Logistics - Co-Parenting with un-cooperate ex - Driving children around!

[ConflictedHedgeHug]

Am I being small minded?

Not seeing the bigger picture?

Uncaring and pointlessly petty?

I don't think I am, but we all think that when we're sure we're right... even if in actual fact we are not correct, in the right, or it's more complicated that we care to accept or acknowledge.

This brings me to my little question...

Separated parents and logistics. Who drives who. Where does one parent drive and where does the other and when?

My specific situation is as follows:

I am a step parent / partner of a parent with 2 children.

I have little to no input at the requirement / demand of all concerned - so that's how it is whether or not I like it. It's not by choice or for reasons based on reason, but more so based on the hatred of me by this ex parts which has been at length beaten into the children also by the ex. I will not digress further.

Children mostly live with my partners ex. Not by her choice, but through the manipulations of him, and due to her leaving him for a multitude of reasons which she cannot share with the children without bad mouthing him... and so much time has now passed (2 years+) that it'll just sound petty most likely, and like trying to get at him.

Their movements are ad-hoc. Sometimes they stay with us, at little to no notice, when this happens all things are dropped to cater to them.

They're 16 and 18 the children.

The ex partners house is 20-25 mins away by car. Public transport due to being rural isn't an option.

One child does after school / evening activities. After which or before, she'll come to us for food and whatever else. She's then dropped to the activity.

There is an expectation that it's 'fair' for this same child to them be picked up by my partner and dropped back to her ex.

It sounds minor, but it's just being a taxi, and not even to her own place of residence. Of course she then also needs to drive back, and there's the associated agro, waiting around and general unpleasantness of returning to the property at which she used to live, still half owns and receives nothing for, and that whole mess which we won't go into.

Not once in this 2+ years has the ex taken a child to an activity then dropped them to us. In fact he has actually only done a drop off or pick up at our door 5 times total, usually making them walk at least several hundred meters from the house or be dropped to a convenient to him location as he can't face coming to the house. Of course he shares this all with them, so they're accommodating of him.

They are not accommodating of any delay or plan change when it comes to my partner, their mother. She gets it in the neck for anything and everything - usually nothing at all other than just wanting to shout.

Regular screaming banging tantrums from 16YO. Which is a real treat, and a further digression. They're spoiled, entitled, angry, grumpy manipulative and totally unashamed. They expect and their Mum must deliver or else the threat of them not seeing her is levied.

Anyway...

Logistics.

Do you drive your kids to your ex partner, and pick them up from there, on a regular basis?

It seems to be 'normal' or more 'common' for people to be in charge of getting their children to and from their own place, when they're staying with them. To use your ex partner as a taxi service on the face of it if you're the one saving an hour of your life, fuel and just getting a good time of it then it's great. If you're the one doing the running around to save the other one time for literally zero benefit, it's a pretty rough deal?

I freely admit to this not being my area of expertise. I only see it as an outside observer, and want to understand how others approach it.

Is it reasonable to do 50% of all driving of a child regardless of where they start and stop?

Some might believe it is? Others less so.

I do know if the shoe were on the other foot I would suggest we would be responsible for collecting them to get to us and stay with us. I wouldn't expect him to do that, and if she was trying to engineer that it would seem at best cheeky and would suggest maybe don't do it - but that could literally just be me!

Please put me straight knowledgeable folk - any and all input is welcome.

Thank you!

I think at 16/18 it’s up to them to be sorting their own lifts really. Your partner can just say ‘no’ to picking them up from an activity and dropping them back to the ex’s. Teens can then sort their own lift.

At 16 & 18 it’s up to them to decide where they live and to sort their schedule out

DD is 5 so slightly different. Her Dad picks her up from school on his weekends and drives to his. I then pick her up to come back to me (I read somewhere it suited younger children not to effectively have an hour's worth of a 'goodbye' in the car). I do all the running around in the week.

When you say running round in the week, that's running to and from activities, between school, your house and the activities, or some of those taking DD back to Dad's?

Two people say it's up to them to organise themselves... if their technique is to simply demand their mothers collects them and drives them to their fathers house, does that count?

I mean for them it's free, easy, and they know it works.

If she gives a suggestion of saying no there's either insta-tantrum of some kind, or threats of not seeing her or coming to our house again until she gives in.

Of course if my partner was happy to say fine, suit yourself, you're on your own that would be easier, but she wants to see them and be with them and anything to restrict that time with them isn't something she is prepared to even chance considering. They of course know this and milk it for all it's worth and then some - very possibly not consciously but emotionally they know there's no consequence and they are fine with taking the easiest route to get what they want.

That's taking DD to school/activities etc. Occasionally we've swapped or met half way if there's an issue with a car. I have offered midweek for tea or similar but he would probably need to come to her and do something locally just because of bedtime. At the moment he hasn't taken me up on it. Travel time is ~an hour. If DD were to do a midweek overnight I'd perhaps see if he was prepared to meet half way just to avoid the 5am start.

If they live with their father, only seeing their mother sporadically through the week, doesn’t she welcome the time spent with them in the car? Even if they’re ungrateful (which teens are) it shows them she cares about them, regardless of how much their father slags her off.

Look at the bigger picture.

Me and ex lived 30 miles apart.. Dc mostly chose to use public transport.. I gave lifts to school 2 mornings from my end. School was at his end. Ex did zero trips. Ever.. Imo you do zero lifts and leave it to the actual dps... But pandering to bratty bloody teens isn't doing them any real good.

You'd think that. A rational person would see that as entirely logical.

The reality is the time spent in the car is either headphones on, or being pretty grumpy.

It's a strange old dynamic they have.

The other slight irony / frustration is that the school and all activities are 5 minutes from us. 20 minutes from him.

We don't live in a hovel, they do both have their own rooms and a den / playroom / games room.

They also have a servant in the shape of a mother to wait on them hand and foot when they are about, so not exactly slumming it, but that is me digressing from logistics again. Sorry!

and yet they live with their father. Either because they don’t like you (possible - you clearly resent them) or their father has manipulated them into living with him because he’s an abusive wanker. Either way is pretty unhealthy for them emotionally. If the reason they live with their father is the latter, then their mother needs to communicate to them, in actions not just words, that she loves them unconditionally. Giving them lifts whenever they want, regardless of their lack of appreciation, is how she can do that. And she is right to do so.

Oh and teens being ungrateful for lifts, sitting in a car with headphones is entirely normal btw.

Fair. I actually do not resent them, but I do strongly disagree with the attitude and behaviours. This causes some friction between their mother and I as you can likely imagine.

Sadly her ex was abusive in some of the worse ways, which she cannot for that reason communicate.

She gave him the benefit of the doubt that despite their differences the best interests of the children would prevail. Regrettably this has not proven to be the case.

I have tried hard, given much, but since they decided to play the 'him or me' card regularly in terms of they'll only see her or do anything if it's just them, and will not say a word to me when in the house and any attempts by me either fall on deaf ears or are thrown in my face I do tend now to just keep myself to myself and let them get on with it in the hope growing up will help matters.

So while objectively by any measure not the reason they have issues staying with their mother I am an excuse, and that's really all they need.

She can leave and get her own place... but his does not resolve the issue of being his taxi, if indeed it even is an issue!

If you live in a place where teens don’t have access to public transit, decent parents accept they must serve as a thankless taxi service.

The ex in this case is not being a decent parent, but the mother is stepping up and doing her duty.

my husband and I have largely freed ourselves of this role by paying for driving lessons, a car, and insurance, the second dd became eligible. She now drives herself most places. We just cover some of the trickier or longer drives that she isn’t quite ready for as a newer driver.

Such things have been offered.

It is easier to get her to do it however. Perhaps I can suggest that this option is suggested again.

A slightly fit human can cycle between places in 30-40 mins, or with an e-bike a chunk less. With a car obviously we know, but that will take effort to pass tests and learn - which isn't really their MO.

I do understand it's a normal thankless task, I remember it from my younger years and have learned a whole new appreciation for my parents and have told them as much.

Parents of all flavours are amazing beings generally.

Ones who don't hold up their end of things do not cover themselves in glory.

I have no added my partner is full time working.

Her ex is 'between jobs' although has an income from a side hustle / small business so isn't either scraping round or desperate but does enjoy a large amount of free / spare time.