Toddler does not nap at nursery - desperate

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My 14-month-old started nursery in January. So it’s been almost 3 months. Her naps there are awful to non existent, and I’m really starting to wonder when/if it’s going to get any better.

She goes full time, 5 days a week, from 9.30ish until 5. After a few weeks of the nursery trying to follow her routine from home, we agreed trying for one nap, which I understand they try to do immediately after lunch. She’s always been a bit of a challenge re: naps, such as liking a contact nap. Everyone reassured us that the nursery workers have seen it all and will manage to have her nap.

Some days, like today, she doesn’t nap at all. The way the nursery describe it, she’s just too interested in what’s going on around her and won’t settle. They have a separate room for sleeping, and many days they try for 1+ hour to get her to sleep. The most she’s ever slept there at a time has been 1 hour. Most days it’s 20-40 minutes for the whole day, and plenty of no-nap days.

As you can imagine, she’s a wreck. Comes home exhausted, crying, whinging, nothing can pacify her. It makes the evenings so difficult and I really dread them, which makes me sad as she’s otherwise such a sunny personality. I won’t even mention her nighttime sleep as that has gone to pot due, I imagine, to her massive overtiredness.

I’m just so worried about her. Not sleeping can’t be good for her development. I don’t know how she can carry on without any naps, and then when her nighttime sleep is poor too. The other day she was falling asleep during the 3-minute drive to nursery at 9am; they tried to put her to bed immediately after she arrived, but nope.

The thing is, I don’t know what to do about it. It all feels so out of my control. Things like sleep training, to help her settle independently, seem to rely on a foundation of decent-ish naps so the LO isn’t over or undertired, so I don’t know if it’ll work. I don’t know if it will settle - but if so, when?! It’s been 3 months and there’s been ZERO improvement: it’s not like she had some no-nap days initially, then started sleeping a bit and now it’s a case of trying to lengthen the nap. She still has regular days where she doesn’t nap at all, and the others are it’s 20-40 minutes, tops.

Please can anyone help with any suggestions?!

Have you had a proper meeting with her key worker to discuss this? Are you otherwise happy with her relationships with them?

I think if you’re confident they genuinely are trying and you trust them I think you might have to just accept it as there is nothing whatsoever you can do about it and if she wanted a nap, she’d have it. It is possible that she is just very early to drop her nap (I’ve known babies her age to stop napping) and she may just need to get to bed as soon as you possibly can when she gets home - not ideal but there’s not much else you can do.

I think I would try a bath when you get home with no toys or stimulation as bathrooms are instantly a place of calm.

She's going from the stimulation of the nursery to her home where there are her toys etc.

Then newly time and quiet cuddle time, again away from anything stimulating such as tv and toys and then try for bedtime. Perhaps a bedtime story that doesn't have an exciting theme.

Then I would try waking her up earlier so that come the after noon she may feel so tired she can't fight staying awake.

That's just what I think I would try.

My DD has been in nursery since she was 8 months, sleep has always been ropey, she has given
up completely since changing to a different room even though they try. I have just rolled with it tbh, there are days when she is just so ratty after nursery so solidarity there. I have given up now (she is 2.2) and just deal with whatever she throws at me when we get home, her sleep is great at home, naps and overnight so I count myself lucky there is at least that.

Tricky situation. Have they tried giving a bottle of milk right before the nap to make her full and dozy? Have they tried a dummy? Comforter? Sleeping bag from home?
My 13mo has never had a dummy at home but happily does at nursery and I'm happy to accept she needs it to nap there.
Could they try a buggy, if practical?

It’s just a phase you have to get through. They come home exhausted,
emotional wrecks. A bit of warm milk and a cuddle calmed my DC straight after nursery, followed by a quick snack, a bath if time then bed.

@PossumHollow I think we need to arrange a proper meeting. We have had some 5-10 minutes conversations with her key worker at drop off, but it’s hard when they’re so busy. I am happy with the nursery overall: she eats well, the staff love her & she seems to love them, she enjoys the playtime and activities (even too much!). Her progress/development reports are really good.

@Chuchoter we do try to give her a bath most evenings to help her wind down, then milk, stories and bed. This evening I think she was asleep even before I could put her down, which isn’t usually the case!

@BearyNiceEars thanks for sharing about your DD. If her nighttime sleep was better I’d feel a bit less worried. But it has been awful too of late. So it really feels like she’s not getting proper rest anywhere!

@HiCandles I believe they offer milk before bed; we certainly send a clean bottle in each day on that assumption. She has a sleeping bag from home that ‘lives’ at nursery. She doesn’t have a comforter; we’ve tried various things but she’s not interested in them. She has never taken a soother at home, but it could be worth trying there? Interestingly another baby in our NCT group started taking one not long ago after always refusing. Maybe I’ll send in a couple and see if she might take it.

@Lanifers I really hope it’s just a phase. But one that shows no sign of ending at the moment…

My DS1 was like this but luckily a bit older so it didn't impact him as much as if he was 14 months but it was BAD. I really feel for you and your DD. Our nursery didn't manage to solve it unfortunately.

Could you switch her to a childminder? Fewer children and a home environment could help? Drastic I know but it sounds like maybe that's what's needed.

@Givemepickles I had wondered about a switch to a childminder. While there would be fewer children and maybe a bit less mayhem overall, I do wonder whether a childminder would be able to devote 1+ hours to trying to settle DD, if they’re solo with a few other children? The nursery does have that advantage in terms of staff numbers. And as I replied to a PP, DD does seem happy there, the sleep issue aside. Her keyworker says she’s always happy, smiling and throwing herself into things. Some of our NCT friends have their LOs with childminders, and naps seem to be as much of a struggle there!

Mine would never sleep anywhere except her own cot or at her childminders. She would never have slept at a nursery. It would be too stimulating. She wouldn’t sleep in a pram either.

At 14 months DD was still on 2 naps a day which the nursery followed. She dropped to 1 nap around 15.5 months mark maybe it's too soon for the 1 nap?

My little boy is 16 months now and won't sleep at nursery either. He is also full time and I think too stimulated to sleep. It sounds like he gets FOMO and won't settle!

He is exhausted by the time we get home and ends up with a quick tea and bed. He's usually passed out by 6pm. He does mostly sleep through till morning though which I think is the difference here. Hopefully it's just a phase for her. I know how exhausting it can be and when you have work too. Sending loves!

I had one dc like this who never seemed to sleep and the answer was for the childminder/staff to use the carrier to get her to go to sleep. Worked great once we figured it out. Would they do that if you sent it?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow sometimes it feels like DD naps anywhere except her cot (and nursery). She will sleep in the pram, car seat, in anyone’s arms…

… but I think like @Proudmummy67‘s LO she gets FOMO and doesn’t want to miss out by having to sleep!

@FNDandme we did initially start out trying for 2 naps at nursery. When that wasn’t working, both they and a sleep consultant I was in touch with suggested dropping to one nap to see if it helped. She still has 2 naps when she’s at home, such as at the weekend or odd days off nursery. She does often need a bit of support to drop off for naps that aren’t in the pram or car seat though.

How do you get her to sleep at home? Does she have dummies and comforters to settle herself?

A couple of possibilities – would they try a well-timed buggy walk for a little bit to try and help her develop the habit of napping at nursery? I know our nursery says that buggies aren't supposed to be used as a main nap location, but that if a child falls asleep in one on a walk they don't lift them, and they're pretty pragmatic about what's in the best interest of the child overall when it comes to sleep.

Alternatively, do some of the slightly older ones (say 18 months up) all nap together on mats on the floor? My two were both tricky when it came to naps, but by 14 months they were clearly picking up on and following what the slightly older ones did. So we had them nap in the 'toddler room', where, miraculously, they looked at the other little ones lying down under their blankets and followed suit. They sometimes needed a little patting or a wee song to go off...but they napped!

Have they tried putting a big muslin or one of those blackout covers over the cot so she can’t see what’s going on? Failing that I think a baby carrier or buggy would be the best bet.

Does she have a nap at home at the weekends?

A big muslin or cot cover could be an idea.

As I said, the nursery has a separate room for sleeping in, where any child who still naps goes for their sleep. So she likely is seeing other children nap when she goes in there.

She does nap at home at the weekends. We will generally pat/shush her, which I understand is what the nursery workers are trying to do as well. The nursery brings them out for a walk each day but it’s often first thing in the morning, so doesn’t really work in terms of nap timings.

DH really insisted on them giving her the bottle before the nap when he dropped her this morning. We also sent a soother in. We’ll see what happens.

Your dd can’t yet self soothe. She has got used to be being pushed in a pram or patted/ shushed. It’s completely unrealistic that a nursery is doing this for up to an hour even if they say they are.

can you try and implement a different nap time routine where dd can learn to self soothe?

Mine never learnt to self soothe despite our best efforts.

She was later diagnosed adhd though.

Hi OP, my eldest did this. He wasn't great at self soothing and hated being in the separate cot room they had for sleeping. Eventually they started putting a little mat on the floor in the corner of the main baby room and he slept there. Once he moved up to the next room (where they all slept on mats on the floor) he was fine.

Some children just don't nap very well, at 14m my eldest would frequently skip any daytime nap and instead (luckily) slept a good 12-13h at night, by 17 months definitely no nap at all. However we did do long walks outside (for which she was awake).

Often the separate sleep room is only used for for the younger ones, and the older ones sleep on mats on the floor. Obviously that may not apply to your nursery, but that's why a couple of us have mentioned older rooms napping all together on mats. It's quite a different feel to separate cots, and the children can see each other much more. For some children, like mine and @SatinHeart 's, it makes all the difference, and may be worth a try if your nursery does have this set up for any of their age groups.