2 months PP and falling apart

[PinkCrab]

I’m not really looking for anything in particular I think I just need to write it down.

We’ve been blessed with a very easy baby who rarely cries and sleeps well. She has a predictable routine so getting out the house has never been an issue. Parenting is split 50/50 as she is formula fed so I am getting plenty of time away from parenting to recharge. Night wake ups are split too so luckily we are well rested. All the things which should make parenting a breeze.

Except I feel like I’m falling apart and I shouldn’t be because we seem to have it easy compared to others. I can barely stand to look at myself in the mirror but exercising is leaving me feeling physically broken by the evening, but at the same time I know it does wonders for how I feel mentally so giving it up feels terrifying. I feel completely invisible to everyone, my birthday went by with so little interest other than to ask after the baby. When I say I don’t want to do something because it feels overwhelming I can feel the judgement as I have no reason to feel that way and I know I’m disappointing my far more confident and laid back DH. I want to have it all together and be doing a good job and from the outside looking in I am, but inside I’m crumbling and I don’t know what to do or how to fix it.

i know the usual lines - hormones, be kind to myself etc, and i am really trying and i would give anyone else this advice but i just can’t listen to it myself.

OP it took me well over a year to start exercising again! No matter how 'easy' your baby is, becoming a mum is still the biggest adjustment there is in life. Hold your head up high. You have a happy, healthy baby and you won't always feel like this.

What exercise are you doing?
Have you spoken to any one in RL?
It is hard but it does get easier.
Your whole life has changed and that takes adjustment. Give yourself more time, and yes your hormones are still changing.

I’m also 8 weeks pp and ebb and flow between feeling positive and like you describe. I think it’s normal!

I’ve been introducing exercise but starting very small eg pelvic floor exercises with an app, making sure I’m getting out for a walk with the pram each day and recently started doing some core strength exercises. Could you start small perhaps?

Christ, stop exercising! Sleep! Shut yourself in a dark room instead. No one is bloody exercising at 2 months pp. You need to rest and eat and sleep and shower. With my first, I wasn’t managing to brush my teeth daily until 6 weeks. It’s a huge life change. I would not rush trying to get back to normal before a year. I certainly didn’t feel like myself really again before my eldest was 2.

Thank you, I know I am lucky that she is healthy and so happy and that these feelings will pass, it just feels overwhelming right now.

Haven’t spoken to anyone as I don’t feel able to because from the outside we’ve got it easy and we’ve got it together. I’ve seen a women’s healthy physio and I have a coach who I’ve trained with for years so I am doing all the right things so to speak. It’s a huge part of my identity and if I lose that I feel like I’ve lost even more.

@twoforwardoneback @mindutopia exercising is a big part of my identity and I was so proud of myself and what I was achieving before pregnancy and even prouder of what I continued to do while pregnant. To now feel like it’s doing me more harm than good at times is having a huge impact on me mentally. I am being very sensible under the guidance of a coach and a physio so nothing extreme but it’s like I need to do it to feel like I’m doing well at at least one thing right now. I’m fully aware of how ridiculous this sounds writing it down, trust me, and I’d be saying what you’re saying to anyone else in my position. It’s like a constant battle in my mind and it’s exhausting.

How have you felt since writing it down?
Your feelings are justified - your body is not a machine
If you got hit by a car, broke both of your legs you wouldn't expect to be running a marathon 2 months later. Hormonally that is what is happening inside of you a car crash - but daily.

Take it easy and remember back to when you first started and building up. Be proud all over again - look at it as rehabilitation for your body.

The over shadowing at your birthday is hard. Happy belated Birthday 🎂 🥳 🎉
Next year you will see most people and family at baby's first bday, if you choose to do something - we went for a big family meal.
That way you can get all the baby talk out of the way then - I did.
My DS is 18 days before me, I remember my first bday after he was born, it was all baby talk a people meeting him for the first time. I just happened to be there.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so invisible, life with a newborn can leave you feeling this way. I found people only ever spoke to me about the baby and I felt I was losing my identity. It’s such a huge adjustment, and impossible to really predict before you have the baby. I found it helpful to hear it’s normal to need to grieve your old life before welcoming in the new life, and also to know there’s no expectation to enjoy it all.

hang in there, it does get better x

@PinkCrab If exercising makes you feel more connected to your old self, do it. I started back with pilates or yoga once a week as soon as I got the all clear, as well as endless steps with the pram. But it took much longer than I expected for my core to recover (eg to be able to do a plank even briefly!). Be very, very kind to yourself physically.

As for having an easy baby - that doesn't change the fact that a bomb has gone off in your life! I would watch the clock for my partner to come home and THRUST the baby to him and send him straight out for a walk so that the baby would sleep and I could collapse. This is probably the hardest thing you will ever do, it's normal to be overwhelmed and it's NOT the same for you partner.

That said - it will get easier. Around eight weeks the baby can tell night from day and sleep starts to improve. You get a break from constant cluster feeding for a bit. The baby has their first vaccines, and it feels more achievable to do little things, like check out a baby group - not for the baby, but for you to talk to other adults. Or you can take the baby to a coffee shop and they will nap while you read your book. Plus the baby is getting more alert every day and starts to interact with you and that makes it more rewarding.

Thank you, I have felt a bit better after writing it down, it has helped me organise my thoughts. You are right about next years birthdays so I really appreciate that forward look!

This is definitely part of it - I don’t have conversations now which don’t somehow relate to her. Obviously she’s a huge part of my life and it’s inevitable to some extent and I love talking about her, but having no other topic of conversation means it starts to feel like there’s nothing else to me any more, like any previous achievements or parts of my identity have vanished in other peoples eyes and it’s hard to not then reflect that internally.

Maybe start a journal then,
I was once told paper is patient

Good Luck OP, and be proud of what you have achieved, one day you maybe as crazy as some of us out there - and decide to have another one, two in my case 😆
I only have two hands 😳😂

I completely get how you're feeling. I'm 6 months pp and still feel rubbish about my body, flabby everything, stretch marks. I still feel like randomly bursting into tears all the time.
This week we went away to a cottage for my birthday and 1st mother's day. It's been booked since November and I was so looking forward to. The day we arrived she came down with this awful virus and all my attentions gone on her. My birthday and first mother's day was brushed to the side and we've hardly been anywhere all week. My anxiety is through the roof worrying about her, I've had hardly any sleep and I have moments when I just want her to be someone else's problem but then instantly feel awful thinking that because I love and adore her.
You're really not alone and all you're feelings are valid. Even when everything is perfect. Talking about it is the best thing to do.

I’m so sorry that this is how you’re feeling. It’s reassuring to know I’m not alone but I wish neither of us were dealing with this! I don’t have the answers (hence this post) but sending solidarity and reminding you that your sadness is totally valid xx

Hang in there 💕

This was very much how I felt with our first. I can also empathise with wanting to exercise - I started again at 6 weeks and felt much better for it. Ignore those who don’t understand this need and shame you for it. Like you, it’s part of my life and an aspect I wanted to reclaim. The newborn stage is really really hard, and can be really really lonely. This isn’t talked about enough but it’s no surprise really given the total 180 you have to do in term of identity.

It will get better, even though it doesn’t feel like that right now. Keep doing the things that make you feel better, even if it’s tiring. Try and make time for you and your husband if possible (babysitter could be an option given you’re bottle feeding?). Consider reaching out for mental health support if you think it’s needed - I had some input from our local team and found it very helpful. Get a routine going to get yourself out the house each day, book on to some classes if you haven’t already (doesn’t matter what - it’s getting out and having social contact that matters). If money is tight there are usually free or very cheap mum and baby classes at local churches, libraries etc.

I went back to work at 6 months which was the best thing for me. I think I’ve thrived as a mother since to be honest and enjoy it more and more with each passing day. Each to their own though, not right for everyone of course. It really will get better, just hang in there and ride this wave for the moment.

I understand you OP. I am a former professional athlete and if someone forced me into a chair I would go mad. It is totally normal that it is part of your identity, especially now as you are adapting to a new identity as a mother.
Do what you think you can do, no pressure.