DCs want to spend less time at their dads

[Confuzzleduzzled]

ExH and I separated when the DDs were 2 & 4. He moved 4 hours drive away to be with his new partner. He stays nearby 1 day a week so they have 1 overnight per week. We split the holidays more or less evenly.

DDs are now 13 & 15. They love seeing their dad and get on well with their step family but they resent having to spend the holidays there. DD1 is worried about GCSE revision as it’s a lot easier to do at home. And they both want to spend more time with their friends.

They used to go there and back over a weekend which had to stop as they hated the journey and had weekend activities.

ExH claims to take into account their feelings but whenever they raise it with him they are made to feel very guilty.

Is it reasonable for me to insist that they spend less time there?

I don't think it is up to you to 'insist', but I would certainly back my children at that age. Stupid stupid man to move so far away, I just don't understand how he could possibly think that was ok. His loss, but sadly also theirs.

Mine are marginally younger and their father is 45-60 minutes away depending on traffic, and even now, and with less of a travel stint, I can see them not wanting to go there in due course. And as much as I want my children with me as much as possible, I do think it would be a shame for them to see their father so little (already only EOW).

Thanks @StargazerLiIy. You’re right, I probably can’t insist. DDs just find him very hard to reason with. He appears to take it all on board and then does exactly what he was planning all along. Or he gives in and then makes them feel guilty or keeps bringing it up.

At their ages you can start to encourage and empower them to speak up themselves (probably using text messages/chat/email to put their wishes in writing) and find their own boundaries. Tricky for kids to do with a parent who sounds emotionally manipulative, but it is a life skill that needs to be learned by everyone and if they can start to stand up to their dad that is much better than learning to give in to emotional manipulation.

You can use examples from books, TV, your kids friendship experiences to teach your kids to recognise the kinds of unhealthy behaviours their father is doing (eg emotional blackmail, selectively ignoring their wishes) and eventually they will put two and two together and this will go a long way towards protecting them from getting into abusive dynamics in the future.

it is tricky though, because under normal circs, they would have their father around. Now they will hardly see him.

You cannot insist. However. You can support your DCs to stand up for what they want.

they are old enough now to have a strong say.

and it may mean he sees them for a 2 week break away every summer and the odd week here and there. However that is his problem for moving away from them.

if I was them I would just make sure I had lots of things on. Pre season training was what my siblings and I used to attend to step away from home…….
Taking up sports and joining local teams that required holiday time commitment. Another friend was deeply involved in the local theatre.

worked for us.
best of luck.

You can’t insist, but youe children can and you can help them navigate this. It’s best that they tell their Dad what they want the new arrangements to be.