Struggling with 8 month old baby

[BRL94]

Hi, first post here so unsure what to expect/if I’m in the right place!
I had my baby girl 8 months ago, it was a traumatic birth, I laboured in active labour for almost 40 hours at home, got rushed to hospital, was treated like shit until they saw my blood results and noticed I had sepsis. Had emergency c section. Baby was not well from day one, she screamed more than any other baby I’ve met (all family say the same thing, who’ve had/been around multiple children.) she screamed all day every day. I took her to hospital multiple times and was admitted with her but were never any clear answers as to why she was so unhappy (one was sepsis, another stomach infection, but other than that it was just “yeah she’s obviously unhappy but we don’t know why” I was quickly diagnosed with PND/PNA/PTSD. She was diagnosed with colic, reflux, severe constipation, milk intolerance and more. But people only ever seemed to focus on my PND and I was met a lot of the time by family members saying “oh babies cry it’s normal” until they spent more than an hour with her and couldn’t cope. My relationship was tested to the extreme. I felt like I was going crazy. Following that my employer was really discriminating, telling me I shouldn’t come back to work (I was looking forward to carrying on a career) and ultimately I was forced into resigning. My best friend called social services on me, I’ve known her for 20 years. They dropped the complaint within 24 hours as they could tell it was complete nonsense. She effectively called because I had depression. All that being said, 8 months on I am bonding w her and love her so much, she’s so funny and happy most of the time. However she’s still a “challenging” bubba at times! She goes through phases where she refuses all milk. This time is the worst it’s been over a week. She eats a lot of calcium in her diet but sometimes she even rejects food which would be fine if she had milk. She’s ill at the moment. Has a bad cold and is throwing up with mucus a lot. Today I’ve hit a really low point again, after genuinely loving life with her for the last couple months. I think they moaning/crying/ being unwell triggers my PTSD and depression. I feel like a terrible mother sometimes, I get overwhelmed and find myself saying “GIVE ME A BREAK” and sitting her in front of the tv for an hour. On top of all this I’m alone most of the time (partner works overseas for a month at a time) I’ve lost my career and a lot of friends. I don’t really know the point of this post, I guess just some reassurance that my journey hasn’t been easy and it’s ok to feel this way? Anyone else been through anything similar? Thanks so much xx

Oh lovely I wish I had the words to help. I can relate to a lot of what you've said, my first was a colicky screamer (I'm still genuinely amazed I went on to have more), DH worked away a lot and I struggled with my mental health for a few years after having babies. The sleep deprivation especially with a colicky baby is brutal, your brain cannot make the chemicals it needs to create a feeling of happiness if you are not getting enough deep sleep.

Everything people will suggest will sound futile and clichéd but it works. Getting fresh air when you can, finding opportunities for self care in whatever way works best for you, taking every opportunity to socialise and get out of the house even if it is just a baby group. I did also need antidepressants for a couple of years which I'm no longer on. Those things won't transform your life overnight but they will help you get through these tough days one at a time. Then before you know it your crying baby won't be a baby any more, you'll be able to chat with them and do actual fun things with them and they'll be doing things that surprise and delight you.

This too shall pass.

I have no helpful advice to give, but just want to say that that sounds bloody hard going. I’ve got 6 children, my youngest is 9 months, and I would be really, really struggling in your position. Sending love and sympathy! Keep going, you’re doing incredibly well to manage to be a loving mother after all you’ve been through so far.

Just wanted to say it sounds like you are doing an amazing job! My DH went away for a week and I was alone with my baby and it was so tough! You're super woman doing it alone months on end, especially with a challenging baby and recovering from the birth. Sending big hugs!

You sound a lot like me. I had a daughter who screamed pretty much permanently from 3 weeks to 17 weeks 16-20h a day with feeding aversions and a real difficulty to feed her at times.
at 17 weeks she was diagnosed with severe silent reflux and food allergies she ended up with over 20! This wasn't the end of our journey but after we started looking at allergies and on higher dose reflux treatment we started to have good days and bad weeks. By 8 months she was on 3 reflux medication in addition to the highest possible dose of omperazole, as much gaviscon as could get in her she was also put on domperidone. Slowly as we identified more of her allergens we had more good days and and bad times went from weeks to days. From about 10 months we had mostly good days but it took until 13-14 months until we identified all of her allergens and 17 months before we were in a symptom free space for her reflux although it has gone in and out of control since then.

That's my daughters side of the story. My story is developing post natal depression and psychosis at 3 weeks. I'm bipolar so high risk but my daughters screaming which started in her first week but took until 3 weeks to get more persistent. I was nearly admitted to the mother and baby until at about 10 weeks but we tried some different medications, I did a compassion focused therapy course, had a baby massage course with a member of my HV team, I was referred for therapy for bonding with my daughter. The way my psychosis manifested was that I didn't believe that my daughter was real. I think a big part of it was that I was struggling with her being real and how challenging it was having her screaming all the time. Unfortunately for me the treatment didn't help and at 10 months I was admitted into hospital to try different medications and to access other therapy. I was in for 10 weeks which managed to start getting my depression moving in the right direction although I was quite depressed when I left. I went from mat leave to sick leave and then did a phased return. I was back working 4 days a week at 14 months using annual leave and formally part time at 4 days from 15 months after having a flexiworking request accepted.

I would be speaking to someone about your companies actions as I feel that it's possible that their actions were discriminatory.
What support do you have? If reflux is suspected what medications have they tried? My daughters reflux is stubborn to treat and only responds to high dose treatment. Have other allergies/intolerances been explored?

You're not alone feeling this way, I can relate. What support have you had for your pnd? Where I lived services would support women up to 2 years post partumn and I had great support and met other mums in similar position. I made a couple of really close friends at one of the groups....seek advice from HV as to what support is out there.