4 year old overwhelming friends

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Hiya - really looking for some advice from experienced Mumsnetters.

I have a lovely 4 year old boy who has a huge imagination, loves books, needs quite a lot of attention and physical closeness (we're working on this!), is confident with strangers and very talkative.

He has grown up with 2 friends (a boy and a girl), and has been in the same nursery for the past 3 years. He is happy at nursery, and has 2 or 3 friends that he's delighted to spend his days with. But I'm noticing some social traits which put together seem to be causing some issues.

He is: a) quite physical (enjoys rough and tumble play but not pushing or hitting), b) not great at respecting personal space (we've been working on this quite intensively and are seeing some results), c) overly affectionate in quite a clumsy way, and quite overenthusiastic.

This means that when he sees his friends it's a combination of running after them/hugging them when they want space, playing physically in a way that they're unhappy with (chasing and bashing into them etc.). They are always happy to see him but are in tears every 5 minutes because of something he has done - sometimes because he has crossed a line (I intervene of course), and sometimes because they just have different energies.

My question is - is this a problem (i.e. is he going to annoy everyone at school in September)? And if so, any advice on handling?

Thank you!

Having different energy levels is fine - we're used to seeing all sorts of different children. Hugging people when they want space, and chasing then bashing into them is not and will cause problems. He needs to learn quickly to respect other people's space and that no means no. He needs to know exactly who he can rough and tumble with, and who he can't. I.e. daddy and uncles fine, other kids no. If he can't distinguish, you need to stop all rough and tumble play until he has learned.

This is very similar to my DD. Sorry to say that she is now 6.5 and only just really learning about this. Like you we’ve worked on it loads. Now I notice that this sort of stuff happens most when she feels insecure. Like if she feels a friend ‘pulling away’, she gets up in their face trying to win them back. Other than going over why it’s not cool and what she can do to calm herself if she feels upset or insecure, I’m at a bit of a loss. The worst of it has passed though and she’s not upsetting people all the time thankfully. I spoke to school teacher about it and she reinforced the messages we were giving.

Oh and when she was around 4 we used a cute book called ‘Harrison spacer, personal space invader’ (I know!) and I did laugh when she showed it to her friend and said so innocently and enthusiastically ‘look, this is what I do to you!!!’. Interestingly she is more rough with this friend than she is with others, she has known him the longest. I think it’s hard for her to understand when I say that while some kids will smile, they may still be uncomfortable. Other kids are very overt and tell her to stop.

The approach in this article would most likely be helpful (click "Download PDF") and although it's published in an ADHD-specific magazine, I think it would be helpful for any child struggling to gauge appropriate social interactions.

https://chadd.org/attention-article/how-you-can-be-a-friendship-coach-for-your-child-with-adhd/

This was a really helpful article - thank you :)

We also have Harrison Spader! :) And it really has helped with the personal space issue I think... until we he gets over-excited during a legitimate game and then the different energy levels kick in. Have you found other kids have been put off by your daughter's behaviour - i.e. has she found it difficult to make friends?

What does he do when they cry? Does he realise what’s happening, why and apologise?

It sounds like you’re doing all the right things and thinking about how to help him.