I am failing and I am terrified.

[Tree97]

Hi, so I got out of an abusive relationship (non physical) in ocotber so I'm a single mum of a 9 Yr old girl. She's been very argumentative recently. Today is mothers day and she was screaming at me for seeing my mum all afternoon with her because she wanted a 'chill day'. I'm also horrible and she hates her life because I said she doesn't have to put her clothes away tonight, she can do it tomorrow after school. My main concern currently is actually one about me. When she was yelling at me, she told me that she fell out of bed the other night and hurt her head and she came in to me and I wouldn't wake up. She said she was crying and wiggled me and shook me and I didn't wake. She also said this has happened before. It really scares me. Yes she could be dramatising or trying to say more things to upset me but I am genuinely worried. What if something really bad happens and I just don't wake up? Like, why didn't I wake up to her crying and shaking me? I don't stay up late. I wake up to my alarm every day no issue. I sleep well but I do got to the bathroom in the night once most nights.

I am genuinely at a loss. I haven't used mumsnet before and this is very long so I'm not expecting a miracle but I just needed to vent!

Take back the control op, because you've obviously lost it

How dare she speak to you like this???

Am I right in assuming your abusive relationship was heavy on the being shouted at and put down all the time? Seems like your DD is obviously unable to deal with how it's all affected her so is taking it out on you using what she's witnessed as the way to do it. Have you tried talking to her about how she's doing since the split?

Oh 100% lost control of her. She will be absolutely fine then suddenly explode. School say it's hormones.
And yes the relationship I left was him manipulating me, telling her not to listen to me, that she's the only one who controls her life (which yes she is but now she is saying she doesn't have to listen to me because of that) and he would constantly yell at me and put me down and tell me I was wrong and use all of my money so I'm not crazy in debt. I don't know how to regain control. She will help when she wants and is an angel 80% of the time but recently just flips like a switch!

Is he her father?

Would you consider play therapy for her? She is equally a victim of abuse.

Not bio but we got together when I was 2nd trimester so she knows no different. She knows he isn't her real dad but she has him on this crazy pedestal. After he hasn't reached out more than 4 times since Christmas to see her, I have officially cut contact completely between him and us.

She’s very damaged by the abuse. I really think you need to source good professional help for her.

I am seeking private counselling for her and she has nuture sessions at school, a special group she goes to for emotional support, in school counselling for her feelings and an open space to talk etc.

That’s all really positive,

It's a hard situation and she's been effectively abandoned by her father figure. I agree with pp that you need some external help to get through this together and process the extreme change you have both had.

Do you believe her when she says she could not wake you?

I believe she couldn't rouse me by crying as I fall asleep to noise. But I don't believe I didn't wake when she says she shook me. I'm very aware of touch and I could be nudged and I'd be awake. Shook, I definitely should have been. I have set an alarm for every half an hour tonight where I will check to make sure she is okay and asleep because I don't want to risk the small chance it is true

Make sure she keeps on going to the counseling.

The abuse she witnessed has had a huge effect on her.

I guarantee she did not fall out of bed, and the story about trying to wake you is not factual. However, you need to listen to what she's telling g you all the same. She is expressing a feeling of being alone and unsupported/ abandoned and with no confidence in your ability to take care of her/ be the grown up. You can thank the monster you both lived with for all of that.

I strongly suggest that you seek counseling for yourself. You should focus with your counselor on parenting a severely traumatised child even when you yourself are traumatised.

That's amazing, thank you so so much. Just talking about it and feeling heard has made all the difference. And I was so focused on her I didn't think about getting myself some professional help. Thank you again

If you're worried about being able to be roused you can speak to your GP about a sleep test. They can check for things like sleep apnea. Perhaps it would be good to get it done just for peace of mind?