4 year old begging not to go to school in September

[Corilee2806]

I’ve posted about my DS a fair bit over the years, he recently turned 4 and is in the system with referrals for suspected ND - not sure what’s going on, shows some signs of dyspraxia (working theory after OT review but still too young to diagnose) but also ASD and ADHD, sensory issues etc.

He goes to preschool 3 days a week and his teachers see no issues except some fine motor challenges so assume he’s masking a lot as we get meltdowns etc at home. He really struggles daily with the transition to go to school and at least one of the days we have to carry him in kicking and screaming. As he settles quickly once in, his teachers see no issue with this.

he frequently tells me he doesn’t like school and doesn’t want to go, although at the end of each day he comes out happy. They have just started some gentle transition activities which will increase in the summer term, showing the children the reception classrooms which seems to have really spiked his anxiety. we can’t even really talk about school (his sister is in yr 1 so he is very familiar with the routine) and he is begging not to go, saying he really doesn’t want to go to school, doesn’t want to do learning among other things and generally getting very worked up. I’ve tried to reassure him and make it sound exciting and also make sure he knows it’s months away - he struggles with the concept of time so maybe he thinks it’s next week. But I thought it would be a relatively easy transition as he is already there, other than going 5 days a week.

any thoughts on how I can approach the school, I’ve spoken to the SENCO before but as they don’t see what I do they don’t take me seriously. It’s a fairly big 2 form entry school and I’m wondering now if it’s even the best environment for him. I just want him to thrive!

Still struggling with this! My son is increasingly finding it difficult to go to preschool, he’s got his ASD assessment soon and the school are still saying they can’t see any evidence of his behaviours there. I met the SENCO this week to discuss everything and it was so disheartening. I mentioned a part time timetable to start with in reception to help him and I may as well have said I wanted to send him to school on the moon. When I mentioned this she said ‘he won’t get an EHCP’ which isn’t even something I’ve mentioned at this point! It’s so frustrating not being listened to - we see the issues every day but the school won’t act unless they have problems there. The other day he told me he waits all day until his favourite part of the day which is going home, he doesn’t like the visual timetable cards because ‘there’s too many til home time’ and he just wants to be with his key worker.

Transitions and the apprehension around new things were big issues for my DS too (ASD and dyspraxia). When we visited school he refused to go, cried, screamed, grabbed the doors and I had to carry him round the back way and for the whole tour. It was horrendous. He then went to school absolutely fine because the other children in the class were ones he recognised from preschool and them being there made it ok.

The big thing for DS that really helped was having friends at preschool, I was really friendly with some mums and so he spent quite a bit of time with their kids. It is also much easier for him to get to know people on a one to one basis at home so if you think it might help I'd really recommend inviting a friend to tea for them to hopefully build a bit of a bond. I tended to structure the time as ds always found that easier and got involved and set things up for them to do.

Oh also his school though he was great, he wasn't assessed till age 10 and the report from the school was literally glowing. He was still diagnosed though.

Is there a way to make the transition to preschool easier? Going in before any of the other kids arrive for example, taking a favourite toy or something that reassures him like a blanket. I would not talk about school for now because my ds was the same and often if he didn't like the idea of something after discussing it then it was better just to drop it for a while. I would focus on trying to make things better at preschool - does he go full days? I would say that's too long for him right now and would stick with half days if that's an option.

Just request an EHCNA yourself. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use. Sadly, some schools/nurseries incorrectly tell parents their DC won’t get or don’t need an EHCP.

You have the right to send DS part time until he is compulsory school age (that is the term after he is 5). You don’t need the school to agree to this. It is your right. However, it is your choice. Don’t let the school impose a part-time timetable because that is not lawful.

Hey OP. My reception aged child sounds extremely similar. I had a thread a while ago. If you search ‘extremely bright, extremely difficult child’ you’ll find it.

He’s gifted level IQ, ASD with PDA, dyspraxic and potentially ADHD.

School see an emotional child who is also prone to being impulsive. They are aware he is bright but not the extent of it. They do not think he is particularly difficult compared to a lot of other children and I’m pretty certain they think we are neurotic. Hours around school are often horrendous and we are quite broken by his behaviour.

He dislikes school a lot and would happily not go. At the moment we can just about get him there. You can almost see him ‘put the mask on’ as we reach the school gate. But I think it will be an absolute miracle if we make it through his school careers with period(s) of school refusal. I suspect next year will really challenge him and it’ll all break down.

I don’t have much advice. It’s horrible for these extremely clever neurodivergent kids who primarily struggle emotionally/socially but can mask to varying degrees. You are almost playing a waiting game for the wheels to fall off before you are taken seriously.

I agree with everyone else. At great expense we paid for our own OT and EP assessment. We are now applying for an EHCP independently. It’s hell, school have clearly got us marked as trouble makers. But we need to try and get things in motion before everything comes crashing down.

Good luck with it all x

Did you manage to apply for the ECHP?

Thanks everyone for the responses, I am finding it really difficult to trust my gut and push forward mainly because of the school gaslighting me. I think I was of the belief that we wouldn’t get anywhere without their support even with all the evidence we have from everywhere else. I know their approach is wait until they absolutely have to do anything when my son visibly starts to struggle there, as he is at home. His assessment is at the end of May, so after that if we’re feeling more confident I think we will then go forward with the ECHNA and looking more seriously at the part time start etc. the SENCO honestly made it sound like an EHCP was an impossible dream. At this point they won’t even look at things like assess plan do review because they say no need.