends. There are some good suggestions already, I agree with the previous responses suggesting the peanut app too as you’ll meet other mums in similar situations. Also, keep in mind that those mums posting pictures of coffee, walks and brunches will have hard and lonely days too, they just aren’t sharing those on social media!

Peanut app xx

It definitely is tough tbh it’s so easy for people to assume you’ll make friends by joining groups - it’s not that easy!! It’s always hit and miss depending on who is there.

Make sure you’re getting time to yourself - your husband is still playing football and going out drinking some weekends - you should have time to do things you enjoy too and not just be a mum 24/7. And if you’re on mat leave pay but he’s still earning then he should be sharing that money with you (IMO it’s family money). You’re looking after his baby - never understand why mums say they can’t afford x and y when they’re on mat leave when their partners aren’t going without 🙄

If your DH can afford to go out drinking most weekends is there a reason that you can’t afford make-up and a haircut?

Thanks everyone! I think it's just so hard as everything has changed including yourself and more so for a woman.

In reply to some comments before maternity leave myself and my husband paid for everything 50/50 and then had own money tk do whatever we eant with since being on maternity leave and down to smp and half pay he has been paying more for the mortgage and bills which is hefty. I have a good salary but gping down to half pay and smp means after paying bills and i always buy DD nappies milk and wipes in bulk every month I dont have a lot left over and when my OH is already having to up money into joint account for bills etc and food shopping has become more expensive which usually I'd pay for and he does petrol I then can't ask him to pay £60 for a haircut cut. He would if I asked but he is already paying for a lot more and all bills like everyone have gone up considerably.

Probably like other mums finding time to myself is hard as when DD is napping in day time in the pram afger a 2 hour walk which is once a day otherwise she will only contact nap or were out walking I use that time to do washing, clean house and meal prep as my OH works in office an hour commute each way and isn't back till late. He will then look after her when he comes in whilst I put clothes away or have time to wash my hair.

I just find it lonely in the day time and was having a bad day and needed to vent. I dint have anyone I can message to talk mum stuff with etc. I've gone from being very social out a lot of weekends to feeling quite alone but she is worth it. I will try the peanut app like suggested and will try push my self more to get invited to go for walks or coffee

I hope you have success with the app and that you get to meet some other lovely mums 😊

Yes I hope the app works for you. How woukd you feel about talking to DH about how you’re struggling and woukd like a say to yourself and him pay for your hair?

I’m sorry you feel this way, I was terrified of going to the baby groups as I thought everyone would be younger than me. But in the end made friends at the local child centre at the under 1’s group and then a Baby Sensory group https://www.babysensory.com/Baby-Development-Classes you don’t even have to know anyone to enjoy yourself at these classes.
My midwive advised the stay and play groups were for older toddlers etc x