3 year old does not speak to anyone other than family

[primroseandsunshine]

Hi I’m really concerned about my 3 year old. I’ve looked into selective mutism and done all the techniques religiously for over a year.

basically my 3 year old has been speaking since 9 months old. She is very articulate. She has been able to hold solid conversations since very young and understands everything. The issue is she will only speak to her me and her dad, her siblings, a fair amount to my mum, a little bit to my dad and a little bit to my parents in law. But that’s it. She says nothing and I means nothing not even a wave to any adults or children anywhere or in any circumstances. She attends activities every week since she was a baby with the same children and adults and still is not able to even manage a wave. We meet up with our group of friends every week and the other children all interact and chat and play but my child will happily run around and play and join in with activities but will not say a word to anyone.

she has been in nursery for 2.5 hours a day since January and still has not said a word or waves or anything to any adult or child there. When she comes home she tells me all about it and says she loves it. No issue about going in she can’t wait.

What can I do? Is this something I need to speak to the GP about? Do I just wait and see?

I would wait and see how she is when she starts school. But my autistic dd didn't communicate with other children/adults outside of our home. And even then it was mostly when she wanted to and limited. When she started at school I had to tell them she doesn't talk much at all.
This was 12 years ago and I was told by a health visitor it's probably because I did not talk to her enough at home . So obviously being first time mum I felt awful and believed them.
Even though I would talk and sing(badly) to her all day .
Thankfully her school noticed right away something was not right and she got a few things diagnosed quite quickly .
Which shows how bad things are now as getting anything like autism diagnosed takes years

@Starlight7080when she was at home would she chat away? Sing etc? I’m the same as you with talking all day long, singing, reading etc

and my 3 year old has a really good attention span she can play for ages at each game? Is that a sign of autism ?

also she often says pardon and I have to repeat what I’ve said to her maybe three times but her hearing has been tested she has perfect hearing ? I’m wondering if there is some processing issues going on?

So sorry for all the questions but as you have been in a similar situation I need all the advice I can get.

I had selective mutism as a child I spoke to my mum,dad, sisters and one friend. I just grew out of it tbh. But even now if I feel uncomfortable or on the spot I lose my words. I was diagnosed with asd as an adult. My son who is autistic speaks with our family but other than that he will answer basic questions from teachers/extended family or look at me to speak for him. He’s nine.

what did hv say at her two year review? Does nursery have any concerns? You could refer to speech and language as they may have techniques to encourage speaking in front of others.

The saying pardon could be a processing issue like she needs time to take in and respond to what you said. But has her hearing been checked?

Auditory processing disorder, for the needing that time to process. I have it. I'm autistic and have adhd.

My youngest wouldn't talk to anyone except me mostly. Needed a 1 to 1 at nursery as a baby. She's autistic. Speech delay and dyslexic too, but she chats away to her friends and teachers now at 14.

Both of my children, my partner, and me also have issues with experiencing muteness/ a lack of being able to verbally converse, or converse in any medium at times. All of us are AuDHD.

@autisticbookwormwhat do you find helps you? Is there any techniques you feel help you?

health visitor said nothing other than she’s hit all her milestones early and she was happy with that. At 27 months she was tested by the children’s hospital as she had a horrendous birth so they gave her a 3 hour exam. Her results were 94% but she had zero % for the speaking section as she was not able to even wave. I will look into speech and language therapy today. Would I need to go through the GP?

yes hearing has been tested it’s perfect apparently

@glittercunt. Funny you mention dyslexia I am dyslexic and have been told it can be hereditary so I think I need to keep an eye on that. Gosh it’s a minefield isn’t it I will have a look at AuDHD also today

My dd was the same at 3 and was SM. She is in 6th form now and talks just fine everywhere now. At 3 things reached a peak and at one point she only spoke to me (poor dh!). Dd had epilepsy as a child but otherwise is I would say young for her age but not abnormally so in my family and doing fine. There are lots and lots of things you can do to help her. I think it’s just anxiety and not something to get too het up about.

Many years before dd was born I spent a happy half hour making the juice and biscuits with a small 4 year old at playgroup while my own small person had an unexpected nap. We returned to the main hall to find every adult aghast as she hadn’t spoken outside the home before. I expect I just gave off reassuring mummy vibes and of course we were new to the group so I didn’t realise and probably just chattered on as you do.
I would play making videos together, with puppets, doing plays, singing, sending joke to Dad and then to other members of your family. Pre recorded is really helpful because there’s no worry beyond pressing send. Go very slowly and get the other people involved to not make too much fuss. Can she talk on the phone to you from one room to another when there’s just you at home? Can she talk to Alexa?

My 4 year old was the same. We sent him to a private nursery from 3 and he just refused to speak, the most he would manage is nodding or shaking his head. However something just switched in primary school and now he does talk to his teachers but only in small settings. He does talk to his friends but will never be the one to approach them first and he still refuses to talk if other adults he deems as strangers are around. He did meet a lot of his milestones late but hes caught up now. Hope this gives you hope.

There might be something else going on, as pp said, but I'm curious—how are you as a parent when she's around others or other kids? I have a 3 years old who is a bit shy. It took her a long time to interact with other children (physically, she was always fine, but she was shy about speaking) and even longer with adults.
I feel like many parents tend to take over their children's speech—when an adult talks to the kid, the parents answer for them. Like ordering food in the restaurant- parents order food and drinks for their children even when the child is more than capable of doing it themselves. When we go out, my 3 year old orders for herself. If she wants apple juice, she knows she has to ask politely the waiter/waitress, or she can't have it. I know many mothers think this isn't right, but it works for us.
She's the only one at her nursery who says 'bye-bye' or 'good morning' to the nursery staff—all the other children just walk in or leave. Parents do not even tell them to say something. It took us a long time, lot of explaining/practicing, but she's got there in the end.
Children often needs a little push- especially the shy ones.

I was a bit like that, hated when strangers spoke to me when I was out! I was just a bit shy and grew out of it.
The worst thing you could do is try to push her to speak, just let her do it in her own time. 3 is very young still so wait and see how she copes when she starts school

Speech and language varies in my area you can self refer but probably ask gp. The techniques that help are things like preparing replies in advance and anxiety techniques. For now I’d focus on keeping conversation relaxed and easy.

We joke that if you don't tell my dd something atleast 3 times she will do something completely different or think we said something we didn't.

I don't know if that's because of her autism. I used to think she just daydreamed a lot and so missed alot of what was going on around her . But she also has sensory processing disorder. So may be a mixture of lots of things .
When she is interested in something she will definitely talk my ear off about it.
When I take her to a doctors appointment she will only communicate with me or with her hands . And will quickly get overwhelmed and upset.
It's something we have worked on for years now . But conversations with anyone outside of immediate family are a huge struggle for her . She just can't seem to speak . Like a mental block.
But she is smart and funny and kind and polite .
I would just mention it to as many people as you can who may be able to help.
When mine was under 5 I was so easily dismissed as a clueless mum . As I suspect so many parents are .

my DD refused to speak to any of the adults at nursery for a few months because they were pushing her to talk and that made her shy. She is now a chatty teenager with no ND issues.

back off and let your child speak in her own time - she will be fine.

My 3 this month son has started doing this he had started chatting at nursery but has now stopped. I visited my mum on Sunday with him he is fully used to them but didn’t say a word the whole time and led his dad away into another room to whisper can we go home now. Have been googling selective mutism too and starting to get concerned

Thank you everyone for your advice. I’m 100 percent not pushing her to talk or on her case about it and my older child orders things in restaurants etc. She will pay for things in the shop she just won’t speak at all. I mentioned yesterday
at pick up to the teacher that I’m a little concerned about her not speaking and she asked if I would mind waiting while she goes and grabs the SEN teacher as she has been wanting to speak to me too.

long story short both her teacher and SEN lead at the school feels that she is showing some signs that she is in need of an assessment and that early intervention is key here. They gave me some forms to fill in and then they will get the ball rolling. They also run a play therapy session on Mondays after her nursery which they want her to attend this week with some other children. So fingers crossed we can find out either way and then go from there.