Child care anxiety!

[NimbleOchreEagle]

I am looking for advice around sending my child to nursery/nanny.

My partner rarely helps with baby as he works. His brilliant sister helps me adhoc - roughly once every 6 weeks if something comes up. I work for my partner and do what I can during naps. I also do all housework and looking after baby etc.

I’m at a stage where I want some help once or twice a week so I can go into the office to work regularly and sometimes do one of my hobbies again.

I am extremely anxious about leaving my daughter with a nursery/nanny/childminder.

My concerns: 1) My baby is very attached to me and gets very upset if I’m not around. (2) I am so worried about her being abused. I have read so many stories of babies dying at nursery or being abused and it terrifies me to leave her with someone as you can never guarantee she will be safe. (3) there is so much online that says any childcare before 3 is terrible for your child etc will ruin them as adults. (4) she still nurses for feed and comfort regularly in the day and nurses to sleep. (5) I don’t know what’s safest? Nanny at home or childminder or nursery!

Did/does anyone else worry like this? I think if she was older I wouldn’t feel as anxious.
I want help with her but I don’t want to leave her with someone I don’t fully know/trust either. I just wondered if I’m mad or if it’s normal to feel this way. My partner wants us to view a nursery next week and even the thought of this has my stomach in knots.

How old is she?

11 months

Plenty of children around that age start in a childcare setting. Mine included. You have to decide whether you really need it or not. If you do, then it has to happen and you have to believe it's a positive thing (children pick up on feelings and emotions of their caregivers).

I would, however, be wary of sending a little one to nursery for so few days. Generally they need stability and regularity to settle in.

I'd think about a part time nanny who comes to you, and if you at some point need more days then consider nursery

I didn’t worry like this, no. I think you have to be really practical. It takes a village to raise a child. It’s normal and natural to have primary caregivers (you and your partner, if he actually did anything like a dad should). But also very normal and natural to have a community of people helping you look after your child. That’s how it’s always been since the beginning of time.

You find a setting you feel most comfortable with and people you can trust. Listen to your gut. I personally went with a nursery. I wanted more hands on deck. I didn’t feel a childminder working alone could give my child the attention they needed. At nursery, there was always someone who could hold them or rock them to sleep, and I liked the security that they’d be in one place that was secure, not out and about in a car all day or in random places.

As for safety, children are significantly more likely to be abused by a parent or other family member or another trusted person close to them, not a paid caregiver. Childcare providers are inspected and DBS checked and have safeguarding training. I’ve had the experience of two paedophiles gaining access to my children. In both cases, they were partners of close family members who I loved and trusted unconditionally, NOT a nursery worker. Statistically speaking, your child is safer with a nursery or childminder than with an auntie or grandmother m who may not have the safeguarding training to spot red flags necessary for keeping them safe.

Whatever type of caregiver you choose, if they’re a good one, your baby will settle in with them if you take time. Both of mine fed to sleep and slept on me and bedshared at night, and they adjusted just fine to nursery with careful settling in time. They started at 9 and 11 months respectively.

DT’s went to nursery full time from six months old. The staff were lovely - low turnover and qualified in early years, nursing etc. Two of the staff became our weekly babysitters.

DT’s settled in quickly and they got excited when they saw their key workers each morning. They stayed at that nursery until they started school - I still have good memories of their time there.

Id suggest visiting a number of different nurseries so you can work out what matters to you from each. I’m no regrets in DT’s doing full time nursery from six months old. There are excellent nurseries out there.

If you’re anxious, you could start with a nanny that watches the baby in your house while you’re also around. Can you WFH? Once you feel confident that DC is safe with the nanny, you might be ok leaving them and going into the office.

Thank you for your response and for sharing your experience . How awful for you! Yes I’ve read before it’s usually someone trusted. I don’t trust anyone bar me with her if I’m honest.

I saw a nursery today and all the children looked happy and 2 ran to the lady showing me around and hugged her. The nursery felt safe and my daughter wanted to play with the toys and interact with the staff. My daughter also feeds to sleep and I was concerned how nursery would deal with it. It would help me if she could learn to sleep without breast feeding!

Im seeing a nanny tomorrow so will see how i feel about that. I do need help from somewhere and I can’t do it alone and work.

Sometimes I think I build something up in my head and worry massively and I need to hear other people’s views/experience to be a bit more logical and less emotional! Thank you. xx

"There is so much online that says any childcare before 3 is terrible for your child, etc, will ruin them as adults."

I'm sorry, what??? So 90% of the western adults are ruined?
The modern society's unhealthy obsession with "protecting" the children from real life and the parents' narcissism thinking the kids can't survive without them for 5 minutes is what ruins them. Not the time they spend playing with other young children.

Re the sleeping - children learn different habits for different places. If you search on this site or google you'll find hundreds if not thousands of posts of people saying things like "my baby will only sleep in pitch black, with white noise, being rocked for exactly 17 minutes, otherwise she'll wake screaming" worrying about how their baby will ever sleep somewhere else, and 99.9% of the time at a nursery or childminder they adapt to sleeping in the regular cots in the baby room with someone patting their back or just magically sleep differently! Babies who are breastfed in particular associate mum with breastfeeding, and you smell of milk, that's what they want. If dad/gran/a childminder does a sleep routine there is no milk association or smell, it's a totally different situation.

Whilst it’s natural to worry to an extent, your anxiety could be encouraging an extremely clingy child.

We showed absolute confidence in our CM from the get go, lovely setting and very highly recommended. We believe our self assured approach helped our children settle in fast.

I would say that what you are experiencing is partly normal but probably far more heightened compared to most parents. In the country where I live maternity leave is 4 months and most parents go back to work then, as did I. I have to say I haven’t noticed the children and adults here to all be particularly mal adjusted!!

It is normal to have a little bit of anxiety about leaving your child for the first time with someone new, but it shouldn’t be all consuming as per PPs.

I had a neighbour like that. Both children were extremely clingy and selective mutes at school! Reign it in, if you can.