Dealing with 3yo demands

[Blueowlnight]

I posted recently about how difficult I was finding life with my 3yo. I realised today what it is that is so hard, the constant (and I mean constant) demands.

Every minute is filled with demands of “do this, watch me, play this, read that, I don’t want this, make it that way” etc. Today it reached the point that she was demanding I read her book, whilst I was reading her the book (I paused for a second to put the 11mo on the floor).

I try to give her my undivided attention when I’m playing with her, leave my phone in another room etc. when I’m at home with the both of them I do have to tend to both needs, but me and my partner do divide and conquer a lot so she has 1:1 time with each of us (although admittedly he has her more than me because of 11mo breastfeeding). I make sure we do play her games every day and I also give her reasons when we’re not playing them and stick to my guns. We take her out for child-centric activity, we set up the house so she has activity at easy reach (I’m not as good as setting up novel activity for her). We read multiple books every day. We include her in our chores or say “I need to cook, you can help me or play on your own” etc.

When we play, I end up playing how she wants “no mummy; you have to say this, no say it like that, now you pretend to cry” etc etc

But it is constant. Examples include, she gets down from the dinner table and immediately asks me to play, I say no I’m
still eating, she goes on to ask and whine maybe 4-5 times during that period. It’s this, alllllll day.

Im exhausted and I don’t know what to do. I suspect it’s part temperament because even as a baby she wouldn’t be put down, and then as the first we had the capacity to respond to have probably made it worse. I also worry about whether im
doing it right, am I not giving her enough?! Should I be playing more? Is the demands because she’s not getting enough attention or because we’re giving in and giving her too much?! I’m in such a muddle and so so exhausted from it.

any kind advice would be so helpful

Forgot to add, she does have childcare 30 hours a week. A mix of childminder and preschool

Boundaries. Children don’t build resilience from us saying, yes, yes, yes all the time. Next time, say, actually mummy wants to play like this, but you can play like that. She may throw herself to the floor for 20 minutes, but that’s okay. You wait and when she’s done, you ask if she wants to carry on playing. She’ll be learning that other people aren’t just there to fulfill her wishes and that she needs to compromise and be flexible. You probably don’t need to give her more attention, you probably need to give her less. Make her wait politely for things. Say no we can’t do that right now. Sorry, mummy, has to do this thing, send this email, then I can get you a drink.

One of mine is quite intense and high needs as well, it was really just being quite firm about boundaries. I’d make her wait even if I didn’t need to. Is she in nursery? That’s also very good for them. They get used to turn taking and having to go along with things they don’t really want to do, etc.

I don’t play a great deal with my 3 year old because I find it utterly mind numbing. He’s a child and I’m an adult so of course some interests are simply not going to gel. I just tell him I don’t want to play with cars because I don’t enjoy it, and he’s welcome to play that by himself or he can do X, Y, or Z with me instead (I don’t mind playing with play dough for a bit at the kitchen table, or him helping me to bake, or reading him a story). Kids need to know that different people like different things, and there’s no genuine fun to be had from forcing someone to participate in a game they hate. If he were to moan about it he knows it doesn’t get him very far. I just walk away from whinging and moaning.

If I’m happy to do something with him but have stuff to do I tell him I have jobs I need to do and I’ll come through to play as soon as they’re finished. But there are some games I just don’t play, and I definitely don’t play if I’m being bossed about or moaned at. He knows this.

We do plenty of other things together so I’m not going to feel guilty about refusing to sit and play tedious pretend games with cars. We go on trips together, we go for bike rides, I’ll spend all day at the beach with him, we go swimming, visit museums and attractions, play with play dough, bake, go to the library, build lego, read books. This is more than enough. No way would I have a kid bitch and moan at me all day long to play exactly the way they want. Where will that get them in the school playground?