Third child?

[Girlmom35]

Hi all,
My husband and I have been going back and forth about having a third child or not. I know in the end it's up to us, but I'd love some opinions. Here are our doubts:

We have 2 girls now, who will be 6 and 4 this year. If I were to conceive quickly - which I always have - there would be a 7 and 5 year age difference. I wonder whether that's fair to the younger child. The two older girls are close in age, have all similar interests and are best friends. Third child would not have a playmate close in age to grow up with. Does anyone else have this experience? How did it turn out?

I will be 36 this year, my husband is 42. We won't be as young and active as with the older children. I worry about the time when the oldest two leave the house or go to uni and the younger child will be left alone at age 13 with two older parents.

A final concern: the two girls each have a lovely big bedroom. We have a tiny bedroom left and no other options. No problem as a baby, but I do fear that the younger child might feel cheated as they get older.

The reasons why I do still want a third child:
I've always wanted a big family, but financially it wasn't an option. We both had to work hard and a lot of hours to make ends meet. My husband is about to receive some money from his parents, which would almost settle our entire mortgage. I would be able to work part time and husband could work 'only' full time, as opposed to 2 jobs now. This is what caused us to reconsider.

I love being a mum. I love spending time with my children. Nothing fulfills me more.

We've had 2 troubled pregnancy's before. Our oldest was misdiagnosed and told to be severely disabled with a genetic disorder, and would not survive. She came out perfectly healthy, but it cast a shadow of anxiety over the entire pregnancy. I was also very stressed and insecure as a new mum.
Our second pregnancy, my husband went through depression and spent the first year of our daughters life focussing on getting better. I ended up doing all of the childcare on my own as he couldn't cope. He's better now and has taken his place as a dad, and is wonderful. We've also been to counseling and our marriage has never been stronger than it is today.
I just feel like this third baby would be a healing opportunity for us to experience pregnancy and having a new baby without all the drama.

What would you do if you were me?

I have ages:
15
13
7
3 months old.

it’s amazing. The 2 older girls are like little mummies and love the little ones and help so much!!
they don’t need “playmate” close in age. They have that at school
go for it x

My DC3 was a drunken oopsie 🫠😂
I had DCs 1 & 2 (a girl and a boy) in quick succession and I was sure that would be it.
Both exH and I had a little too much to drink at Christmas 2018, forgot the condom and DC3 happened.
I was terrified at first of how I would cope with another baby when the first two were only 2 & 3.
But she arrived and slotted into the family perfectly. DC’s 2&3 adored her from the get go and that’s carried on as they’ve got older. DS and youngest DD are particularly close.
As for bedrooms, we now have a 4-bed house, but the girls still want to share and DS likes having his little room to himself.
If you can manage financially without having to make huge cut backs for your DCs you already have, then the financial question isn’t a big one for me.
I guess the question is will you regret not having another baby?

Ps… I think you’ve really thought it through & considered everyone which shows your a loving responsible couple / family. Honestly why not. Enjoy. Don’t think too deeply. You find a way :)

The question is, do you want to put your 4 yr old into the position of being the one in the middle?

Go for it! My third is nursing as I type. I was in a similar position-we feel complete now she is here and only a few months in I can’t believe we even thought about not having her

I don’t think yoh could pay me to have a third.

I adore my two, but it has been hard! Also, I already feel the guilt knowing that we would have been able to give 1 way “more” financially than 2, never mind 3. (Better private education, more holidays etc)

If you love being a mum and want a big family I'd go for another two! That avoids the third one being left out because of the age gap etc.

You can't know that this pregnancy would be easy though. That's a silly reason to have a third.

Is there any reason you didn’t have a third sooner after DC2? Just wondering about what stopped you in the 5 year gap

It just wasn't an option in my mind.
I was working nearly 60 hours a week with a baby and a toddler (recovering from covid financial losses and also financially supporting my mum and gran who lost their income and homes due to a bancrupcy), and my husband was not working any less. We were also doing home improvements on our own, as we didn't have the budget to have anyone else do it, meaning I spent most of my weekends taking care of the children on my own while husband was doing work on the house. I couldn't imagine adding a third child to that.
In the past years, the financial gap has been filled and with the money coming in from my in-laws, things are looking very differently. So whereas I had always thought having 3 children wasn't an option, it's becoming an option now.

It’s a perversity of human nature, when life is levelling out, to tip the balance,
occasionally causing chaos, the law of unexpected returns.

Hi Girlmum35 did you come to a decision? I could have written your post. We waited 4 years to think about third after having first two close together. We had some tough life events and now feel like we have come out the other side. Some days I just want to enjoy the freedom and rest time we now have and other times I just can’t stop thinking about having another baby and how there is nothing else I could do with these next few years that would be as wonderful. Then we have a bad day and I’m back to thinking how would we cope… it was so hard before but a lot was down to circumstances out of our control that are no longer the case. I also worry about the child having additional needs, which we were lucky not to have first two times. Anyway, it would be nice to hear if you made a decision. We have made the decision to do it and then changed our minds twice now!

My baby is 21 months, my older kids are 15,13 and twins 10, its a pretty big gap but its brilliant, she is still very close to her older siblings who all love playing with her, giving her cuddles etc, my 10yo DD dug out all her dollies yesterday to play dolls with her which was really sweet, she hasn’t played with dolls for atleast a year lol when they all go off to school it gives us time alone with her which is lovely, and she gets so excited and happy when they all come home, she runs to the door hands in the air to be picked up lol, they each come back at different times so each time she runs to the door lol she has brought so much happiness and laughter to the house (not that we all weren’t happy etc before) its just different, hard to explain lol.
i was young when i had my older 4 i had finished having them in my early 20s and she was born in my early 30s and i have noticed im more tired than when i had my older 4 but she isn’t the best sleeper and i am also breastfeeding her whereas with my older 4 i tried and gave up, i would say go for it, the age gap has been brilliant for me and i wish i had left more of a gap with my older ones now lol xx

We did make a decision, and then came back on it.
We decided to give it a go. I still had (have) and IUD, so I had to make an appointment for a removal, which took a while.
In the meantime we contacted the nursery where our other 2 children went, because we loved them, and decided to reserve a place already.
Then they reached out and told us they had no openings for the next 2-3 years.

And suddenly that felt like a massive hurdle that we couldn't overcome.
I spend a few weeks looking at other nurseries. No places were available. That would mean I'd have to stay home for at least a year, and we can't afford that. Plus, we really couldn't imagine going anywhere else than the place we knew and the people we trusted.

And then we came to the conclusion that if having a baby or not came down to whether our favourite nursery was available or not, then maybe our mindset wasn't right after all. We talked it over and decided on not going forward after all.
Gyno appointment has since been cancelled and we're both making our peace with the decision as it stands.