Authoritarian father has made me too permissive

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Looking for others experiences. My father was emotionally abusive throughout childhood & beyond (I was born in the 80s) He ruled by fear, occasionally hit both me & my sister, shouted at us all constantly including my mother, we were never good enough, wanted us to be the best academically & complete all music exams; never have boyfriends etc etc. I could go on. Both my sister & I left home as soon as we could at 18 & relationship with dad has been strained ever since.

I’ve become a parent myself in the last 5 years and now have 2 DC - 4 and 1. I seem to have an inability to discipline & set boundaries. It’s like my body won’t allow it to happen. I cower away and freeze. I know it must be related fo how I was brought up, but I need to find a way to not let the pendulum swing too far the other way. Hubbie is much better at setting boundaries without the fear factor of my own father.

Has anyone experienced something similar? My sister is the same unsurprisingly… TIA

Therapy

Thank you. I’ve had lots of therapy in the past & about to embark on another block of sessions. I also started SSRI’s about 6 months ago which have definitely helped - as I used to suffer with bouts of blind rage but these have subsided significantly

I have a hard time with it too. It got easier when I read nice girls don't get the corner office - although not related to parenting I found it gave me permission to have boundaries, which I could then apply to my DC.

Thank you, and for the book tip. I’ll give it a read

I think that being aware what caused the issue is the first step to make things better, you are trying not to repeat the mistakes of your dad but you do need to be extremely careful not to let the pendulum swing too much on the opposite direction, don’t allow your children to abuse you as your dad.

There is so much said about healing the past, when probably the only realistic thing we can do is to let it go and start afresh from a position of what actually works for US.

I struggled with being too lenient with my DS, almost 3, in the early days but I have come to realise that he thrives on boundaries and it always comes from a place of love. So now, I’m much more strict with routine and what he can’t and can’t do but only because it’s always in his best interest.

Although sometimes I realise you do also have to pick your battles for the good of a harmonious home!

What boundaries in particular do you struggle with?

Thank you so much for this. Is sounds very similar to my situation with our 4 year old. I felt I had created a monster & now having to undo some of the poor parenting choices I made.

Food is one area where I’ve let DD choose what she eats vs us choosing (obvs not sweets for dinner but just giving her an option), asking if she wants to do something (eg. Go to grandparents house) va saying this is what we’re doing. I think the thing I find hardest is having to sift through the constant questions ‘can I do x, y, z’ and make judgement calls on all of them whilst picking battles as you say.

That’s ok to realise but now you’re actively trying to make better choices with your parenting and that’s always a good thing and it’s never too late to make changes.

Food was and still is a big one for us too. Do you sit together at the table to eat? In the beginning we didn’t, and then my husband didn’t sit at the table but now we all sit at the table for every meal which creates good habits around food. I’m much more strict with food than my DH. I don’t let him have too much rubbish and I stick to my guns. He can’t have a biscuit if he hasn’t eaten or at least eaten most of his lunch and now when I say ‘no’ he doesn’t put up too much of a fight because he knows I mean it. BUT I always keep my promise and so if I say eat some more dinner please they you can have XYZ I will always be true to my word.

Weekdays are much better because we have our routine whereas weekends DH let’s him snack constantly and eat rubbish honestly and it all goes to pot.

i had to move the snack box out of arms reach because he wanted it all the time, out of sight out of mind does help.

sometimes I give options, do you want to wear your wellies or trainers if I genuinely don’t mind which he wears but other times I’m in charge as the parent and this is what we are doing today. I really think children feel safe when a parent is in control, lovingly of course and not too rigid!

This is great advice thank you. I always wondered about food & saying if you eat x then you can have y. I follow the big little feelings crew on instagram and their whole philosophy is to treat all food as equal and they won’t associate things as treats and want them more. But this really hasn’t worked! She just wants more savoury than sweet! We do try to do mealtimes together but it’s tricky so we tend to sit with her & her brother while they eat & we eat later. But will try to work on this…. The two different options thing is always a good idea too.

I know a lot of people say to treat food equally which I do understand but if my son is asking for a donut before lunch I’m just not going to say of course that’s absolutely fine! But if for example if he wants a small packet of chocolate buttons I’ll say yes you can have it with your lunch and I’ll offer it alongside a healthy balanced lunch. I try to say food is good/fuel for your body rather than say that’s ‘bad’ etc. Also I found just not buying the junk food in the first place and so the only options are relatively healthy if that makes sense. So they think they are having a ‘treat’ but it’s something you are happy for them to be eating. It’s such a hard area and something I am still working on myself.

Also modelling healthy eating habits yourself

Re the food, I agree with not buying many treats in the first place. Easier for you and them!

I also recommend Philippa Perry's The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (And Your Children Will Be Glad You Did) which deals with the issue of trying to parent differently from the way you were parented.

Gentle parenting worked for me when done properly ( ie not permissive or indifferent parenting) I had to accept I was never ever going to be a strict parent and didn’t need to be in the end. It was liberating to choose how my home would be run, and I would never ever stand for the kind of behaviour I went through as a child.

I have been extra affectionate, I bolster my children’s self esteem, and sense of worth, I celebrate their differences and growing personalities and interests, which are different from mine,
If there was behaviour that wasn’t great, I would explain why it isn’t, ask them to stop. Mostly they did, but if not I would follow through on consequences ( TV time removed, no special outing etc) and explain why. It worked for us. I vowed I would never shout, use any form of violence or be passive aggressive.
Or punish too harshly or berate them.

We had a happy home, with mostly contented children that were extremely respectful and well mannered. They are very loved, and over the years we have remained very close as a family, they are now young adults and I am pleased I remained true to my values. I always listened, was present, let them make choices and experience carefree freedom.

I don’t underestimate the effort, dedication and care it took at times, but I have really enjoyed their childhood and being a mother.

I read Eckhart Toile the power of now and used it every day to stay focused on enjoying every moment of every day and not sweat the small stuff - and still do. It’s your life, you decide and how lovely after a hellish childhood.🙏🏼

I think you need to not let your past consume your present. Perhaps therepy is needed. Realise we all do this, it's human nature. My mother didn't want to repeat her mother's mistakes on me, and I don't want to repeat my mother's mistakes either. I'm sure my DC will be the same.