Ex keeps asking me to step in

[localhere]

I know it’s an easy answer ‘just say no’ but that doesn’t take into account the guilt I feel for not stepping in.
When we split two years ago ex insisted on 50/50, consequently kids spend a week there and a week here. Recently DD12 has started ‘being ill’ on her weeks with Dad but instead of him sucking it up, being the baddie and either sending her to school or taking time off with her, he’ll text me with ‘DD is saying she’s not well but I’ve got stuff on at work’ and expect me to pick her up (I WFH) and care for her for the day. I know if I say no he’ll tell her that I ‘refused’ to have her so she’ll have to go to school. There have been a couple of times in the past where he’s just gone into work anyway and left her by herself all day and we had words about that not being acceptable. So now he expects me to deal with it when it happens.
If I responded with ‘She’s just going to have to go to school, give her some meds and take her’ he will turn it into ‘So sorry darling but [mean old] mum says you have to go to school’! For what it’s worth she rarely misses a day of school on her weeks with me, she has some great friends and is doing well at school. Why does he not want the responsibility?

so what if he says that to your dd. Let him. Then explain to your dd your reasons. She’s old enough to understand.

It doesn't seem a very satisfactory arrangement. If she is swinging it by always being ill on his weeks that's not the same as a genuine illness. You'd ex can't keep taking time off work. Either she stays at his house on her own all day, comes to you or goes to school.

She should definitely be in school! I think he likes to play the good guy and be lenient knowing I’ll pick up the trouble it causes

Yes this. She's old enough to understand now.

So if you pick her up and she is not ill, surely you take her straight to school?

12 is an odd age, they want to be teenagers, independent and cool, but still need lots of input, reassurance and love from their parents.

Is it possible that she wants to spend more time with you? Obviously she might not feel she can say that, it could even be a kind of home sickness.

She is only 12, this is probably her subconscious way to change the arrangements as she doesn’t want 50/50. Which is a tricky thing to admit to your own self as a pre teen let alone to have to raise with your parents.

I would have a chat to her now it’s been a couple of years of this arrangement, ‘what is good about it, what is bad, how do other people do it, any ideas for improving it’

This

Don't answer the phone, he will either text or leave a message then you will know whether to reply or not.
You might feel guilty but he's taking the P*ss out of you because he knows this is he case.
A one off here and there is fair enough but if its happening often he needs to figure it out just like you would if she was in your care.
He's her father, he's more than capable of taking her to the doctor or chemist to get some medicine or get her checked over as you would if she were in your care.

At 14 I didn't see my ds for a year.. Exh allowed drink /drugs and no school.. A year on ds rang. Can he come live ft with me as he needed an actual parent....

I’d be more concerned that DD clearly isn’t happy with the 50/50 arrangement and feels like her only way to express that is to feign illness to avoid being at her dad’s 🥺

I would definitely not be answering any messages or calls during working hours...just tell him you were in meetings all day and can't be disturbed. Then I'd have a talk with your daughter to check that 50:50 works for her or not. She's getting old enough to choose how she spends her time.

If you went to court, dd would be allowed to choose how much contact she had with each parent. I suspect she’s unhappy with 50/50 but doesn’t want to say it out loud because she’s unaware of the “power” she has to change things.

Have you asked her outright why she’s ill on dad’s weeks? Eg Is he allowing her to stay up late with her phone so she’s too tired ?

Text dd yourself on the days that she is throwing a sickie so dad can’t make you look like the bad guy if that bothers you

He's not taking time off though.

Text him that he can take parental leave in future and that you are not available during your working hours.

You don't have much choice but to explore in your mind what you're ok with and what you're not. It might involve doing things you wish you didn't have to. Once you're clear, you then tell ex and your daughter and you don't back down.

Is she actually unwell in any way or is this because she just doesn't want to be there,? So first chat is with daughter. Ask her. You might not like the answer. You can ask her, you can listen without committing to anything.

Is there any scope to change the arrangements? So she isn't there as much? It's ok if you don't want to do that. If it's not possible that's ok. Your daughter will have to find a way to deal with this.

Your guilt is being used against you. Not ok. But they often play this card, the fathers.

One thing you have as leverage is the fact she's being left alone. You can tell him, gently of course, 🙄that this will be flagged by school who will start asking questions and will reflect upon him badly. I'd make him think this so he steps up. If he can't then she's with you more often and he'll pay more to you as a result.

Be strong OP. Tell your daughter that if she ever wants to know what you think or have said about anything, she must ask you directly. You can reassure her how much you love her and miss her always yet your work commitments and arrangements out your control mean you cannot drop things like this.

Ignore his calls or messages. Force the selfish sod to take responsibility for his dd on his days.

Any chance it's period pain? If your 50:50 is regular she may be having her period mostly on his weeks? Worth a chat in case that is a root cause so between the three of you she has strategies to cope particularly if she's fairly new to it?

It sounds as though your relationship with your Ex is a bit fraught generally. Is he the sort to be genuinely concerned that his child might not want to live with him at all? If so, then a reasonable chat might be the way forward particularly if he is more permissive on bedtimes and tv etc. Throwing a sickie may be a way to get out of admitting she hasn't done homework too. But if he wants to parent 50:50 leaving a sick 12 year old at home solo isn't on.

But as others have suggested, I'd start with her.

Oh god poor lad, and you!

We've had similar with my SC and her DM.

My DH picks up SC and delivers them straight to school.

So the relationship with him is strained and was always really. Walking on eggshells etc. He doesn’t like interference and rejects any contact when it’s his week so it’s difficult for me to step in but this morning I went over and picked her up when I found out she was on her own in the house. She IS having stomach pains, however this is one thing on a list of things, I suspect are mental health related as opposed to physical. Shes a sensitive little soul.
She’s now booked in for blood tests as, to me, she is showing signs of anaemia. To MsNevermore: I agree. I don’t think she is happy there and I’ve had her here for weeks at a time because she was going through something and needed my care. But when asked she says that she’s ok there. I’ve always given her the option to be wherever she’s happy and as she gets older she’ll make her own mind up more and more. Her dad says it’s not up to her yet though.

Obviously your ex likes to be good cop and wrongly thinks that will make his life easier.

It depends on how civil your co parenting set up is but I'd be tempted to suggest the three of you sitting down together and explaining to dd that when she's unwell she will still need to go to school when she's at dad's and that she's to tell dad what's wrong, ask dad for medicine and a lift to school and if she's really sick in school then someone will come get her. Just the same as she does at your house. I realise you shouldn't need to do this because he should be capable of parenting responsibly but evidently he's not so this might be a way to hold them both to account so you're all in the same page. Then if you get phoned in future you say we'll we talked about this stick to the agreement, and if he undermines you to your dd you address it with her and say remember when we made the agreement? We all should have stuck to it .

Sorry just read your update op. Can see why this might not work.

He is not to blame because you can't stay no that is on you

Thanks Lavender14 for your thoughtful response! I would love to be able to sit and talk through what’s best for DD but that’s unlikely.