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Parenting

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Original poster

School run - does it get any better?

28 replies

InARut · 15/05/2008 16:27

Have been taking DD to school since last September, have been slowly chipping away at the cliques and getting to know a few people, albeit painfully slowly. I've had a few health problems lately, awaiting tests etc feeling tired and low, and I realised today that if I don't make the first move to talk to anyone in the playground no one bothers to come over to talk to me or look at me to say hello. Do things get better with time? Feel like I'm chipping away at an iceberg sometimes! Feeling a bit low and a hello from someone would have cheered me up a bit.

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Cezzy · 15/05/2008 16:47

Hi. The school run is hell until you get used to it if you don't know many people.

Does the school PTA run any activities afterwards occassionally? Ours sometimes do like Xmas crafts with coffee and cakes for parents. These are good to meet others. Otherwise find out DDs best friend in school and ask them round to play if you feel up to it. This can also break the ice with the friends parent.

My eldest has been in school for 3 years now and the youngest started in Sept. There will always be cliques who can be hostile but stick with it - there may be someone else feeling like you. Hope you feel better soon - running back and forwards to school is exhausting - the day is never long enough to do everything!

Mercy · 15/05/2008 16:51

Has your dd made any friends? With both of mine I tried to talk to their friends parents to start with.

TotalChaos · 15/05/2008 16:56

Sympathies. My big breakthrough was a new lady starting halfway through the term who was similarly desperate for a friendly chat with a parent. I am even toying with the idea of joining the blinkin PTA.

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sarah293 · 15/05/2008 17:01

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Fizzylemonade · 15/05/2008 17:45

Well you definitely don't stand in my school playgound because, honestly, I will speak to anyone and bore them with my life and Riven having a child in a wheelchair would not put me off.

I made some friends when ds1 started preschool by asking where people got their hair cut (always a winner to start with a compliment ) then I tried to talk to those mums who had kids in my class.

Even if it is something mundane like "does anyone know when the school fete is" or some question about the uniform, weather, program on tv, what jobs are people dashing off to do.

Best thing to do is make eye contact with someone to see if they are receptive and trust me I have had my fair share of blank vacant stares. Doesn't phase me though. For all they know I could be the most interesting person in the world (I'm not, but how are they to know???)

Find your DD's friends and speak to their Mums. I have said, and it was true, that "oh my son X talks about [insert name of child] all the time saying how much fun they have together" again it is a compliment.

Best of luck.

Original poster

InARut · 15/05/2008 18:02

thx everyone, unfortunately I have already done most of the suggestions, spoken to DD's friend's mums (DD seems to have picked the friends with the mums who are the hardest work!), asked pertinent questions, spoken to mums who are on their own in the playground. You can't say I haven't tried! Haven't helped out at the school but have been to parties, spoken to loads of mums, felt really good that I was making friendships only to find it's still me in the playground making all the running and they will quite happily ignore me (on a bad day like today) if I don't do all the running. If I feel OK I can ignore it but on days like today it mekes me feel really lonely.

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Original poster

InARut · 15/05/2008 18:06

Riven, i'ts terrible the way people are scared of those who are different from their own little narrow world. If you were in my playground I would speak to you too - On a good day I will speak to anyone willing to speak to me.

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sarah293 · 15/05/2008 20:13

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Quattrocento · 15/05/2008 20:18

You could try not worrying about this? Expunging it from your mind? I mean why is the school run thing relevant? Do you have to talk to them? Have you examined why you want to talk to them?

I spend my life smiling and running to avoid talking to the mums on the school run. I have no time, and even if I had, it's unlikely that I'd be interested.

Not being antisocial or unfriendly but just being over forty and not desperate to make a raft of new friends - i am not going to meet a soulmate at the schoolgate - and i don't want to get trapped into anything i have neither the time nor the inclination for.

Maybe some of the mums are like me?

Might it be an idea just to relax and stuff.

TotalChaos · 16/05/2008 09:09

Quattro - I take your point BUT school run friendships can feel important if

1)you are an SAHM, not going to as much if any toddler stuff, so these are the main people you get to speak to all day

2)you want to help your kids socialise with their school friends.

muggglewump · 16/05/2008 10:27

I just drop and leave, same with pick up. I sometimes go with my neighbour but if not I'm quite happy on my own.
I am a SAHM but I don't mind my own company and don't really want to get involved in the cliques and bitchiness that I've read about on here.
I live in a street where the kids can play out safely so I don't feel DD is missing out on having friends to play with and I'll still happily approach a Mum on occasion to invite a child home for tea.
I'd try not to worry about it too much Inarut, you've done all you can

oneplusone · 16/05/2008 14:50

I agree with quattro, i sometimes talk to other mums, sometimes not at all and sometimes no-one talks to me. But I don't take it personally or feel lonely, I have a few good friends outside school mums (actually i wouldn't say any of the school mums are friends) and maybe that's all I need.

I think age has a lot to do with it, I'm nearly 38 and have personally been through a lot worse than being ignored in the playground. Mums in general are busy, overworked, tired etc etc and i think that accounts for a lot of their 'anti-social' behaviour in the playground. My advice would be to not take it personally and try and make some friends outside school.

UnquietDad · 16/05/2008 14:52

Talk to the dads! They always feel left out.

Original poster

InARut · 16/05/2008 16:09

Some good points to think about, thx again

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sarah293 · 16/05/2008 16:21

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muggglewump · 16/05/2008 16:41

Have you tried one of the other sites Riven? I'm not sure if I'm allowed to say the name on here and although I've lurked about on it and don't like the forums at all, maybe the "meet a mum" bit could help?
Perhaps not with the school run but with making friends in your area?

sarah293 · 16/05/2008 16:46

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indignatio · 16/05/2008 16:56

In answer to the OP, yes, I think it does.

Last year I watched the shy reception kids come out of their shells a little at this time of year. At the same time I watched some of the shy mothers realise that they were going to be spending 20 mins every day (bar holidays) for the next 7 years with this same collection of people, and they too started coming out of their shells and tentatively smiling at other parents.

My only advice is to make sure you go out to the pub if you have a mums/carers get together. Without the distraction of toddlers, needing to be at Beavers/rainbows/gym etc and dealing with an end of the school day child - mums can be a bit more friendly.

Astrophe · 16/05/2008 17:07

Riven where abouts are you? You can be my friend (but only for 3 months as leaving the country!)

muggglewump · 16/05/2008 17:16

Oh that's a shame Riven. If you're anywhere near Glasgow then I'd happily meet up with you

sarah293 · 16/05/2008 17:26

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Original poster

InARut · 16/05/2008 19:49

that would be great Riven, if only life was that easy!

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Fizzylemonade · 17/05/2008 09:24

UnquietDad- I have talked to the Dads but then you are viewed as some predatory female (despite the fact that I had a 4 month old baby and a nervous preschooler, looked like hell and just needed an adult to talk to)

I will honestly talk to anyone, there are about 4 of us and we have even moved around the playground to stop our group being seen as "those Mums who stand on THAT spot" every day!

I talk to people as we wait for assembly to start.

I am a sham and we moved so although I did try to make friends I was lonely for about 18 months with the only adult conversation being with the checkout person at the supermarket

Ds1 then started preschool so I had a captive audience, they couldn't run away as they had to stay to drop off their children

InARut - your children go to a school where the Mums sound awful. Where do they get this "I am better than you" attitude from? You sound lovely. Are there any other Mums who seem to stand on their own looking like maybe they need conversation?

binkleandflip · 17/05/2008 09:31

I truly dont think there is any superior attitude tbh. Just different personalities, some forward, some not. Perhaps they think you are being uppity by not putting yourself forward for a chat?

The school run should not become the be all and end all of your social focus (even if it currently is). Dont place more importance on it than it warrants.

You might click with another parent or you may not but just because your children go to the same school does not mean you have anything else at all in common, nor should you try and pretend to.

In my experience, I have become friendly with other mums through our childrens parties etc

If I go in the playground and my friends arent about I wont try to speak to just anyone - that wouldnt feel genuine IYSWIM

alfiesbabe · 17/05/2008 09:48

I agree with Quattro. On the occasions I did the school run (which admittedly wasnt a huge amount due to work) I usually avoided the other mums!! Unfortunately, when mums make the school run the focus of their life, they tend to end up very cliquey and competitive. It can all get a bit silly - some of these mums just don't have enough going on in their life and it shows. I used to know one mum who turned up at school in her 4x4 THREE QUARTERS OF AN HOUR before the end of the school day just so she could get 'pole position' in the parking spaces, and then she'd sit reading a magazine until her little darlings came out!! Life's too short!!
I also agree that the school run is probably not the place to meet your life long friends. There are plenty of other places where you're more likely to get chatting to people you have things in common with.

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