DS13 tells dad everything’s ok but always gets upset when talking to me?

[TabbyMcTatsCat]

This evening had another night like so many; I’m confused and frankly fed up with it.

I got home after DH and the kids, and asked if everyone was ok-yes all fine.

Go for a dog walk with DS who says no school was awful-boys in his year were laughing at him when they had a football match-and that they always do. He says they say he’s crap at sport. (His school is becoming increasingly sporty and DS seems to have fallen by the wayside as new kids have joined as sports scholars). He then went on to say how he feels trapped at this school, and that he’s unhappy but can’t go anywhere else because local state is like a prison according to his friends. (There’s literally 2 schools within an hour of us -one poor state and one private that he attends).

I feel I always end up having this conversation with DS, and DH never gets anything except it’s ‘all fine’. I ask DH to check in with DS and he says he does but I don’t know whether he isn’t probing or if I’m probing too much?

When I offer to speak with school, or offer solutions, DS always shuts down and gets angry/walks off. DH then comes in and says let’s talk about it another day and then we’re back to square one again! I literally feel like I’m going mad sometimes! DH says I’m reading too much into it all but I don’t feel he asks enough! Meanwhile nothing changes for DS!

You are your child’s safe space.

Could he be using you to vent? What would happen if you listened and reflected back (‘that sounds really rough’ etc) rather than offered solutions? Maybe he needs to figure it out in his head so he can deal with it better.

is it an all boys school? Is there something he feels is different about talking to other boys/ men versus talking to his mum?

I’m a counsellor at a children’s charity.
Honestly, never underestimate the power of just listening. You are a safe place, and if you listen, and ask open questions, give him ideas to think about, ask what he thinks about solutions (without pushing them), you are empowering him. When he is ready, he will suggest changes, and in the meantime he knows you are always there to support him. Really often we just chat over stuff, ask how a child is feeling and the number who say they feel better just for being heard, and understood, is surprisingly large. Make sure he knows this isn’t his fault, and that laughing at him isn’t ok, and you’ll support whatever he wants to do unless you feel he isn’t safe.

The DH thing: he doesn’t feel safe talking to DH. Maybe because he will say ignore it, or he doesn’t listen, or he insists on doing something-whatever it is, that’s what you might try to find out. For example you might say, I’ve noticed if dad asks about these things, you don’t say anything. What would you find helpful from dad?

im glad your son has someone he trusts to talk to.

I agree that you’re his emotional safe space. Children have different relationships with each parent- both of mine talk to me about their feelings far more than they do to their Dad. Poor DH tends to look like a deer in the headlights with emotions, he doesn’t know what to say.

It sounds as if your DS really doesn’t want you to talk to the school right now. Have you asked him whether he’d like to improve his football skills, is there a local club he could join ( outside school)? He could also make non-school friends that way and I’ve always found it good for my teenagers to have a few friends who didn’t go to the same school.

DS doesn’t offer up much info it’s only when I ask and generally I have to dig a little, not a lot, but ask like today I said “so what exactly wasn’t great about football” after he’d said it wasn’t great.

its a mixed sex school but definitely boy heavy and it doesn’t seem like the two mix much.

Thank you. I shall try empowering him. Thank you. I think you’re right that DH doesn’t properly listen. I feel he doesn’t properly listen to me too!