3.5 year old in pants, but having lots of accidents. Am beginning to despair, please give me hope!!!!

[charliemama]

My lovely bright, articulate 3.5 year old DD knows that spiders are also called arachnids, but seems unable to tell when she needs the toilet. We finally bit the bullet about 2 weeks ago and insisted that she wear pants, which she is pleased with. The problem is I have to tell her to use the toilet otherwise she just messes her pants. She doesn't seem to mind and will spend a long time with pooey pants without telling me. I have tried a sticker chart. She likes getting stickers and prizes, but still seems unable to tell me she needs to go. She has said to me that she 'didn't feel it coming'. Can this be true? I actually nearly cried today at her second pair of pooey pants because I am worried this will never be cracked.

Pput her back in nappies and tell her that she is too big for swimming nappies but when she can get all her poos in the toilet you can take her swimming and have fun. Then don't worry about her, except to periodically remind her about how much fun swimming is

can you just leave her with nothing on her bottom half for a couple of days? leave a potty around for her. If this doesnt work I would put her back in nappies and try again in a couple of months. Its just too much stress to try to train them if they are not ready

I am really reluctant to put her back into nappies as we felt part of the issue was her having had a baby brother and not wanting to grow up. (She actually says she doesn't want to grow up, too much Peter Pan methinks!). Swimming isn't easy as it affects her eczema. Thanks for the advice though.

When in the garden I often leave her with nothing on waist down. BTW she is dry at night .

I had a similar problem with my dd when her brother was born. She would bring the potty in while i was feeding and sit on it in order to get me to stop and empty the potty. Then she tried going to the toilet and missing so I'd have to get up and clean it up. I got round it by completely ignoring the behaviour. I would leave the potty and the mess and clear it up later without saying anything. She soon gave up and the mess etc stopped.

I'm sure it must be so frustrating for you but if it were me, I like to think that I would go back to the nappies, forget it for a month or so and then try again.
I know this is a bit different but my first born was a late walker and I used to get really stressed about it until I was reminded that eventually it all levels out. The late walker is an early reader, the early crawler is late to get any teeth, the last one out of nappies will probably the first one to learn her 5 times table.

Not helpful advice I'm sorry but maybe something to think about.

I don't think she's messing for attention. I am just not sure if it's laziness or if she really can't tell whe she needs to go. There have been isolated incidents when she has unprompted asked to use the potty. She asked today saying she needed the toilet, but then didn't do anything!!

I think my dd was nearer 4 before she got pooing sorted! There was a thread on here a while ago which gave really good tips on this - I'll search it out.

I'm worried that it will demoralise her to put her back into nappies. She seems to have grown up a lot since she's been in pants. She is so capable in other areas. I worry about her because my half sister had problems for years, and I wonder if there is something in her genes which means she can't feel the sensation of needing to go. My half sister is dyspraxic and I am pretty sure DD isn't.

Maybe she feels she'd like to stay as she was before the new baby came so although she is probably ready she doesnt really want to do it. You could try pull ups so if she asks you can get her on the toilet. If it was me I would leave it for a while until she really shows an interest but I know it must be frustrating.

Thankyou for all your replies. IThe thing she is showing an interest. She is really proud of herself when she uses the potty and said today she doesn't want to wear nappies again. What is driving me bonkers is that everything is there for this to work and yet it isn't.

I'm really sorry, I can't find the useful thread, but from what I remember a lot of it was about staying completely chilled and not stressing when your child has had an accident, waiting for her to tell you she's dirty and then very matter of factly dealing with it without any criticism (not saying you're doing this, but I understand how frustrating it is).

From what you say though, it does sound like your dd can't tell until it's too late. I think toilet training is very strongly linked to heredity, it's possible she's just a bit later than average on that front (nothing to do with intelligence of course!) Is there a particular time of day when she often goes? Could you suggest that as a 'potty time'?!

My experience with my nearly four year old was that he was suddenly potty trained a couple of months ago. It's the same as everything with babies - they do it when they're ready, don't worry. Just keep trying and staying calm (hard I know!).

Thankyou for everyone's advice.
Justabout I guess my worry is that there seems to be a discrepency between her general abilities and capabilities and her inability to stay clean. Of course I will continue to take her and hope that eventually it all falls into place. I am staying to stay chilled, but she is having on average 3-4 accidents a day and some days it gets to me more than others. I know you shouldn't compare children but my own point of referance who went into pants a month before he turned 3 and has only a few accidents since.

Sorry last sentence made no sense!

My only point of referance is my DS1 who went into pants just before he was 3.

Charlie my DD is 3 and has been in pants since 1st Jan, but has numerous accidents every day.She can't seem to hold it in, she doesn't seem to realise she needs a wee until she starts and sometimes I think she just doesn't want to stop what she is doing to go. I have put her in nappies for long journeys (and at night) but have just left her in pants and got on with it. She is getting there slowly. Sometimes it just takes a long time.

Thankyou scattyspice that's what I needed to hear - that DD is not the only one who is taking a little while!

I think you could be right justabout. DD was very slow to stand and walk (didn't walk confidently til 2.5!) I'm sure there is a link (something to do with muscle control perhaps).

TBH DD is about a year ahead at my estimate in language and 'academic' skills. She walked at 12 months. So it did strike me as odd that her toilet skills to be 'delayed'. I had also been sold the myth that girls are quicker and easier to toilet train than boys.

I am trying to be more relaxed and trust that it will happen (whether I stress or not!). I have adopted the approach of getting her to sit on the potty/toilet about every 2 hours. This has cut down on the wee accidents, but it is still hit and miss with poos (more miss tbh). She is still dry at night which amazes me.

I know soon I will be looking back on this and thinking what on earth was I worrying about!

Sorry should have read 'seemed to be delayed'

I just wanted to post and say that in the last couple of days DD has got it!! I hope this gives some hope for those of you who are embarking on or in the middle of potty training. DD now asks to use the toilet and is dry at night. Hooray!!!