Not getting ready

[creativebee001]

My child ( 10 ) has never been an early riser and will not get ready to go out of the house no matter where we are going. We reach late sometimes other times manage to just reach in time. It is the same no matter what time of the day it is. School, clubs, outings it is always the same. I have tried rewards, punishments, shouting, timetable, timers, watches, clocks, alarms does not seem to help. This has always been the case and not something new that started recently.

The issues as I see are:
Not getting out of bed
Getting of the bed but not getting changed
Reading, playing musical instruments, chatting with sibling and doing other things but not getting ready to go
Getting angry and not listening and hitting and kicking when I shout or even speak nicely and ask to get ready.
Not listening and talking back is quite normal.

This is causing an unnecessary rift between us and I am not sure what is the cause or how to fix it. The sibling is not at all like this one at all.

What is the current routine suppose to be? Could it be changed around? Have you talked to him calmly about what routine could help him? My 10 year old needs like 15 minutes to wake up before breakfast and can’t function until after breakfast, if I wanted him to go in the bathroom first it’d write off the whole morning. Are there any punishments for being late or is he just making himself late?

I'm a night owl and really struggled with mornings until I got my lumie alarm clock. It does sunrise and it has made such a difference to me being able to wake up alert and functioning but do still need coffee and breakfast before I can cope with life!

What's the night time routine like? I have to be quite strict with myself and go to bed around 10 rather than midnight like I would like.

I was fairly similar as a child (except for the shouting/ hitting response you describe). I'm diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and this reaction was explained to me as functional freeze. What did work as a child was my parents simply not taking me to e.g. the club or activity if I wouldn't get ready, so I missed out, that was a good motivation for the next time. I realise that's more complex if they need to go to school.

There is no set routine for now though I generally advise her(dd) to wake up, brush, breakfast/get dressed.
Punishment is usually no time to read/ play instrument but that never works as I find her sometimes doing all this right after waking up.
Taking away books/ whatever it is she is doing makes her angry, causes arguments and kicking and fighting.
I wake them an hour before it is time to get of the door if they have not woken up by that time themselves.

Night time routine is brush, she reads books all by herself and then goes off to sleep mostly as soon as she hits the bed at around 9 pm
I can try the lumie alarm clock to see if that helps. I do open the curtains and switch on the light when it is time to wake her up.

Thanks @itsnotagameshow. I guess I could try that on a club that is of her liking and see if things change

It would be good to try that I think. That way her behaviour brings about consequences that only affect her directly if you see what I mean. So her decision not to get ready means she misses out, so if you were matter of fact about it she also doesn't get the reaction from you. Good luck!

I agree that it makes sense to let her miss or be late for club when that only affects her. If you've got two adults available, I would potentially take that a bit further and, say, one parent and the sibling who is ready head out on a family day out and the other stay with DD whilst she gets herself sorted – she can join later when she's ready, assuming it's the sort of activity where that's possible.

The flip side of that is that if it's something she's genuinely having difficulty with, you obviously want to support her to develop the skills required as well as let her experience some natural consequences. At a point when you're both calm and there's no immediate 'getting ready' looming, I'd sit down and have a chat about how she feels about this, what she thinks might help her. I'd try very hard to come at it from a point of kindness and curiosity, since you want her to open up – what is she feeling and thinking when she has to get ready, how does she feel about being late or being rushed, does she have any ideas of what might help?

Personally, I would also look at having a routine around getting ready, same steps in the same order as far as possible – reduce the amount of thinking required! I would also have a routine for getting ready clubs and things like that. We find it helps with making sure all the necessary kit is packed and that she goes to the loo before putting on her swimming costume, etc. Depending on personality and/or how her brain works, it might help her to have an actual list in some form where she can mark off what she's done and see what to do next.

If you asked her to do a couple of unrelated tasks (not related to getting ready!), could she do them all, or would she forget or get distracted? Something like 'please put these glasses in the kitchen, put your PE kit in the laundry basket, and ask Dad if he's seen your jotter.'

Id have a clear morning routine they gave to follow,put it up as a list on the wall,and there is no books/TV etc untill right ready.have all the stuff they need,uniform school bags etc ready the night before.cut out anything in the routine that's slowing them down-shower night before etc, breakfast on the way etc.

At that age mine had nothing but books in her room and a tick list on the bathroom mirror of what she needed to do in the morning. Both night owls, both ADHD. Sometimes you need to input some routine or structure. At 10/puberty they are losing 49% of their grey matter and basically become toddlers again. I saw something the other day that said “you’re not a parent, you are a child’s frontal lobe during this period”.