Looking for advice on separation anxiety with my 12-year-old (autistic and ADHD)
My daughter has had separation anxiety since she was little, and I believe it stems from a traumatic situation when she was very young. Her dad (we’re separated) threatened not to bring her back to me during court-ordered contact when she didn’t want to go. She was terrified, and although that time has passed years ago, the impact seems to have stayed with her.
She’s also autistic and has ADHD, which I know adds another layer to the situation. Because of the anxiety, I haven’t left her overnight in years. She’s had therapy, counselling, and lots of support, and she’s now okay with me going out for the day or even into the evening — sometimes until midnight — as long as I come home that night.
But she completely shuts down at the idea of me sleeping away. Im married now for the last 8 years and we tried on our anniversary to have one night away, and we had to come back in the night. Any time I bring it up, she becomes hysterical, cries, refuses to talk, or just says “no no no” and shuts down completely. I can’t even have a proper conversation with her about it. I can’t even bring it up. It’s been around 5 years since she saw her father and she has no contact with him.
I totally understand where her fear comes from, and I’ve been so patient with it, researching, supporting and finding help for her.. but I’m at the point where I need some space with my wife. Our relationship is really struggling, and we haven’t had a night to ourselves in years. I feel stuck between supporting my daughter and keeping my relationship afloat. Of course my child always comes first, but she’s 12 now and we have plenty of trusted adults who she loves and who love her.
She’s safe with the caregivers we have, and we’ve always been responsive and gentle — but I’m scared that pushing her to manage a night without me could break her or damage her mental health more.
or, do I need to break the cycle. I feel we will never get anywhere.
I don’t know what else to try, and I’d love to hear from anyone who’s been through something similar or has advice on how to take steps forward without traumatising her.