4 year old begging not to go to school in September

[Corilee2806]

I’ve posted about my DS a fair bit over the years, he recently turned 4 and is in the system with referrals for suspected ND - not sure what’s going on, shows some signs of dyspraxia (working theory after OT review but still too young to diagnose) but also ASD and ADHD, sensory issues etc.

He goes to preschool 3 days a week and his teachers see no issues except some fine motor challenges so assume he’s masking a lot as we get meltdowns etc at home. He really struggles daily with the transition to go to school and at least one of the days we have to carry him in kicking and screaming. As he settles quickly once in, his teachers see no issue with this.

he frequently tells me he doesn’t like school and doesn’t want to go, although at the end of each day he comes out happy. They have just started some gentle transition activities which will increase in the summer term, showing the children the reception classrooms which seems to have really spiked his anxiety. we can’t even really talk about school (his sister is in yr 1 so he is very familiar with the routine) and he is begging not to go, saying he really doesn’t want to go to school, doesn’t want to do learning among other things and generally getting very worked up. I’ve tried to reassure him and make it sound exciting and also make sure he knows it’s months away - he struggles with the concept of time so maybe he thinks it’s next week. But I thought it would be a relatively easy transition as he is already there, other than going 5 days a week.

any thoughts on how I can approach the school, I’ve spoken to the SENCO before but as they don’t see what I do they don’t take me seriously. It’s a fairly big 2 form entry school and I’m wondering now if it’s even the best environment for him. I just want him to thrive!

@Corilee2806 I was almost exactly in this position last year. DS always struggled with going into nursery, we tried EVERYTHING. I was in tears thinking how I'd manage getting him to school 5 days a week (he also did 3 days at nursery) He should be getting his autism assessment this summer after being on the pathway since 2.5.

On a 30 mins STAY AND PLAY at the school (so I wasn't even dropping him off) he was the child trying to run off, crying his eyes out... When they bought the sign in sheet out he genuinely screamed "DO NOT SIGN ME IN... I'M NOT GOING IN THAT PLACE" It was meant to just be one parent person child but they let my mum come too as it took both of us to get him in the door.

It's a bit different as his nursery were incredibly supportive and got the school on board when they forwarded on his info. His school teacher visited the nursery and we had meetings to set up some things early on - DS was allowed to take his comfort rabbit in, wear his cap in school, we'd get there early so he was one of the first ones inside. They spoke to nursery about his routine and set it up so he could go straight to a set task to help him regulate. Some of his friends from nursery are in his class which was a massive help.

At home we got books about school, tried his uniform on a few times to make sure it was comfy (he doesn't wear the branded stuff, he finds the Asda stuff most comfortable), practised the walk to school. I'd tell him stories about when I was at school. I was also really empathetic with him and said I was nervous starting school and got upset some days, but I'd loved learning and made friends etc. That especially really helped I found.

He started in September and honestly, he is THRIVING. He loves the routine and structure. Loves learning. Has some lovely friends. He gets overwhelmed and needs support, some mornings are still very hard and he needs some weekends to just "re set" but he's always very positive about school itself. He's on their Sen register with an ilp (individual learning plan) We have regular meetings and they are all for helping him thrive. Most mornings he actually walks down happily chatting and goes in after a quick hug with no upset at all. If you'd told me this a few months ago I wouldn't have believed it. He's on accelerated progress for the academic side and has gained loads of confidence.

My advice would be communication with the school and following his lead a bit at home. Send them any paperwork you have to support your concerns/confirm he's awaiting assessment etc.

Keep a morning routine so he has time to things without rushing. Take snacks to pick up and don't ask many questions straight away. Play "school" and "office" as a fun way of practising some of the stuff they do, it might help him open up about how he's finding it too.

Good luck op!

My DGD started school the week she was 5 but there are others in her class 10 months older than she is because they were kept back a year befire they started. The difference is obvious, why dont you keep him back till he is older. My son wasnt allowed to start school till he was 5 and a half and he just flew unlike my DGD.

I have looked into whether that’s a possibility but you can only apply the summer born rule and defer if they are born after 1st April unfortunately!

Maybe just dial down the pressure and stop mentioning it at all for a few months? September is ages away, maybe all the school chat is just making it into something bigger than it is?

You can still send him to reception the term after his 5th birthday ,they have to keep his place and you can still use his funded hours for nursery.

My eldest was similar but not as severe. He went to a childminder from around 10 months 3 days a week then at age 3 years 8 months he went to preschool 3x mornings then 3x days a week and he didn't like it. He'd have to be held back by his key worker every drop off and would be crying, then he'd have a good day and come out happy. But he still didn't like going. He went to school last September when he was 4 years 8 months and has settled in really well, generally likes school and comes out happy. Seems to like it far more than preschool. It's awful though having to send them in when they don't like it and are upset. I think it's worth considering holding him back but then if he doesn't like preschool anyway then he'd have another year of that. Have you considered flexi schooling/part time until he is of CSA?

Definitely going to try and do this but the school has started transition activity which is where it has come from! But going to just keep it really low profile if it continues to upset him - I did think preparing him would help but I think for some children it just causes anxiety.

Yes, my kids' nursery did a lot of stuff and it just stressed them out, so we stopped taking about it altogether at home until much nearer the time.

I guess it's kind of logical really, it's nearly 6 months away which is 1/4 of his life. So it's like someone constantly telling an adult about something that's going to happen a decade later. It would definitely make me feel anxious about it! I think nurseries/pre schools are obviously well meaning but it does have the opposite of the intended effect for lots of the children.

I didn’t know asking for flexi schooling or part time was an option. It’s something I’d consider if he was really struggling - how does it work, do you have to apply for it?

Way too early for nursery to be doing transition activities. Places haven't even been offered yet! I know they mean well but 4 Yr olds have little concept of time. Back off until June.

I know - I was surprised! They definitely didn’t start this early in my daughter’s year. Wasn’t an issue for her though as she was mega excited to start big school!

You can send him part time before he gets to CSA. After that an agreement with the school would be required to Flexi school. There's a group on Facebook that has lots of information on it. I looked into it as mine was not settling into preschool so I thought school would be worse and I had part time until CSA as a backup option.

I ended up home educating my son (who much later got diagnosed with autism and ADHD). He is very bright and high functioning. School just didn’t suit him when he was younger. He returned in Year 9 ( to a tiny, nurturing private school). There are loads of opportunities for socialising now that home education is so popular.

Do not try to make it exciting. That’s too much pressure. Just acknowledge his feelings by naming them, tell him you understand he’s doesn’t want to go. Say it not for ages monotone, and then leave it at that. Remove all pressure.

too early for talk of primary school yet anyway.

Completely agree - but the school have started the conversation now so I’m dealing with it as best I can!

Yes they are doing it WAY too soon. 4 year olds don't fully understand time yet. What on earth is the point of mentioning it months and months in advance - just gives them longer to feel anxious. The damage has been done now but I think it would be reasonable to give them feedback on it.

My older child (autism, anxious) is moving school and the SENCO and I agreed not to tell him too far in advance. It's a balancing act between giving them some time to get their head around it but not giving them too long to be anxious.

Yes I’ve been thinking about it and I am going to give them some feedback as they’ve done it so early, and also I’m going to see if there’s a way they can dial down what they will inevitably have planned for the summer term as they do lots of time in the reception classroom - great for some children but not all of them! Will be interesting to see what they say as they don’t seem to notice my son’s anxiety. It also seems a bit excessive considering the children who aren’t at the school yet just get their one transition morning in July!

I would agree with this. He will have mom concept of time. Pointless talking about something so monumental that is five months away. I’m not surprised he’s feeling anxious.

Does he have ASD & ADHD or is he on the assessment pathway? Sorry, was a bit unsure from your OP

On the assessment pathway - his first appointment tomorrow actually. Not sure if ADHD will be taken into consideration yet due to his age. He had an OT assessment a few months back and they think dyspraxia is in the mix - it’s a bit unclear at the moment.

I think you’re probably right about him being too young for an ADHD assessment.

Have you applied for an ECHP for him? I think it should help him in September. Is the primary tgat you’ve mentioned the only option? It sounds very busy.

It doesn’t help that he seems to mask at nursery so they don’t see any issues or challenges - I have a feeling that some things might be more evident as he moves into school and then we’ll have a better idea of what’s going on. I do think we need to consider a smaller setting more seriously and I wish we’d done that when applying for schools - things have changed quite a lot in the last 6 months.

My AuDHD DC is also very good at masking. My best advice is to head over to the SN Children Section, ask about ECHPs and get one in place as quickly as you possibly can