Do I need to worry?

[PennyPolo]

Hello, I'm looking for reassurance or guidance on grandparents and looking after my toddler. My in laws have our DD (nearly 2) once a week for a few hours. It's not necessarily for childcare more because they want to spend time with her which is lovely.

I do not doubt they love her and she loves them. But their approach to parenting is very different to mine. For example MiL believes in crying it out, I don't. I believe in letting DD express how she's feeling, riding the tantrum waves with her and supporting her where I can (as much as is feasible). MiL says things like no crying, crying is not nice and if my DD gets upset because she wants MiL to do something that she can't or doesn't want to do and DD gets upset ( because she's not yet two and learning) MiL will turn away from her and ignore her. Also she can be unnecessarily stern at times. For example progressively louder and stronger toned voice saying 'be careful!' when she's just playing/practicing pouring water from one cup to another. Yes it messy but I don't care she's playing and practicing and it's my house I don't care about a little water on the floor. I care about her enjoyment.

Now when my DD is older to me these sorts of differences I'll be able to explain to DD and explain why some people do what they do and how that makes her feel and what she can do about it etc. I don't want to cuddle her I want to help her become resilient. But right now I can't explain these things to her, she wouldn't understand. And I know that 0-3 years are very important in a child's mental development so

So do I need to worry and have a chat with MiL to ask her to try and soften her tone and in a more diplomatic way say do not tell my DD to not cry because she's a child behaving like a child and don't expect her to behave otherwise and how would you like it if someone invalidated your feelings when you were upset or ignored you when you wanted or needed them. OR it's only 3 hours a week, I work on her emotional regulation and trying to teach her how to work through tantrums and feelings and the MiLs actions are more likely to impact her relationship with DD but not affect DD herself. MiL even says DD is a granddad's girl which would suggest my DD is showing favouring FiL already.

Personally I wouldn’t let them look after DD without me being there.

Is she happy with them? Does she go to them happily and not cling to you? If she's happy id take the child care! My grandmother like that and my mother more like you. I have a great relationship with my grandmother (still alive).. I just ignore her bossy tone!! She was brought up in a different era....some of her parenting ways are better in reality than my mother's were. We all survived and I'm so very grateful to have had a close relationship with her. She's very old now and I'll be so sad when she's gone but feel so lucky to have had her in my life for so long...very strict and critical but so many good things about her too. It's also good for your child to learn that not everyone is the same.

I wouldn't want a 2yo pouring water everywhere unless it was outside.

MIL sounds fine. It'll do your DD good to realise the world doesn't revolve around her wants.

You sound like a lovely mum. But I think it's so important for kids to grow up around different people and get used to different boundaries. It's completely healthy for them to encounter people who are different and require different dynamics.
It will make life much easier for them in the future.

I'd suck it up for a couple of hours a week, your little girl will probably soon realise that she can't get away with certain things when Granny is there. Which is fine. My kids have one really strict Grandmother and one who would happily let them flood the living room if they were having fun! They act accordingly at each house, it's quite interesting to see.

To clarify it was in my house..
And she doesn't think the world revolves around her. She's going through a development stage of learning independence, autonomy and influence which is a normal developmental stage. An explanation of no I can't right know and acknowledging that can be frustrating I feel is better than simply ignoring her. That just teaches her passive aggression