Pissed off at comment from relative

[Flazidah]

I am just wanting to rant really to get it off my chest.

I have recently been told of a comment a relative has made to my DH which has pissed me off.

I’ve a son who is nearly 4, he recently had a virus and was quite poorly with it, temperature/shaking. Relative who saw DS at the time has said to DH that it might be because he was breastfed till he was 2 and that it was unnatural for me to have done so it so long. DH straight away said to relative that they disagreed with them.

I was of the view that when DS was born I’d see if I could breastfeed but bought a steriliser/bottles just in case it didn’t work out. It did work out but at times it was bloody hard, I was happy to keep doing it but when he was near to 2 it would usually only be first thing in the morning and last thing at night and one day he just stopped.

The thread isn’t really about the breastfeeding to be honest, it is the fact they thought it was acceptable to have said the comment in the first place, just out the blue, no one was even talking about breastfeeding. Essentially they might as well have said, DS is poorly and it’s your fault.

It’s not the first time said relative has given their opinion on our parenting when we’ve not asked for it. And I’m also a little annoyed with my DH as I wish he’d just not told me at all.

Am pissed off because relative has shown on multiple occasions that they don’t have any respect for me or DH as parents. It’s really impacted the way I think about them and the relationship I have with them. Have sort of lost a lot of respect I had for them which is sad.

Obviously you breastfeeding until he was two did not have an impact on how he was so poorly. Evidence suggests breastfeeding significantly boosts immunity. You know this but just to remind you.

This relative has made comments before. They will make comments again. You can reduce contact with this relative, which is always easier said than done. Or you can just accept that’s how they are, they will always have an opinion and it’ll always be negative. You just don’t engage with it. Any time relative says something you or DH respond with “that’s an interesting observation”, “thank you for your insight”. It just needs to be a neutral reaction, no debating, no trying to persuade just that’s their view and it’s different to your view. Have a collective eye roll at them. You don’t need to respect them. If it still bothers you, then this is about them. The only way to deliberately keep going out of your way to disagree with someone about their parenting choices is because there’s something going on in their own life. Probably reflecting on their own parenting choices.

Thank you. I actually really like that idea of just responding neutrally. I think I’ll drop it into conversation next time it comes up as DH’’s first instinct is to rise to an argument.

And thank you for the info about the breastfeeding, you are right and I do know that it has no bearing on DS’s health. I think it was more the fact that they thought it acceptable to make that type of comment in that way. I am just not the type of person that would be so openly critical of someone else’s parenting choices.

I have actually really distanced myself and it is due to repeated behaviours like this. I think that why I was a bit annoyed with DH as even though I’ve distanced myself I still ended up hearing their shite. But I didn’t show it as I think DH was venting as he had felt annoyed himself.

I feel a bit of guilt as I had an idea in my head of the type of relationship I wanted with said relative and it’s not the reality but it is all their doing so maybe I should stop feeling guilty and as you say just accept that it is a them problem

You should never have to justify your choice of how you feed your child! That relative should have kept their uniformed opinion to themself. It doesn't matter that what they said is nonsense - it's the fact that it was bloody rude.

Thanks @OtterMummy2024 you’ve summed up exactly how I was feeling. It’s just another rude, judgemental, unnecessary comment from said relative in a long line of similar. I think it’s pissed me off more as I remember it being quite difficult at times in the beginning with all the hormones and cluster feeding, sleepless nights and I can’t remember a single time said relative asked how I was doing, it was always about the baby and their time with the baby. So it felt pretty hurtful that they made a comment like that even though I knew it was a load of bollocks they were spouting. Breastfed or bottle fed it’s bloody hard work having a baby!

Your relative needs to learn more about breastfeeding.

And they also need to learn that opinions are like penises- fine to have, not fine to wave around unsolicited.

@Lavender14 love this! Am feeling much better now

Sounds as though it's your MIL. It's widely known that breastfeeding provides the best immune system support for babies and toddlers. You can start a bingo card of things you've done the relative doesn't approve of and cross them off one by one as the snarky remarks are made.

@Needtosoundoffandbreathe
You’re not far off, it was my FIL. The irony is he hasn’t actually had kids of his own, he’s DH’s step dad. So literally talking out his arse!

Unfortunately MIL is similar. It’s sad as my parents got on with both their PIL and I used to get on with mine pre kids but ever since I got pregnant they just went weird and regularly overstep boundaries. I only see them at birthdays/Christmas now.