MIL & weaning

[CJ98]

We’ve been weaning our daughter for a few months now and I have to admit I really struggled for the first month or so to get food into her and was sticking with pouches and jars of food as I found it really easy, however recently we’ve got ourselves into a routine of giving our daughter whatever we eat - sometimes she might have last nights leftovers, sometimes she might just have something quick and easy that we have in the freezer like a jacket potato (without the skins etc). My MIL asked us recently what our daughter eats & we were open and honest and said she pretty much eats anything which she does. She told us that whilst she has our daughter she’d start feeding her more than milk which we were extremely happy with.. however we’ve recently found out that the food she’s been given has literally been some rusks mixed in with her milk to make porridge & she can have this at any point in the day. As she’s a mum of 4 I thought she’d have come to realise that whatever she has for tea she’d be able to give our daughter and we thought she’d have given her more than just rusks.
How can I make sure that my daughter is being fed properly whilst with my MIL ? Do I just send a jar or pouch of baby food just so she’s having something other than rusks ?
I completely understand that it’s hard and we struggled but surely just feeding her rusks isn’t good for her. We know she makes homecooked meals because we’ve been to hers and eaten things like cottage pie, bolognese, chilli con carne, roast dinner etc and so we’re confused as to why she isn’t feeding our daughter properly.
Am I being ridiculous for complaining considering a few months ago I weren’t feeding my daughter correctly due to the fact I struggled.

Just tell her things have changed since she was a mum and it’s on for DD to eat normal food.

you don’t need to ‘complain’. Just have a nice chat.

rusks and mush is what she was taught to wean with

It doesn’t sound like you’ve actually conversed about what giving her food at MILs would look like. When I drop kids off at the in-laws, I’ll say: here’s their bags, I’ve packed XYZ so you don’t need to buy snacks, DS drinks Xoz of formula every X hours, they’re fine with fruit and you can give them what you’re having for lunch too. Have a nice day see you later.

Sounds like you’re both trying to guess what the other person should do / be okay with. Just be straight up… it doesn’t need to be cryptic.

I don’t think you need to “complain”, you can explain that babies can now have a little try of anything. My MIL had 3 kids and my mum 2 and they were still freaked out by BLW and didn’t like to see the baby gagging, so whenever they were looking after them they would give a pouch or some melty sticks.
I thinks it’s really easy to over think weaning because there’s constant information being pushed from social media about food charts and meal ideas about what baby should or should not be eating, but try to not worry too much.

We packed some snacks a few weeks ago for our daughter as she’s only 8 months we don’t have much to give her but we packed some weaning wands & like bags of sweetcorn rings that places sell just so she was eating something. She came home with everything we sent her and she’d not eaten anything because my MIL had just fed her rusks. We’ve told her that our daughter is basically going 5-6 hours without milk but she still insists on giving her 6oz of milk every 3 hours but then complains when our daughter is sick. We couldn’t be any clearer, we feed her breakfast before she goes to my MIL but then when she drops her off she tells us she’s fed her porridge and then milk. She only has our daughter 10-6, during that time at home our daughter might have had one bottle of milk around dinner time and then she’ll have tea around 5. When she goes to my MIL she’ll have had two rusks mixed with milk & then two bottles.
We told her that she can make our daughter a bottle around lunchtime and then whatever they eat for tea she’d be able to make our daughter a small bowl and just feed her (our daughter prefers spoon feeding a tea time but dinner time is all about self feeding). As this is what we do at home… I just feel like whatever we say she just doesn’t listen. 😣🤦🏼‍♀️

That’s what my thoughts were, I was so freaked out as a first time mum about what I should feed our daughter as every website said something different. We started her on jars and pouches of food and slowly introduced food that we ate & reduced the jars and pouches. I’ve said I’d be happy to put a jar or pouch of food into her bag and if she wanted to feed her that I’d be happy. I have so many “snacks” for our daughter that she could take but she never gives them to our daughter. We’ve ever told her that when she sends leftover food to our house like chilli con carne, cottage pie, bolognese etc we’ve fed it to our daughter and she’s been happy with it. We’ve preferred spoon feeding at tea time & breakfast but we allow our daughter to feed herself at dinner time if we have something in for her. A lot of time we give her fruit or something that she can feed herself , although we have struggled to find things to give her for dinner time.

Well, not feeding a baby is a whole different issue especially as it sounds like she’s not having milk at usual feed times.
If baby is at MILs only a couple days here and there, having just milk is not an issue but she needs to ensure she’s still having this every 3h or whatever schedule your baby is on. Don’t worry about the ‘real food’ too much, weaning in the first 12m is just to help your baby learn how to eat and swallow and try new tastes - ‘it’s fun’. Their main source of nutrition should still be milk. So whilst it’s great that your DD is so comfortable with food, it’s not an issue if she goes without scheduled weaning meals here and there throughout the week.

My DS is also eight months, he absolutely hates savoury food so he’s nowhere near as good as your DC when it comes to weaning, he prefers fruit pouches, yoghurts, anything sweet basically! But I’m not worried, he still gets his three – hourly milk so I know he is fed and getting all the nutrition he needs. His tastes will change over time.

How often is your DC at your MILs?

If it's everyday/several times a week you need to provide a written schedule of when to give milk/food and quantities, and the food you want her to eat eg a tupperware of a portion of your previous night's dinner to reheat, or some sandwiches etc. If she is providing child care, perhaps you need to be looking for an alternative provision.

If it is only the odd day, every few weeks, you could try the same approach, but as long as she is getting her milk and you give her breakfast and something when she gets home, it's probably not an issue.

Write out her meal plan and send everything you want her to eat all packaged up in lunchboxes. It can't go wrong if you spell it out for her and send the food. Sounds like you hadn't really communicated exactly what you wanted before now. If she disregards the actual meals and plan you send, then that's another issue. But for now make it really clear, written down and all the food to hand.
I think my DM/MIL would find it tricky if I said 'just give DS whatever you're having' as they may feel they need to cater their own meals to suit him. Easier to just send DD with exactly what you want her to have😊

If she’s looking after your DD then just send her with the food you want her have during the day.

This

Back in the day, this is what people did. She probably just doesn’t really understand what you want her to do.

If someone was looking after my child, I wouldn’t be expecting them to cook for them though. Send her with whatever you’d feed her at home (last night’s leftovers, toast with a pot of hummus, plain pasta some peas and a bit of grated cheese, whatever). Just pack her a little lunch that requires minimal prep.

Send her food MIL can heat/reheat and let her spoon feed DD (as you sometimes do, so DD won't be confused)

You sound very kind and mindful of your relationship with your MIL.

In your shoes, I’d probably approach it this way.

Start with appreciation:
"Hi [Mother-in-Law’s Name], I really appreciate you helping out with [Baby's Name] two days a week—it means so much to us. We know you have a lot of experience with feeding babies, and we trust you, but we wanted to share some things we’re focusing on right now with [Baby's Name] and her nutrition."

Provide gentle information about nutrition:
"As she’s getting older, we’re starting to introduce more variety to her meals to make sure she’s getting all the nutrients she needs. Right now, she’s ready for more protein and some different textures, so I’d love for you to start adding some soft, mashed foods like [suggest some protein-rich foods like scrambled eggs, lentils, tofu, or chicken], and maybe some mashed veggies like sweet potatoes, peas, or carrots.
We are happy to pack a few things for the next days you are taking care of her, if you want to know/see how we normally do it at home?

Most mashable foods, cooked without salt, that you normally eat for your tea/dinner, can be mashed up and given to her.”

Offer support and flexibility:
"I know that she’s already loving the porridge/rusks, so we can still keep that as a small part of her meals, but we would like to start incorporating more variety when you’re taking care of her. If you ever need any help with new ideas or preparing the meals, I’m happy to help too!"

End on a positive, collaborative note:
"Thanks so much for understanding. We really appreciate all the love and care you give her!"

I think you want to keep her involved, but just give gentle guidance. Good luck with it all.