Help marriage breakdown feel child at risk alone with other parent help!!

[Isamummy2021]

WWUD !! Hi everyone I have posted previously about my concerns with my husband's lax behaviour with our toddler and other issues. My husband and me have been having problems for months, the truth is I probably shouldn't have married him but I was very much in love with him I still love him but the situation has become increasingly difficult. He has sleep apnea which has caused us to sleep seperate even with the mask he snores and it blows air he's had about 30 masks. He's extremely unhealthy in that I think he has binge eating disorder or some form of disorder eating. He literally eats everything sweet junk I can't buy biscuits or crisps he will eat the entire lot at once he comes home with bags and bags of junk every day sits eating before tea. He then usually falls asleep eats tea a large tea with bread and then perhaps 4 slices of toast later cereal drinks nothing but fizzy pop, he's very overweight I'm not bothered but health wise and impression on lo worries me he smokes a lot too all of which impacts the apnea he's not helping himself he eats when tired sugar crashes it's a vicious circle. He also buys lo sweets let's her have away at them before tea etc. keeps her quiet until it doesn't...

At weekend he does whatever the hell he wants he works Saturday has Sunday off Tuesday off having all to himself lounging about while lo at nursery at weekend refuses to come out with me and toddler if he comes to say the park he whines. He basically cannot be arsed parenting. When I had lo 1 week old and 1 week into paternity without discussion work asked him to work away all over UK no pay increase not in contract but he still went immediately leaving me with a new baby. I don't think I've ever really forgiven him for that. That went on for a year, the company collapsed anyway so it was pointless! no you've done a great job to me with our very demanding daughter. Just treat me like crap then too.
Anyway say on the Sunday I need to do a bit of cleaning as I work all week then lo all day Saturday he is meant to watch her Sunday morning, he falls asleep eating rubbish or sits on his phone can't even have a conversation with him due to his excessive phone use. He's only interested if it's something he likes, he's selfish he just doesn't realise what he's got/ had so today work call saying people called in sick what does he do go get dressed to go I'm like thanks what if I was out.. truth is I'm never out I can't leave him with her he doesn't watch her he falls asleep and she's not the kind of 3 year old you can leave for more than a min she's very hyper.so I just said hang on a min this is not happening why should I do it all again this is a cop out for you to get out of any looking after doing anything with lo. Now I understand these things happen but every week for the past months he's doing what he wants I am completely burned out and depressed my job is highly stressful I'm in a legal role, my house is a tip I have 0 time for me I have older kids and a dog too. He called me names today the other day he told me I was neurotic for telling him to get her down off the table before she fell . I said he was a bad person and I'm not being manipulated by him to think otherwise by the names he called me I told him I'm done with this I'm miserable we deserve better it's no life. I pay more than him miles more cover almost everything he earns more too. I cook clean shop the lot buy everything for lo. The only time I have anything different is on holiday even then it's stressful with him I'm a single parent really.

Anyway he's a shit dad basically, but lo loves him as they do he has a few nice moments when others are there or he's showing off. My worry is what do I do he's manipulative and I feel he's going to make out I'm nuts yet my concern is he is not capable of looking after little one on his own god forbid, I mean once asleep he can't hear delivery men fire alarm etc, he's too selfish to stay sat up and awake he just gets a blanket and slobs about all day this is why I stayed with him so I can supervise but I have just had enough. I asked for him to come to counselling months ago he didn't and wouldn't take me seriously.
Any advice appreciated what would you do re contact I do have footage of the sleep situation while he's meant to be watching her. My older kids won't go out of he's here alone say I nip shop they don't trust him either. He's a danger if say she stayed alone with him. He would literally be on his phone 24/7 and even on it while walking shop with her not holding her hand properly I'm literally worried sick. The thing is I trust my teens 💯 they are brilliant with her and really look out for her so I don't think I'm nuerotic I let others watch her his mum had her when I went away a few days etc off days if working late. it's only him I don't trust. Sorry it's long but would you refuse overnights and try and agree something like where his mum's there? I don't trust though that she won't go out she's a busy social life and walks dog loads so I do think she would be nipping out etc.😭 her nipping out from a walk is 2 hours! Strangely for context his mum is a health freak completely opposite to him. Thanks for reading sorry it's long.

Hi,

I’m not going to advise on what to do, but offering some understanding! My DH has sleep apnea, we sleep in separate rooms due to his CPAP machine. It took us a couple of masks and some training sessions to get the mask to fit and not always blow air out, but we’ve got that side sorted now.

The problem we have with this is that they keep tweaking the air flow cycles to try to improve things and every so often it blows air into his stomach instead of lungs and creates unbelievable wind. Incredibly smelly as well as painful (he spent a whole day having tests in A&E because of it at one point).

However, now it’s working, it does work. He still has an attitude problem about having to use the machine and still complains about being tired all the time; and even still falls asleep on the sofa if he sits down too long but he is definitely more awake and present when he’s awake than he was without CPAP.

The rest of your story is very similar as well. We put a lot of effort into his job during the first lockdown even though I’d just had a big promotion in my own job. He was then made redundant anyway so picked up the childcare instead of getting another job.

Any time he’s alone with our DDs (now 9 and 5, but this has been the situation for over four years now) he’s asleep at some point. I worry whenever he takes them out on his own, and he would rather be asleep than take them out anyway.

I posted on here once about being concerned when he wanted to drive them to the other end of the country on his own to see his mum and was jumped on for not being trusting enough and how I should celebrate time on my own for a few days!! No-one who not in this position could understand.

I know my DH wants to be a good dad, he just struggles due to the health issues. Lack of sleep causes misjudgement of risks, as well as being asleep on the job.

I appreciate that’s no help! I decided to stick it out and work out how to work around his problems but it’s a decision I question frequently.

Are you still living with him? It wasn’t clear from your post but I assume not due to the overnights question. It’s one of the reasons I’m sticking it out, because I know I would have trouble sending them off to him if we were co-parenting in separate locations.

Hi thank you it's good to talk to someone who understands. No were currently separated. I'm comprising in that overnights are to be limited and with his mum present so staying at nans together which is where he's staying at the moment and not leaving her alone with him she's only 3 I tried to tell him it's not a trust in him but imagine paying a carer who falls asleep were her protectors, he seemed to take it in, but criticise him or what he thinks it critical then he's so moody and will defend to destroy. He's agreed to a counsellor but I'm concerned to be honest the more I think about things the more I think he's a bit narcissistic.He has never once in 6 years apologise to me for anything he's twisted it all on me. So he buys a new car we can't afford no agreement he twisted it by saying I'm controlling. I'm not I'm concerned that a new car wasn't needed we need a new roof and the day before he was complaining about his credit card bills...I do love him no idea how but I'm all heart, but my concern is that he will get a counsellor on side quite the charmer that they won't see through him he charmed me at the start but did I wake up. But we have only been married 2 years of the 6. He's had about 30 masks nightmare he needs to keep going back though. Same as you I'm concerned if we permanently split I can't supervise but my mum says I'm wasting my life on him. He's selfish and manipulative. Mum says get a court order mum hates him. She loved him at the start too. But it's hard all round to know what's best I guess we stay separate and try the counselling/ mediation I can only give my side too.

Don’t worry about what your mum’s saying, she’s just trying to support you the best way she can. It must be really hard for her to watch.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think think your “wasting your life on this man” because what you’re doing is finding a way to co-parent that keeps your child safe and gives the best possible upbringing to that child. And your child will only pick up on tension if you’re worrying about safety on overnights etc, and it’ll be quite a few years until you can explain why (ie because daddy is ill and falls asleep everywhere so it dangerous to leave him in sole charge). You need to find what works for the three of you as a family.

Counselling is good. Any half decent counsellor will not take sides at all - but what can happen is that one side feels more “guilty” than the other when talking things through. Not necessarily the one who should be feeling worse either! Every story has two sides.

Counselling will also give you space to talk things through without opinions and solutions being given in return.

Sleep deprivation does strange things to people. I’m sure my DH doesn’t quite think things through normally because of it. We had a similar situation with a new car last year too. We did need a new car but we didn’t agree on the amount to spend on it when we’d just moved house and had bills everywhere.

Thank you we have discussed counselling tonight. I said I would want seperate bedrooms because I'm sleep deprived too,so I think it's best to both rest properly at least mostly. He wasn't keen but we lack intimacy now too because he's always asleep and I'm not happy. Currently separated as I said my worry is the environment when we're together it's like walking on eggshells. So I think your right probably both tired and irritable also. My mum honestly can't stand him because when we met and for quite a while I was really happy I met the love of my life, she liked him when he made effort, now she sees how he's very selfish doesn't put me or our child above his wants and needs ever. I guess before we moved in then it was great then things got really tough and changed, my mum has seen him binge eating comatose while supposed to be watching little one, binge drinks at times say every few weeks but it's like a bottle of rum 70cl to himself or full bottle Bailey's yuk! really does not help the apnea..sleep all day do nothing with us seen me get more and more depressed and I have no life outside my homeworking and family I used to have a social life and was a pole fitness fanatic can't go anywhere and leave him now, my mum is not a physically well woman she can't help my older daughter can occasionally but I don't like to put on her too much it's not fair , it's a single parent world with an apnea parent. 🥲 But I agree with you stay to monitor. There's still love but mixed with a lot of other negative emotions. Thank you again for your help.

Let me guess, you’re tired from having to do absolutely everything, all the adulting, all the thinking, all the childcare, but if you complain about being wiped out then he just reminds you that you “don’t know the meaning of tired”?

As long as you have good open communication with your oldest daughter then perhaps it won’t be so damaging to her to see and be able to help out. Obviously you can’t burden her with too much, but in an age appropriate way, I think she will benefit from knowing you trust her, she will benefit from seeing the reality of being in a challenging relationship and it will all help her to grow into a responsible young lady and help her with her own future life choices. And of course if she’s happy to help, then that helps you too, even doing chores alongside the oldest will help you spread the old and make it more “fun”.

Thats great that you managed to chat with him about it too. I find it so hard to talk with DH about any of it because he sees it as an attack. My DH isn’t on any antidepressants at the moment, but he has been in the past for very long periods and probably should be now. Sleep disorders really link with mood.

Does he get outside much? I find it’s all much better in summer when DH can spend time outside, it improves mood and improves sleep which in turn improves mood further.