My son is nearly nine. His constant lack of cooperation is wearing me out. He pushes back against almost everything we tell/ask him to do - homework, getting dressed, leaving the house, etc. He’s incredibly argumentative. He will argue black is white and up is down, and trying to persuade him to do something always invokes a very angry reaction from him (usually shouting and tantrum-type behaviour). He absolutely cannot be reasoned with, even when he’s calm.
He’s gone against the grain since he was tiny. Wouldn’t sit on a potty. Wouldn’t even join in with clapping, singing etc even in baby/toddler classes. He will do things, but only on his terms (one day he just started using the toilet himself for example).
I’ve long wondered what’s going on e.g. additional needs but he is compliant at school and doesn’t complain too much about going. He does struggle a bit academically but not massively. He likes going to bed at night, which is the one time at home when he is pleasant company and content.
I have a good relationship with my husband and we generally parent in the same way, though I’m probably less patient. He doesn’t have any siblings and I wonder whether he is lashing out because of a lack of child company, which he does thrive on (he loves playing outside with a neighbour’s child).
We have tried everything we can think of, both carrot and stick. We’ve tried praise and rewarding good things, like a rare win with homework when he’s actually tried and done it, but he really doesn’t seem motivated enough by praise (or even rewards) to change his behaviour, We’ve tried restricting things for poor behaviour instead. We talk to him all the time about his attitude to try to find out where it stems from. We’ve even tried anger management for him. NOTHING has ever worked. If anything, any attempt to talk things through enrages him and almost makes things worse.
I do know I’m not the best parent in the world. I’m premenopausal and so I do struggle with my temper after 10 failed attempts to get him to do something. Hence I tell him not to shout, but I can’t claim I don’t ever shout at him. I recognise the irony and damage this might do. But I still think his anger and lack of cooperation is disproportionate and is something ingrained in him that we can’t get to the bottom of.
Can anyone relate to having a child like this? If so, did you find a solution or something that made a positive difference?