Should we move closer to Grandparents?

[brabbit23]

Hi, I’m looking for a bit of advice/perspective, maybe from parents with older children who have hindsight!

My husband & I moved from a beautiful but small town in the countryside, quite far away from the hustle & bustle of much (4hrs from London by car, no train station etc). And moved to our dream location that we’ve always wanted to live in, just after we got married nearly 5 years ago. We left both sets of parents behind in the same town, and two siblings (one of which is getting married soon and will likely start a family).

We now have a 1-year-old who absolutely adores my mum and cries every time she leaves. I also find having no support/family network or ‘village’ if you like, really challenging, almost on a daily basis. I think a lot about whether we should move back, closer to both our parents and future cousins for my daughter etc. But I LOVE where we live so so much, it really is a dream to live here, and there is a lot more going on. So for when my children get older, I think it will be a much better location with access to so much more for them.

But then I think about these early years and am I depriving them of something wonderful and important by not being near grandparents? And it is very beautiful where they live, especially my parents as they are properly in the countryside. Plus a slower ‘country’ way of life. So it would make for a beautiful childhood, just much less going on for teenagers.

our friends and other siblings are pretty scattered around the country, we are closer to some living where we are now but would be closer to others if we moved back so it’s 6 of one and half a dozen of the other from a friend point of view.

We have only just bought a house here, and my husband is doing well in his job so it wouldn’t be an overnight move. I think I just need to clear up in my head whether it’s something we should be thinking about doing or not!

I’d love to know if anyone was in a similar position and what they did, or how important nurturing grandparents are on little ones, and how much location matters once they get older!
Any advice at all is so appreciated!!

Thank you so much.

We moved approx 2.5hrs away from our parents/ DC grandparents when ours were 6months & 2yrs old, due to redundancy we had to move to find work. DC’s always had regular contact with grandparents & regularly stayed for a few weeks in school hols. Childcare could be a challenge but we had good after school club & I worked shifts. DC’s are now adults & take themselves to visit / stay with grandparents, which they all enjoy, have a good close relationship. DCs have many happy memories of summers staying with them. It also gave us some much needed down time as a couple too. We still live in same area. Obviously as they are ageing we will spend more time making the journey to see them as they become less able to travel to us. We wouldn’t move back as our lives are now here, DCs lives are here & the work situation would still be a problem.

In my experience it's really common for families to gravitate towards "home" particularly around the time their kids start school. It seems to result in a mixed bag of outcomes if MN is anything to go by.

As your kids get older and more self sufficient if they have a good relationship with your parents and they are in good health then a few days in the school holidays here and there will be a lifesaver for you [assuming you work] and a lovely novelty and opportunity to spend time with GP's and cousins for your children. That's very different to living full time in a very rural area with zero public transport and access to a large city with all that offers.

We relocated around the time DC2 started reception and DC1 was heading into year 3 for a myriad of reasons but one was that we were paying heavily for a London lifestyle we didn't use. We didn't go to galleries and events on the weekends and while we had a great group of friends locally it also meant we stayed local. The craving to be out of London and be more rural won out. It was lovely when they were little though to be able to hop on a bus and do something interesting within minutes. Our kids have a close relationship with GP's because we've made the time to host the, travel to them and generally supported that relationship. It's harder over a long distance but there are plenty of families on MN that have GP's a few miles away that never see their grandkids.

if I am reading your post right now- and apologise I got a bit confused- you went from country side to a location with more happening. I would stay in the location where more is happening and better public transport… unfortunately the saying the days are long but the years are short is true and you will have a child needing independence before you know it so personally I would stay in a location that is better for you in the very long term

Stay where you love living. My eldest is a preteen now. When she was born we were very close to both our mums (dads long deceased) in terms of relationship, but not geographically, though not far enough that it impacted on us all seeing each other regularly.

12 years on, I’m 5 years into being NC with my mum (very unexpectedly, you never could have told me that one day I’d not have my mum in my life). MIL takes polite interest in them and visits every couple months, but even just being around (no childcare) for a few hours seems to tired her out (she’s late 60s) and she gets bored and spends a lot of her visit on her phone. 🤷🏻‍♀️

We live in a beautiful part of the country that we love. Have a lovely home and a great life here, which my kids benefit from so much more than their absent/disinterested grandparents. We’ve created a village for ourselves here and it’s much more of a support for us than either of our parents could be.

Sounds like you live somewhere lovely

After we got married, we moved 450 miles away from my parents. After second DC was born, we felt that everyone was missing out on the relationship and we missed family. My parents, aunts etc all cried when we had to leave and spoke about how much they wanted more contact with the kids. When kids were 3 and 8, we moved back 'home'.... Everyone was too busy working, living their own lives. Hardly any contact at all, probably once a week visit, despite living 5mins from them. After DPs retired, they wanted to enjoy their freedom and travel.
The grass isn't always greener and I regularly regret moving back. I would recommend having honest conversations about how involved they would actual be in your lives before making any decisions.