DD anger and bullying at school!

[LostMum80]

My DD is 9 (10 in the summer) we are having big issues with anger. This has been an issue for about 2 months and it’s becoming a daily battle, she hits, slams doors, kicks doors, shouts, calls me names.
This is a new behaviour, she wasn’t angry/aggressive prior to this. We have been having issues at school with a couple of boys who have been physical towards her and call her names at school, also there is another girl in her class, who tries to trip my daughter up and laughs, we don’t feel the school are doing enough to tackle the issues. She dislikes school generally (she’s academically behind) and we’ve had battles lots of mornings to get her to school because she refuses to go, she has a couple of nice friends who she plays with. She tells me she’s ugly and fat (that’s what the boys call her at school). She is not fat and I think she is beautiful.
I strongly believe the outbursts of behaviour are linked to school and the bullying, she is neither aggressive, nor problematic at school, this behaviour only happens at home.
We are at a loss about what to do, we take things off her and then we have nothing else to take off her, we are calm, we don’t shout, but nothing is working. It’s affecting my mental health too.
Does anyone have any advice please? I am at breaking point.

We had issues with a boy targeting one of dd's friends and calling her fat, our dd trying to get protective then him turning on her as well. Teachers kept making unhelpful comments like "he probably just likes you" which really pissed me off tbh. She developed a few hang-ups about food sadly, but is now flourishing in an all girls senior. She made a firm decision not to go to a co-ed and has caught up well without the stress and distraction.

Personally I'd also chat with her and explain it isn't forever and you have spoken to the school. It's hard because they're pre-teens and getting hormonal at this time, girls especially. Can she do some martial arts class or similar to control the rage and refine her defences to give her a sense of control maybe?

Personally, I think the school are downplaying what’s happening, they’re calling it ‘silly’ behaviour, even though it’s outright, unkind behaviour and she’s been barged into and kicked in the leg twice. The angry behaviour is I’m sure a direct result of how it’s making her feel and taking it out on us at home, but we are carrying the brunt of that daily.

Yes, please get her to do karate. She'll be able to protect herself and be much more confident.

Hang on. You're punishing your dd for exhibiting response behavior to being bullied! Get yourself down to the school and sort it out. You are her advocate. You ring them every day, you state your terms to how you want the bullying to be stopped and your daughter protected and you don't let it go.

I am punishing her for being destructive and hitting me, I can’t tell you the amount of times, I’ve emailed and spoken to the school.

Also nearly forgot the most powerful tool - stopping whatever you are doing to listen (car on way home always a good place to ask how it was) and then not interrupting at all, lots of sympathy noises. Then say "it sounds like you really need a hug". I remember this really helping dd relax out of funks. Hopefully your dd will be the same and it won't escalate after that.

When she's calm, have you spoken to her about how she's feeling when she does these things, and maybe done a bit of strategic 'I wonder if it might be linked to the bullying you're experiencing at school?' She needs to feel heard and understood on this – she's going through something painful and hard to handle.

Only then would I talk about appropriate ways to express her anger. She's fully entitled to feel angry about the situation, make sure that's clear in what you say – but there are acceptable and unacceptable ways to manage that. Talk with her about some better ways that she would be willing to try. There's the classic punching a pillow, obviously, but maybe some quick sprints or intense bouncing on the trampoline or something else would suit her better. I think you can then have consequences for unacceptable ways of expressing her anger – but to be honest, I'd probably give her a bit of grace for a little while if she was genuinely trying to move towards acceptable options.

She also needs to know you have her back on this – it's not 'silly' behaviour, it's bullying behaviour, and it needs to be dealt with under the school's bullying policy.

It doesn't work that way

If she’s behind academically is there a reason? Has she difficulty retaining information, or concentrating? She may be teased if she’s not keeping up in class. Might be worth asking her teacher about any concerns, or extra help. Bullying is always nasty, and can have long lasting effects.

She's probably getting hormones and that's what's driving this behaviour

I’ve spoken to my DD about appropriate ways to express her anger, it unfortunately doesn’t work, when she’s in that moment. I have two older children and never had to deal with issues around anger, so it’s a whole new thing for me. I mentioned to the teacher that bullying isn’t silly behaviour and it was impacting my DD.

@LostMum80 You say she dislikes school generally and have battles with her over refusing to go. Has this come about at the same time as the aggression? I'm trying to clarify if they are linked due to her feelings over the learning in class or just about the boys behaviour.

School should have a policy about bullying. If it's not on their website, ask for a copy and follow the policy. It's usually class teacher in the first instance you raise it with, then if not resolved, contact the year leader, then senior leadership, then head and finally governing body - so you work your way up the scale of seniority.

Her feelings need expression, but she needs to learn appropriate ways to handle it. She and you can talk through when calm what strategies might work, and then next time you can try and direct her to it - this will take time for her to embed this.

I don’t know why she’s behind, but she does struggle with retaining information, her classroom is distracting and a fair few of the boys are disruptive.
I think it’s likely we will look at changing schools, I realise writing this all down, that it’s a big issue and it’s not acceptable that it’s continuing.

Unfortunately, you may find similar elsewhere regarding behaviour and distracting pupils.

If you feel she is struggling, and school have noticed issues on this, have you followed this up with the school SENDCO?

There are accommodations that can be made in class (task management board for one) so I'd be asking SENDCO about that.

See more info:

https://torbayfamilyhub.org.uk/topic/send-support-strategies-or-interventions-for-cognition-and-learning-needs/

https://www.wholeschoolsend.org.uk/page/cognition-and-learning

We certainly found moving to all girls helped and the catch up happened very quickly - stress is not conducive to learning and it sounds as though the disruption is agitating her.

Have you put it in writing to the school that your DD is being bullied, and it’s hanging a negative effect on behaviour at home? She sounds very unhappy, and I’m mot sure taking things away from her when she’s acting out is the way to go. Is she able to verbalise why she has been aggressive, afterwards when she’s calm?

Thank you, I’ll look into the information. I don’t even know who their SENDCO is and they’ve never mentioned anything about additional support, but they have a few children with various special needs, from ADHD to autism, to general behavioural problems, so it’s possible they just haven’t noticed, as she’s quiet.

She needs help not punishment.

I have emailed the head teacher and every time, the head teacher has called me, rather than reply to my emails.
She isn’t able to verbalise, she just says she feels angry and says she hates herself, she’s always apologetic and we hug, she is very loving and kind to me otherwise, she has never hit another child or anyone else, at school she is quiet.

I have helped her the best I can, I listen, I give her strategies, I’ve supported her and advocated for her at school. When she is being destructive and hitting me, I don’t feel ignoring it is the right thing to do.

Could you get in preemptively with some outlets for her emotions? She's coming out of school feeling angry and hating herself – could she do something to work off those emotions as soon as you get home (possibly after a snack)? Possibly followed by something calming that gives her positive feelings? Drawing, crafting, music, lego, yoga, cuddling a pet, whatever works for her?

I'm just wondering if something like that might get her in a better place to deal with the rest of the afternoon and evening.

I think you need to do more than just talk. Your DD is being bullied and her behaviour is that of a child at breaking point. Being bullied means you can’t focus at school, because your mind is trying to figure out how to get through the rest of the day without being beaten up or called names and humiliated….so grades slip.

I wouldn’t punish her either for being destructive or calling you names. She needs understanding and support from you. Every time you punish her, you are reinforcing the negative things the bullies say to her. She hates herself enough without you also telling her she is bad and deserves to be punished.

I would be looking to find her a better school as soon as possible.

I don’t tell my DD she is bad, I tell her it’s ok to be angry, upset etc, but she mustn’t hurt me, or be destructive to express her feelings. She has broken her door from repeated kicking and slamming, I’ve now got to try and replace that, I’m always calm, we always cuddle after and she says sorry and is often very emotional after and cries. My other two children are seeing it and it’s bothering them too. I also don’t want to be at the end of the anger every day, it’s wearing me down.
If we move schools we are likely going to have to travel because the schools within our catchment are full.

How are you and DD getting on, @LostMum80 ? I'm not sure when you break up for Easter, but hopefully that will be a good break for her from the bullying at school and will make home life easier, let you all get in some good times together.